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Heard any good jokes lately?
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Heard any good jokes lately? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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I'm depressed again.  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
so what's the punchline?  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nodding. I've been wondering that m'self. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Oh! I just thought of one..  Sorry..can't tell ya that one here.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*chuckle* and yanno? I didn't even see that one, um, coming!  Thanks Nance. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Me too... but I can offer a hug...  Love ya, lady... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Just today I decided to clean my e-mail of all of the jokes [and some were NEW to me!] off my e-mail...dang it! You see...I never know what's new... and what is being recycled until I've seen it about 30 times...LOL.... I'm really surprised anymore when I get someone saying, "GEE...Thank you! I've passed it on...." and I KNOW it's at least four years old! |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Depressed, eh? Watch some Springer then. Seeing those 'guests' never fails to cheer me up, as well as improving my own opinion of my situation. I always think, 'Well, at least that ain't me, nor my neighbors!' Small thought, but still comforting.  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK: Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
The Jerry Springer thing doesn't work for me, bro. Once upon a time it did, but I realized one day that they all seemed way too familiar.  I was going to write Dr. Phil for a family intervention once, but then I realized my husband would only want his autograph. And then, we'd have to do ALL the talk shows.  (His latest obsession is getting me on wheel of fortune.) and oh m'deer, m'deer...that DID make me laugh. All I could think about was me, WITH A PIZZA BOY? tsk...methinks I'd more than likely be late to get home, and I'd prolly still have to walk!  thank you I yam smiling now. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
See, this is why I don't watch Springer very often, just so it doesn't become blaise. So every blue moon or three, I'll go channel surfing and come upon Springer, shake my head, and count my blessings, and move on. And Dr. Phil?! Geeze...I don't know the term for it, but I think he gets his kicks from attempting to be a catalyst in the lives of strangers and failing. What's really cracked me up is when he's lectured people on their weight.  |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Well - I DON'T watch Springer because I am afraid that I will see some relatives on there  As far as Dr. Phil goes, well I like watching him, and I have purchased several of his books all of which I have found atleast 2 things that apply to me or my family and have even at times used some of his techniques - however, with that being said, he doesn't beleive in spanking yer kids, and I do - so me going on HIS show would never work because right off the bat he and I would bump heads. As far as cheering you up Karen - well... I too have been in a funk lately and I really cain't help ya there, but I will say - If ever your situation looks really bad and depressing - just remember: Someone out there has it worse than you, and atleast 10 others have been where you are and have made it (without the help of daytime television hehe) I always find it best to sulk around the house a few days and get everyone asking what's wrong with me - and then atleast I feel a little better knowing that they actually 'know' when something is wrong with me. Hope ya feel better soon m'lady Tima |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
hey purty, download..uh..i mean buy the team america soundtrack. if those lyrics don't get you laughing we'll have to declare you clinically republican..i mean dead..dead..sorry i kid, republicans, i kid |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Raph? "i kid, republicans, i kid" thank you lovie! damn I needed that! |
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Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
Here's a few for you: HOUSEKEEPING TIPS: 1. It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. If it walks OUT of the refrigerator, let it go! 3. The best cleaning tool for an after-meal cleanup is the dog. 4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 5. NEVER cook fried chicken in the nude. 6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with any dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 7. You make the beds, vacuum the floor, do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. 8. If guys were supposed to hang clothes up, doorknobs would be bigger. 9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 11. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. 12. I'm not vacuuming until Sears makes one you can ride on. 13. I am a marvellous housekeeper; every time I leave a man, I keep his house. 14. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm blushing. there are actually rules I adhere to in there.... 1&2? Is that like the INDOOR fridge, or the one OUTSIDE? 3-4 nod...the dog is cleaner than the hubby in that regard, so hell yeah, open the door and let 'em in... number five? wince just not done.. and number six? "6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with any dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner." Okay. cool. But? Um...how do I tell the difference between the larger than average dust mite and my hubby, trying to get lucky? (oooh...somebody say "low blow") laughing the woman is desperate, yes? and? "7. You make the beds, vacuum the floor, do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again." and you don't? 8. tsk. Guys who worry about doorknob comparisons? *wince* generally pick up their clothes (they try harder?) Number 9 is totally do-able.  and ten...ooh geez how much would you say the average refrigerator weighs...and damn that is a disturbing thought...shudder, shake, clean my seals? and ironing? that's like when you toss a wrinkled shirt in the dryer with a wet towel, right? *grin* and 12? nodding vigorous, not only does Sears make a vaccuum you can ride on, but it goes to "eleven" and um, be cautious in gentle areas, Lin, it does leave "hickeys" and 13 is a rookie thang, but 14? depends...if there is ouji present or no... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Some I had seen... some I hadn't, but Cappy? You're a  !Oh, serenity? Don't you have something to answer?  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
okay okay okay Sunshine but ya know what? It would prolly be easier if you send it again. I can't find it. heh?  |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
Hope this makes you laugh!!! 7 reasons not to mess with children. 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". 2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." 6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Those are pretty good, Cloud 9! Here's one I really like. Highlight the text beneath the question for the answer. Q: What's green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you? A: A pool table. |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
A: |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Ok Bri, tell me that lil' HTML trick ya just did. K? and ironing? that's like when you toss a wrinkled shirt in the dryer with a wet towel, right? *grin* OMG, I don't even own an iron . . . I don't buy clothes that need to BE ironed . . . |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I don't iron either! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
housework??? littlewing - just make the font color the same as the background... the text will still "be there", but you won't see it until you select it and the background of the select changes to where you can "see" the text. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
like this: somewhat . . . gee thanks Christopher, that was a cool trick! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
pert near much - you do have to pay attention to what background color it's GOING to be when you do it though, since the colors alternate for ease of reading. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I have forgotten what the code on dark blue is -I should know this stuff, you know? Too lazy to reach over to the bookshelf here and look it up, sheesh. I tried a couple diff colors, too. |
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