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Open Poetry #19
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| Open Poetry #19 |
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My Sights |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Hello all.This is my first write that I tried not to rhyme.I would like very honest criticism here, you'll not hurt my feelings in any way.Please be honest, I'm trying to grow in new directions.Thanks. I close my eyes and lift myself out To see what is beyond my body A luminous sky with so many clouds A golden moon guiding with light The featherweight clouds seem to drift by And the pizazz of the stars take me high Green, rolling luscious hills, farther than I can see The air is so easy to breathe, like a beautiful dream The waves against the shore sing an enchanted melody As I hear the wind whisper words of a lullaby The golden embers of the sand The immense tranquility in this world I float as smooth as a bird Seeing these wonderful things The land is so peaceful, yet so full of life Peaches |
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| © Copyright 2002 peaches73533 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Daemonyin Junior Member
since 2001-11-24
Posts 31 |
"The air is so easy to breathe, like a beautiful dream" Much like the poem itself... I wonder what you were thinking of when you wrote this... It's so beautiful and calm.... almost puts me to sleep... I mean that in a good way. Sorry I have nothing constructive to say. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Peaches, From one novice free verse poet to another...you did it! Who cares about how good it is or isn't? You had the courage to try it. So...the plan is you keeping doing it occasionally and it keeps getting better. By the way, I don't have a clue about the quality of free verse. I just like that you did it and I enjoyed it!  |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Daemonyin:Your words were very constructive.My thoughts were what I don't see when I'm in my body. LarryC:Thank you so much.You've made me smile.  Peaches |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (smiles) YAY!!! Ooohhhhhh...this is soooooo beautiful, sweet friend, I LOVE IT!!! I think all of your lovely poems are wonderful, this shines with the beauty of Mother Nature! (kiss on cheek) We all love you so uch, sweet friend, this is a true gem! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Peaches, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Noah:Thanks so much Thought I would try something different. It was something to play around with You are a great friend. Peaches |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Good Morning... As one who writes in free verse almost exclusively...I can tell you there are no right or wrongs... images are important as well as concise presntations. I also tend towrads the minimalistic most of the time so for me this was a long poem. If you want to grow in free verse look for words and phrases that are not needed to convey the central idea or image, cut them from your words, and sprinkle in your own vision of comparison... For a first write in free verse...I think this stand on its own quite well. Will be interesting to see if you pursue and how your words eveolve if you do.. Good work! |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
CpatHair:Thank you so much for your constructive criticism.I'm not sure if I can live up to the standards of free verse, but will definetly keep trying.Thanks for your honesty. peaches |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
I like it ms...it is a series of places that are enjoyed. |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
DarkStranger:Thank you so much.I don't think the flow is as smooth as it could've been, but it'll get there in time. Peaches |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Very nice peaches, All I know is that I loved reading it, and it carried me through, the flow was nice, the words were beautiful. Keep writing in this style, I love both styles myself. floria Floria |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I enjoyed reading this... and wish I could visit such a place. *S* |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
*sigh* I could see it and I could feel it therefore you have created the vision for me perfectly...did I say I love it..well...I love it...**big hugs** Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
ahhhh yes... this just makes me want to lay by the beach and watch the sun come up If you ask me, i feel there are not and shouldnt be any rules to free verse. beautiful, peaches, just like you God alone is alone. Man is not. |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Floria:Thanks so much for the support.I will keep try8ing. suthern:thanks so much, wish I could take you there.At least in spirit anyways. Startime:Thanks so much.Glad you enjoyed it.I think I will try again. EagleScorpion:Thank you so much for the support and thanks for the compliment.I'm learning new things every time I write. Peaches |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Though I do write free verse from time to time, in fact...I sort of stuck with it for a while....BUT...I don't consider myself an expert on it.... 1. Did you catch the reader's eye right away...YEP 2. Did you write it where it was easy to see the picture you painted, with lots of visuals, appropriate adjectives...YEP.. 3. Did they like it...YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP.. I think you did JUST FINE...I like it! And try not to let it get too long...people tend to lose interest unless it is a poem that really keeps their attention...I think you did superbly with the length...Overall...YOU DONE GOOD!! |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Magnus:Thank you for your support. You have always been a great friend. Thank you for helping me out, I'll remember a few of those guidelines. Peaches |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Magnus:Thank you for your support. You have always been a great friend. Thank you for helping me out, I'll remember a few of those guidelines. Peaches |
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