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Song-Tree
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Song-Tree |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Song-Tree Tall tree's leaves sing Stirred by wind's wing; And water near Tinkles with tear. Fowls open voice Reared to rejoice. And poets, so, Frame in the flow. Kind's kindled strain Waxes to main Of wildest wood To angelhood. Song swims and rows In all that grows, From roots to rise From swards to skies. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
First off, I really enjoyed the 4 syllable counts in each line, with 2 trochaic beats per line, which gave the entire work a sing-song feel. I also liked the deep naturistic theme. Some things I noticed, which I might be far off on, was the muted religious span from Pagan to Christian (Of wildest wood/To angelhood) and the cycle of life (From roots to rise/From swards to skies). Since in a definitive sense, most deceased are placed below the ground, where the roots grow, which has also been known as sod, tract, and plot. But I've been known to be very wrong before.  Nevertheless, very interesting style. Alicat |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Alicat, I'm glad you liked this, and the style here. I wished to catch some sense of spirit and nature being one--like a singer and a tree at the same time; if that makes sense. In the spirit and nature thereof, may "Of wildest wood/To angelhood" From roots to rise/From swards to skies" be acknowledged as of and to at the same time. In nature finding spirit, in spirit finding nature, in both finding balance, grace, song; height and depth. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. take care, Essorant |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hey Ess, You're going for something musical here, and I agree that the meter arrangement is very effective and really pleasing---I have a few points of criticism from a formal point of view. First off, your beginning isn't fluid enough. The first few lines usually set the meter to put the entire poem into perspective, and it's not usually a good idea to have them trod along in a compromised double-stress like "tall trees." My advice, noting the importance that the trees are in fact tall (I was going to suggest just saying "the trees," but that's lazy), is to give yourself a more soft opening until the meter is established, and then once it's set for the poem, allow yourself to make subtle alterations such as that one. Add a couple of lines to the start. I got the impression you were going for an iambic dimeter here... (bimeter? duometer? that's how seldom I use it, I don't even know what it's called). It does have an unfortunately frantic impact on the imagery---it sort of bounces from one concept to the next unless it's sort of slowed down. This is why I don't discourage the metrical variations at all. I think they're needed to keep the flow of the poem in check, so it doesn't end up in fast-forward. I love how you wrote the closing line: quote: Making the reader sound out the uncommon word, which starts with a double consonant sound, allows them to slow down just enough to breathe in the full impact of that last line. Oh, and no period after "Rejoice." I realize you're moving on to a new subject matter, and want to use the "and." Maybe put in a semicolon? I've got to respect your ability to manipulate form to the advantage of your poem. Kudos--- Oh! I almost forgot about the content. Well, I'll give that a go too--- quote: Are you talking about The Aeolian Harp here? Very nice (though subtle) reference, although again, not a good point to start on---it might be distracting for people who catch it. I wonder if there are intended double-meanings in words like "tear" and "fowl?" It all depends how brilliantly you crafted it, eh? If so, I wonder what impact you were going for with that? Subtle notes of discomfort and uneasiness in the midst of all the lovely rabble? Nice work either way---I appreciate the note on the implicit truth of song in the designed universe. Brian |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
"Song swims and rows In all that grows, From roots to rise From swards to skies." Amen... it takes artists... musicians, poets, the spiritual to see these things. Most people don't.. very nice. Oh, make me Thine forever |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It's like a watercolor....simple strokes, gently blending colors....and together they become something exquisite. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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