Rambling Rhyme of Curing - pipTalk Forums

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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2002-03-03 02:44 PM

I'm sitting here on the edge of an hour's last breath
attaining notions of dreams on moods gone bereft
and in the haze of thoughts that toy with renew
I am a listening ear in dark's dimmed view.

But days speak not the language of my desired rest
and no translation could aid me in my futile quest
to save my dying spirit from time's greedy hand
and dance along the trail of inpspiration's land.

Shadows seek to quell an otherwise brazen spirit
their seduction tests so hard, not even strength seems to hear it.
Lightened wonders have wandered boldy, now deceased
With the death of their wanderlust, unrippled now is creased.

Someone threw a stone of impatience in my peaceful pond,
Of that culprit's tricks and deeds, my life cannot be fond.
Someone's hardened feet trampled my flowered path
stirring up a bucket of sadness's distasteful wrath.

I am breathing the same breath as an hour's last
but knowing I'll keep going when its minutes pass
keeps me me strong enough to fuel another day
with busy, busy, busy, trying to beat decay.

Ummm...okay folks..I know it gets rough at the end..but I got tired and wanted to wrap it up**

Its amazing..my first attempt at rhyme in a very long time.

But now its over, and the free verse princess must flee the rhyming ball now.

For all who watch.Dare you say hello? Come in and ask the questions that are on your mind, but spare me your judgement until you truly sipped of me.

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

1 posted 2002-03-03 02:51 PM

Dark, for sure, but well written. I enjoyed seeing your rhyme. Maybe you ought to try it more often.

Nice, Jenn!

Michael

Michael Auguste~
There is more depth to the heart than the mind can comprehend and it only has boundaries when we choose to fence it in.

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

2 posted 2002-03-03 02:51 PM

hey, for a freeverse princess you do well masquerading as a rhymist. Symbolic, no? The poem ends with impatience, as somebody threw a stone of impatience upon you

God alone is alone. Man is not.

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

3 posted 2002-03-03 05:17 PM

this is well done, yes, it's a little rough at the end, but like Eagle mentioned, it's a great device. . .

good job. . .

-------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

4 posted 2002-03-03 07:44 PM

WOW!!! Oh my gosh, I agree with Sven and EagleScorpion, I believe this stone of confusion makes the reader seem as though now your thoughts are being interrupted and the ripples are cursing the clear waters, boggling your mind with indecision and how you feel! (kiss on cheek) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jennifer, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

5 posted 2002-03-04 12:52 PM

I am breathing the same breath as an hour's last
but knowing I'll keep going when its minutes pass
==================================

now thats deep....and very cool....
in fact you have many layered, very cool phrases in this...and the cadence made it a pleasure to read aloud ...you acheived a quickening pace that matched the poems intention of "impatient rambling in rhyme"
All the verses are strong and contain wonderful vocab.... I have to agree with your mention of the end. I'd love to see you redo the parts youre not happy with so that your closing couplets do the rest of the impressive poem justice.
So good to see you expressing in rhyme.

So it seems your saving grace was only saving face,
you thought he was wanting you...
but he was only wanting you to let him off the hook.

~BNL~

ShadowRider
Senior Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 1038
USA

6 posted 2002-03-05 08:09 PM

ignoring the rhyme, the free-form Lady has still managed
to interlock fresh, thoughtful imagery
with superb command of poetic thought.

You have such a skill,
and such a way of heart-seeing.
tSR/jkf

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

7 posted 2002-03-05 09:16 PM

Jenn, enjoyed the read very very much tonight. Love the way you ramble!
~Hugs, Nancy~

~Time has cast a spell on you,
So that you won't ever forget me.~

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

8 posted 2002-03-05 09:36 PM

I liked the end...you can feel the impatience you speak of. I too am a free verse junkie and I just wrote a rhyming poem....somethin must be in the air, LOL. Incredible images and great diction...I enjoyed every line of this. Exellent work!

*Krista Knutson*

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." -Gandhi

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