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Something Naughty
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Something Naughty |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand 
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Something Naughty The grass was wet. You whispered against my cheek “Let’s do something naughty.” The wind put its hands through my hair. You whispered against my cheek. The stars looked like icing sugar and the wind put its hands through my hair. The ducks were asleep in the flax. The stars looked like icing sugar and the moon was a sliver reflected in the lake. The ducks were asleep in the flax. You wanted to wake them. The moon was a sliver reflected in the lake. The toi-toi and bullrush snored softly. You wanted to wake them, but we couldn’t. The toi-toi and bullrush snored softly. “Let’s do something naughty.” But we couldn’t, the grass was wet. my attempt at a pantoum... umm.. ahem.. Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^ |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lynne Miura, née Chudley - All Rights Reserved | |||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Beautiful. I love the sly humor in this, and the naturalistic eye. |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
what da squirrel said... come back soon lynne, I do enjoy reading you lady.  |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
yeah what they said  If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Grins.. witty |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Hehe.. thanks ^_^ Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^ |
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jamesjiao Member
since 2000-04-12
Posts 268Backwaters of Avalon |
Masterpiece, Lynne, Masterpiece. Show me more! - James |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Not a bad pantoum. I know LP and the other fixed form guys (*wink*) will likely have some problems with your lack of feet, but I did find this poem entertaining and somewhat nostalgic --- no not that way. I mean it kinda reminded me of another such poem a friend of mind wrote and recited not too long ago. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Thanks Fracta.. Hey, so how is a pantoum usually written then? Because this is my first one.. I wrote it for my creative writing class, but was really only given a very basic outline of the form.. Is there something I could do to write a better one next time?? Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^ |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Very good pantoum, coupled with wickedly sly humor, which I liked muchly. For more on pantoums, check this link ( /pip/Forum22/HTML/000025.html ) or so a Smart Search on pantoum, limited to the Poetry Workshop. Lots of material in there for those who look. Alicat |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Who, dude, you're in a creative writing class too?? Cool. Well, I believe pantoum is written in iambic pentameter, that's what I was referring to. But then, I didn't spend too much time learning about it, concentrating more on being safe and staying with the good ole tried and tested sonnet. But no, apart for the form thing, I liked this poem. It was cool. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Thanks for the info on pantoums.. Oh yeeeeah, of COURSE they are.. hehe Lucky I didn't remember that before writing this one, or I would have sat and stared at my paper and probably bitten my nails to the quicks.. I have not yet succeded in writing a successful poem in rhyme..Woah, the word rhyme is SCARY! Almost as scary as the word SONNET, lol.. Yip - I took a creative writing class at a community college this year.. Just for one year though - I wanted a year to write before I go to University - where I wont have nearly enough time to do so, I am sure.. Silly question to ask if you are enjoying your class??  Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^ Love - Lynne [This message has been edited by Yu Lan (12-18-2003 04:24 AM).] |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
This is such a delightful read, thank you for sharing Andrew |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Thanks for bringing this one back up, Andrew.. Glad you like it!! Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^ |
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