If I were President, my friends,
I'lltell you what I'd do.
I'd look hard at this land of ours
And make a change or two.
I'd make the congress tell me where
My hard-earned money went
That I should get at 65
If I were President.

If I were leader of this land
Car salesmen couldn't lie.
You'ld get to see the honest price
And then decide to buy.
Fine print would be in simple words
That folks could understand
And contracts would be handshakes if
I were to rule this land.

If I could be the man on top
The juries would all go.
We'd simply use truth serum to
Learn all we need to know.
"No contest" pleas would be outlawed...
You're guilty or you're not
And lawyers wouldn't rob you blind
If I were in top spot.

If I were Mister Number One
Insurances would pay
Amounts that they agreed to when
You signed your life away.
Mechanics wouldn't charge you for
The work they hadn't done
And guarantees would be upheld
If I were Number One.

If I were sitting in that chair
All crooks would be interred
And have to pay the victims for
The damages incurred.
Congressmen would have to live by
Laws that they passed there
And pay for their own limousines
If I were in that chair.

If I were top dog in the pound
There wouldn't be parole
And prisoners who broke the rules
Would wind up in the "hole".
Doctors who screwed up their patients
Wouldn't be around
But would be held responsible
If this dog ruled the pound.

If I were President...Vienna
Sausages would rule
And golf would be the only subject
Taught in any school.
All birds would have to chirp in rhyme
And papers only print
The news that makes one feel good
If I were President.