Sonnet for Patricia Charbonneau

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Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2003-08-11 01:44 AM

I see an artist in the frown---and eyes
  That lazily up-wander the high tree
  Of merchantile abundance, but to flee
For purer knowledge than the clotted skies
That so deny her---for she nothing cries
  But wonders at the clutch of gravity
  Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see
Away from her once doubly-blinding guise;
That she so braces tight her knees, and seeks
  Repentance for her monetary days
    Instills sincerer tears that yet beguile
A landscape of description on her cheeks
  Which strikes mine own---I, in submissive ways,
    Respond her winter with an errant smile.

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-11-2003 12:02 PM).]

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

1 posted 2003-08-11 01:28 PM

Brian,
this is the most endearing, in-depth and heartfelt display of the soul of one extremely special lady. Through your words, you have unleashed a gentle spirit residing within the both of you and I want you to know that this masterpiece is only but a small glimpse of the man and woman who lead each other, hand in hand, through the "clotted skies" . . .

I am breathless and this is beauty, to me it is . . .

You will go far in this life, of this I am sure
*smile*
xxoo

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

2 posted 2003-08-11 03:24 PM

LP,

You must be a poet, because you make credit card debt beautiful.

Astounded.

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

3 posted 2003-08-11 03:40 PM

I am having a (erm) darn hard time thinking of how to express my feelings towards this, Brian. I can only now say that I enjoyed these lines:

Instills sincerer tears that yet beguile
A landscape of description on her cheeks
Which strikes mine own---I, in submissive ways,
Respond her winter with an errant smile.

and tell you that you are awesome, which you already know, and that I am adding this to my library..

Until later, dear...

"As a group, no one would call poets a particularly bubbly, chipper group."
James Pennebaker (psych prof.)

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-08-11 04:06 PM

Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see
Away from her once doubly-blinding guise;
That she so braces tight her knees, and seeks
  Repentance for her monetary days

~*~

Now it is I smiling at Your critique message...seems you're not really asking for one, either.  Got to love them that just want to know how it strikes, hey?

And these lines struck me well.  You painted her so well with these few lines, that I could see her out there in the sun...

You are one of the few, Brian, that make me wish I had a better grasp of everything.  If only to be able to say thank you in a better way.

Mom

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

5 posted 2003-08-11 09:45 PM

I love very well done meter and rhyme that don't sound like something that came off of a cookie cutter press.  To quote, "This does not dissapoint."  On the contrary, it has a very light and lilting quality that I think this form deserves.

I really enjoyed how you used formatting to create the 'mind-ambiance' that perfectly fits the words, and sets a cool, clear mood.

Your pauses "---" are perfectly placed.  I love to use them myself.  I think I enjoy great meter and rhyme because I'm not very good with it myself at all, and I have to say that your punctuation was used very well indeed to create the right cadence and meter.  I had no trouble reading, no stumbles.

Very well done, as I have come to expect from you.  Much enjoyed!

Nicole

Rainee
Junior Member

since 2003-04-19

Posts 10

6 posted 2003-08-18 01:09 AM

Very interesting poem LP, it's quiet a challenge to try and imagine characters who tend to be the center of some of your poems. You highlight the small details about them that you find different. intriguing and neat in a way. Personally I don't find this your best poem, but nevertheless, it's still quiet well written.
fallen in love with the lines:

But wonders at the clutch of gravity
Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see.

It was probably one of the strongest in the whole poem, if you really think about it. "Upon the wingless"

you always menadge to remind me... YOU sir are a poet.....
Bravo!

Keep writing LP, I won't forget to look

~Rainee

gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

7 posted 2003-08-18 06:56 PM

This is so classy, i could take it home to meet my mother, or the queen.

I can see the depth of soul and use of minds eye in this and it is beautiful to read indeed.

I hope to read more of you Brian. but for now, I'll make my fist addition of you to my library.

Instant karma's gonna get you.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

8 posted 2003-08-21 11:52 PM

I liked the imagery and metaphor used in this poem. Once again, you've demonstrated yourself highly capable with a classic form.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

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