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Gifts of the Emporium (a duet with Cpat Hair)
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Gifts of the Emporium (a duet with Cpat Hair) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Intoward an outward sting of showers falling from the eyes of another weeping there peeking from the clouds needle droplets flagellate cleansing nails in pound of palm there is a point beyond despair where mercy medicates the bleed. Still scars in escape ache with weight pulled insight bearing hard edged rough to callous even tender's plead and tossed into callow hands virgin splits asunder such plodding prods of this the street Startled as she sees herself in the plate glass of a store she walks and traces finger path upon the foggy glass peering through the line of grace trying to see within... Gifts of the Emporium treasures just beyond her reach. She left her handprints on the pane as proof that she once wanted more and walked, now wary of the brick-- she changed her gait to suit the avenue that wends it way with uneven stone among the alleys narrow sleep where behind the lace eyed windows some do lie while others peep, cautious of the ones below who peer in hopes of skin in sight that they might say they too saw her the city revealed. [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (05-19-2003 10:54 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL..only some Cajun would think of Emporium for us hillbillies it was the general store |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Just for the record, Cap? Cajuns don't even think "general store". They just go "up front." And if dey make groceries, it's just because da Pig hadda sale....   |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
'Startled as she sees herself in the plate glass of a store she walks and traces finger path upon the foggy glass peering through the line of trace trying to see within... Gifts of the Emporium treasures just beyond her reach. She left her handprints on the pane as proof that she once wanted more and walked, now wary of the brick-- she changed her gait to suit the avenue' Nice write you two! 'Emporium'...yep, that's our Sen. See ya'll down at the Piggly-Wiggly! |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Great duet!! (tis easy when both partners are excellent) And who in the blazes (no pun intended) named that chain Piggly Wiggly? I've always wondered about that. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL... the partners here just let Ser write... how can one not look good when you write with someone as good as Ser? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
ya'll know better'n that. (the man hadda whip over me, the entire time! Lausy! It was terrible!)  Thank you cap. Yer a gentleman AND one helluva poet.  |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I'm curious who did the last stanza. I like how the meter picks up and skips along in that one, really flows nicely into the climax. I loved the imagery, someone standing in the rain and looking into a window at, well, gifts of the Emporium... then nope, walks away, changes her gait to match the avenue (I LOVED that part), for she only once wanted more, but not anymore... It's almost sad, really... but I still like the message of this one. I found it was almost optimistic in the ending. Great work, you two...  Parasite Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Im guessing Ron did the last verse? The imagery in this is sooooo cool you two... but then how could it not be with such master poets taking up pens. But it tis the emotions and the way they are visualized that is the real star of this duet. there is a point beyond despair where mercy medicates the bleed. Still scars in escape ache with weight pulled insight bearing hard edged rough to callous even tender's plead --- She left her handprints on the pane as proof that she once wanted more and walked, now wary of the brick-- she changed her gait to suit the avenue --- cautious of the ones below who peer in hopes of skin in sight that they might say they too saw her the city revealed. duet to us again soon, pretty please I refuse to accept that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism & war that the daybreak of peace can never be reality. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Weird... I guessed Serenity did the last stanza, because Ron has said he doesn't do rhyme or meter... and the meter was so distinct in the last stanza. But hey, we'll let them tell us. If they want. [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (05-20-2003 01:51 PM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LMAO.... LP.... I wrote the last stanza. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
maybe KA is starting to rub off on him shes like that ya know.. she grows on ya  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL..JM... in writing a duet I believe it is important to blend the styles and adopt the voice of the one you are writing with or create another unique one. Meter and rhyme are not foreign to me...but you are correct in the fact I was attempting to follow Ser's style and so the fact you say she may have rubbed off on me perhaps shows I was somewhat successful in my attempt. I think Ser the stronger style in our attempt, and by far the better poet. She wrote the most of this with me providing the transitions and the ending... let her write and she's bound to write something worthwhile, all I had to do was run along behind and try to keep up. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hah... I know the feeling, Ron... I've done it before myself. Yes, she is really something. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LP.. i have trouble imagining you trying to keep up with anyone... LOL... I could see Ser challenging you in subject matter perhaps but not in form or style...I'd venture a guess the two of you are equally strong in that respect. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Bravo....great duet. I can't believe the speed of the writing...lol. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
geeez...blush, but laughing too. Ya'll really need to know that the cap made some subtle edits as we wrote--painlessly too! (I don't MIND being edited when it's right! )And? LP, the optimistic ending gave it away. I'd have had her jumping off the ferry or something. And? yanno? Both of you guys are just so easy to write with--I'd love to see you two duet. Oh. Well. Ya'll know what I mean. er..Doncha? |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Serenity? Seems like he's a bit of a player when it comes to Duets. He's even got a thread open offering himself up to just anybody. Sheesh... there's a word for people like that, ya know... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"there's a word for people like that..." smile. Yes. So I have heard. And? Thank you for the yummy compliments--I imagine I'll be reading soon. My head is still noisy these days, and I think I'm just writing out of habit. But hugs to all. You people are wonderful. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Seems like he's a bit of a player when it comes to Duets. He's even got a thread open offering himself up to just anybody. Sheesh... there's a word for people like that, ya know LOL... and that word would be? Insinuating that I lack the proper decorum and integrity are you LP... Afraid I'll give writing a bad name? Or... just jealous you didn't think of it first? LMAO.... |
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sea_of_okc Senior Member
since 1999-06-15
Posts 568Oklahoma City, OK, USA |
Very nice duet you two! Wonderful imagery. And Cpat I think they are suggesting you are a poetic man-ho. I saw the thread you started and am working on a couple stanzas to send your way but be gentle with me I've never partnered another man before... LOL |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL.. now I'm always gentle...the first time.. LMAO. look forward to seeing what you come up with to work on.... Now..as for them calling me a manho.. I think my feeling are hurt... :< Nah not really.. LOL... I was bored yesterday and bored of late with my own writing and ideas... just thought it would be fun to play off of others thoughts for a bit and to try and match styles with numerous people in a relatively short time period and force myself to stretch a bit... LP is just worried I'll try to write too much rhymed meter and butcher the form he so loves....and I can't say I blame him for being worried..rhyme is not my strong point... |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
See? not a man-ho at all. He's just one o' them birds that lays eggs in other birds' nests. hehe |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL... so I am a parasitic creature that would benefit from using others??? Ed... now I am hurt... Geez.... and here I thought I was just being social... this keeps up and I'll have to look for my own shack down by the river somewhere and hide for a while until people forget how terrible I am.. LMAO |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
oH GOOd gRACIOUS SAKEs aLIVE.... me got to get out of open more and into sanctuary.... darrrrrnnnnnnnn |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I read this last week and didn't respond because I just didn't have the words. Two of my favorites come together and made something beautiful, soulful and touching. Thank you for that. Susan C. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ron and Karen Wonderful, wonderful! |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
The best of the best, at their best....it don't get no better'n that! |
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