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Face Against A Window
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Face Against A Window |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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Not yet old enough to face the darkness alone she wanders through it everynight shadows no longer startle her, no, it is the sky as empty as a forgotten love that disrupts her calm stare capturing her cucumber cool and dancing dangerously through a raspberry rain. Whatever it was, she lost it through the tunnel from the hole in her pocket to the incision in her heart it slipped away like soap or perhaps in the form of lime jello jigglers the ones forgotten in the fridge untouched and simply forgotten Too bland to make an impact she introduces herself five times to the same people who melt like m&ms only they leave a mess in your palm. She presses her nose against a window maybe if she leaves an indent they will remember who she was when she simply fades away into the land of the Care Bears and Strawbery Shortcake she sifts through childrens' cartoons in an attempt to find meaning in life. Someone needs to grab her hand pull her out of the mud but no one's willing to stick out there neck to save a girl from the mangos, not even an umbrella can keep out the sugar coated rain in this world, there are too many holes to cover up and not enough peanut butter plaster. Deep in the down under they hide beneath kangaroos and kalamazoo seems too far for her to walk to, but she needs to escape Loneliness eats her slowly sipping on bodily fluids and eating internal organs packed neatly in a lunch box. The only thing she left behind was a breath mark on the window and an imprint of her face in the mud she's the one no one wants to see and they won't notice she's gone until the smudges fade away. (still, not much better, but it's a work in progress) [This message has been edited by Allysa (07-31-2003 02:16 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Not yet old enough to face the darkness alone she wanders through it everynight shadows no longer startle her, no, it is the sky as empty as a forgotten love that disrupts her calm stare capturing her cucumber cool and dancing dangerously through a raspberry rain. Whatever it was, she lost it through the tunnel from the hole in her pocket to the incision in her heart ============================= Too bland to make an impact she introduces herself five times to the same people who melt like m&ms only they leave a mess in your palm. ============================== The only thing she left behind was a breath mark on the window and an imprint of her face in the mud she's the one no one wants to see and they won't notice she's gone until the smudges fade away. =============================== Youve used some very cool, original themes and metaphors in this..as well as unique imagery and personification. Since you indicate this is still in progress and youre not yet satisfied...may I suggest you try and tighten it up...stay with one main theme and conflict, too many metaphors will distract from what you want the poem to convey...You might even have 2 separate poems here...one with the girl and window metaphors and images...(I really like the melancholy edge you created about her) and another with the food and fantasy themes. You have some very cool lines in this...keep working with it. Well done poetess Allysa  "How could I stand here with you and not be moved by you." |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Um, thanks. I appreciate the advice, and I thought about rewriting it, but I just can't. I like it the way it is, so I think that's how it'll stay. But thanks much for reading and everything. "As a group, no one would call poets a particularly bubbly, chipper group." |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I think your imagery is a bit inconsistent. You wrote a poem about loneliness and negative emotions but the images you chose were bright and colourful, not to mention flavourful... I know you have this affinity for candy imagery but I don't know if it's quite appropriate in this poem in particular. Sometimes it seems a little gaudy. I do, however, like the ending. The poem overall could use some more work to tighten itself up, as JM said, but I disagree with her that the amount of metaphor is the problem. I think the nature of the metaphor is what makes them seem like an eyesore. Until your next, Brian Faith is a fine invention |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I liked the imagery...For one, it sets the poem apart from any other 'dark' piece by bringing in something unexpected. And more importantly, it gives that extra dimension...I think without it, no one would realize how absolutely torn the narrator is. I mean, come on. "Peanut butter plaster." Is that perfect or what? Oh yeah, Kalamazoo, Michigan? I might end up going to school there...  "How inimitably graceful children are in general before they learn to dance!" |
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