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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
i think i'm done. do you know what it's like to wake up everyday and to be called things that are only gonna get censored so i guess i shouldn't type 'em. do be told you're worthless everyday by the people who are supposed to care the most about you. and to held prisoner by financial insecurity and guilt? well i don't think i can do it anymore. this isn't the first time i've felt hopeless and trapped, thought about putting the gun back to my head, but this may ewll be the last time. the pills don't help anymore, the writing doesn't help, reading and acting, and poker and surfing... none of it cuts it anymore. those no outlet left. i'm down to felt this time. for the first time in a very very long time, i'm thinking about not ever getting back up. i seriously can't take another day of being told i'll amount to nothing. i can't take another day of being told how to live. apparetly neither can they. cause i think i'm finally getting kicked to the curb for real this time. no money, no job, no home, no friends, no loved ones, no more classes... just bills and debts and faded photos and filled notebooks and a car with half a tank of gas...jesus that won't even get me to orange county. funny thing is i been waitin my whole life to get on my own. i been tryin to get out since i was 12... and oh i had plans i had plans...but i'm not gonna beg to stay. people say just conform til you can get out... what kind of ideals are those? i'd rather die on my own terms then die slow in my own prison. i've never felt more lost than i do at this very moment. i've never felt that chill until right now. i got that soul asylum song "runaway train" burning through my head and i haven't hear that song since i was 14. i hear leonard cohen softly struming "if it be your will" and it makes me wanna sit, smoke, withre away. and i hear "santa fe", the last time i felt like this, that song gave me a star to shoot for. not this time. sorry to type all this. i never liked turning to people. that's why i think this post is so... un-me. but i just can't keep this stuck inside. not now. that's it. stick a fork in me. i can't do this anymore. "santa fe. are ya there? do you swear you won't forget me? if i found you would you let me come and stay? i ain't getting any younger and before my dyin day i want space, not just air let em laugh in my face i don't care. save a place. i'll be there. so you ain't got any family. ain't you glad you ain't that way. ain't ya glad you got a dream called santa fe..." "What if the day comes and you're face down waiting? And what if in that final fleeting second of life, you start to believe in God? What are you gonna have to give him? What will you say in your defense?" it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"do you know what it's like to wake up everyday and to be called things that are only gonna get censored so i guess i shouldn't type 'em. do be told you're worthless everyday by the people who are supposed to care the most about you. and to held prisoner by financial insecurity and guilt?" Um, actually? YES. If ya just need an ear, please write me. But please remember too how quickly fortunes can change--I'm worried about you over here. |
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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
there was a poem i read of yours today in dark that made me think of that last quote. "What if the day comes and you're face down waiting? And what if in that final fleeting second of life, you start to believe in God? What are you gonna have to give him? What will you say in your defense?" i can't remember the name and i didn't put it on a reply... but i read it. and i liked it. and now i'm feeling a little transparent and scared as hell. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Wow! This is the BEST news you could get! NOW you're in control of your own fate. Sure it's going to be rough - you may have to sleep in a homeless shelter or go on welfare, but NOW you control the person you're going to be...I think this is fantastic. How many of us wish we had the freedom to mold our own destiny like this. So are you going to get a job and show the people that dumped on you just how GREAT you really are? I would love to see their faces when, in a couple of years, you go back and tell them that leaving them behind was the best thing you could have done. That you struggled and grew as a human being..that you learned about sacrifice and compassion and the importance of encouraging others even when you felt like you were at your lowest point in life. What an opportunity! And since you're a writer, you should keep a journal - "Struggling to Be Free by MidnightSon"...it would make a great movie. I wish you the best of luck..keep writing..and if you don't have a permanent connection to the internet, there's the library with free connection.  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hmm..musing here. I don't like talking about my personal life much on here - the past that is, or even the present. But here's a little of it that might give you hope for yourself, your life, your inner-self that feels trapped and uncertain - facing a world that seems so much bigger, and awful, than yourself. I grew up hearing my father tell me daily that I would amount to nothing. Calling me all kinds of names I can't repeat here. Abusing my sick mother and myself...till I felt worthless and the only thing I could do was write, write, write and escape out into the fields and trees that I was lucky enough to be surrounded by. At 16 I had had enough though, and I left home. I went from a country village of 400 people to a city of one million+ people. Stranded in the middle of it - in a house with some distant family friend where I slept on a mattress and wondered what the hell I was doing, where I was going and if life was worth living. The family friend left a bunch of teens - the youngest 14, alone for weeks on end. We didn't know how to feed ourselves properly, we did nothing all day but watch tv, fight and run riot through the city streets at night. I remember bawling my eyes out on my 17th birthday - because no one cared to remember it. I wanted to die, I wanted to escape and just stop being. And there have been other moments in life where I wanted to do the same. Somehow I just kept going, surviving. I still survive today, 9 years later - haven't quite reached the point where I can say I'm ~living~ You know what though? I'm currently in my fourth year of university, doing an honours degree...I have a few amazing friends who are the lifeline of my life. And I've found a love I never thought I would (though that has it's own attendant difficulties). It took years to get to this point, years. But I have. The fact is - if I could do it, so can you. It IS possible to face change and face it on your own. You can do it. YOU are bigger than your damned fear, if you tell yourself that. Don't give up, don't. Take one moment to sit somewhere in sunshine and exist only in that moment - and keep existing in the moment for awhile, one day at a time. It's a good mantra - one day at a time, one that I survived on for a long time and still do when I need to. Email me if you want - there's a lot I left unsaid here that I'd be willing to share. Tight hugs, I know you need them K [This message has been edited by Severn (09-01-2002 07:29 PM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
And if you turn you to be HALF the person Kamla is you'll be fine. She is an example of what I was talking about. SHE raised herself and did a fantastic job of it!  |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
let me tell you about Ethan Halo. "Ethan" means constant." "halo" is the mark of the good and wise. Two virtues he strived to attain. The name literally translates to "constant protection". "A constant guardian to those in need of a protector. A concrete good in a world of change." ================================== Let ME tell you about Ethan Halo... A young man I met about 2 years ago...who wrote with such honesty and heart that his words touched me in places deep...whose understanding and acceptance of my poetry and me, made my mothy heart smile... A connection and bond made from poetry and replies that distance and age difference never mattered. A poet whose words often reflected my childhood... Ethan...so many times you have impressed me and you have come and gone in here as you needed to but always carried a piece of my heart...It was always your strength and sincerety to rise above this and be true to yourself that impressed me the most... I know youve had a hard road..youre an old soul...you've been thru more already in your teens than many ever will in a lifetime. I know youre tired...and I know sometimes we start to believe them, but baby..Ive seen the side of you they cant for their own burdens... I dont have any answers..and I feel so helpless from here...cause I want so much more for you... Ethan...dont let them win..dont let them drag you down...you are better..and you want more for yourself... Please reach out and ask for help...there is no shame in that...not ever... I know it may not mean much in the scheme of the big picture..but I care about you..and others here do too...and I KNOW you matter to people there in your life... Please..let us know how you are... love ya E jm [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (09-01-2002 10:32 PM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
You know how to reach me, too. This midnitesun will keep the nitelight shining, in hopes that you will always remember there are people who care, who will not put you down, but who will try every way possible to lift your spirit upwards. Ethan Halo, you can and must stay constant true to the name. And remember, we share the constant sheltering light of midnight. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
this is fantastic writing, written clearly straight out from your inner being down to your keyboard i will look forward to reading more of your work, though i hope in the future to read some pieces which display hope .... you'll pull yourself outa this place.... writing like this will help... please don't stop.... it's good stuff... really good stuff |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
just read the replies after i posted the above response MidnightSon- you are Ethan Halo? did i understand correctly? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ethan...I've seen enough in my lifetime to say that you have "hit bottom" and that's good, because now the only way out is UP. When you start voicing concern over your previous "values" and see that they are not what is "up", then it is the right thing to start taking on those things that always "seemed to work for other people" and trust me, they do. You're in my prayers.  |
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