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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2003-06-12 05:00 PM

Reflex of reality seeps through my clothing
Grasping onto the cold dead fingers
That lay to rot on the crimson floor
Run hot liquid on the burning wound
Make it heal, make it be your soul
Kiss it with the ice that has descended upon you
Gifted from the darkness of the clouds above
Waiting for the wondering eye to seek it out
Destroy it for all it’s ever worth
Present still bringing pain into my world
Of silent hunger lacking me with each small piece
That cloth lays on the thirst driven floor

just a spur of the moment thing....a release of all the pressure....

*the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time*

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2003-06-18 01:36 PM

Hmm, not bad, Ri, but I think you're lacking a theme here... you seem to have written a lot of dark images and taken them in no particular direction. Sometimes that's a problem with your writing--you have the imagination and the writing talent to conjure some vivid, incredibly striking images, but they often lack direction or purpose.

I don't want you to take my advice as an insult, but I think it would really help you to try and keep in mind the subject matter of your poem, the meaning, while you're writing it... give your poetry more direction and I promise, you'll be happy that you did... it's one thing I had to learn myself a couple of years ago.

Much love to my favourite girl...

Bri

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2003-06-19 11:12 AM

yes..the images are strong..dark and strong.. while there is continuity in scene painted, I am left with a question..

what did you want to teach me from this or what did you want to tell me?

I understand the images... but tell me why is it important? NOW... don't take me wrong, I'm not saying the piece isn't important or what you have to say isn't important..what I am trying to say is that as a writer you have to help the reader see and know what it is they are to conclude from the piece.

I'm basically saying the same thing as Bri...
the direction..or leading the reader into a conclusion of thought...

Again... nice use of imagery and you convey the mood with the images...now tell me what to do with that in my own mind..how do I relate it to my life or gain an understanding of yours from it?

Disclaimer: If this sounds harsh..it isn't mean to..if it sounds preachy..it wasn't intended to... if it sounds like I am a know it all... my apologies for I am not nor do I want to sound like one...

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

3 posted 2003-06-19 07:59 PM

well it definitely sounds like a cry...
and those above me have some good advice for you *s
M

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