Gifts of the Emporium (a duet with Cpat Hair)

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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

0 posted 2003-05-19 04:47 PM

Intoward an outward sting
of showers falling from the eyes
of another weeping there
peeking from the clouds
needle droplets flagellate
cleansing nails in pound of palm
there is a point beyond despair
where mercy medicates the bleed.

Still scars in escape ache
with weight pulled insight
bearing hard edged rough to callous
even tender's plead
and tossed into callow hands
virgin splits asunder
such plodding prods of this
the street

Startled as she sees herself
in the plate glass of a store
she walks and traces finger path
upon the foggy glass
peering through the line of grace
trying to see within...
Gifts of the Emporium
treasures just beyond her reach.
She left her handprints on the pane
as proof that she once wanted more
and walked, now wary of the brick--
she changed her gait
to suit the avenue

that wends it way with uneven stone
among the alleys narrow sleep
where behind the lace eyed windows
some do lie
while others peep,
cautious of the ones below
who peer in hopes of skin in sight
that they might say they too
saw her
the city
revealed.

[This message has been edited by serenity blaze (05-19-2003 10:54 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-05-19 04:49 PM

LOL..only some Cajun would think of Emporium

for us hillbillies it was the general store

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

2 posted 2003-05-19 05:52 PM

Just for the record, Cap? Cajuns don't even think "general store".

They just go "up front." And if dey make groceries, it's just because da Pig hadda sale....

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

3 posted 2003-05-19 06:43 PM

'Startled as she sees herself
in the plate glass of a store
she walks and traces finger path
upon the foggy glass
peering through the line of trace
trying to see within...
Gifts of the Emporium
treasures just beyond her reach.
She left her handprints on the pane
as proof that she once wanted more
and walked, now wary of the brick--
she changed her gait
to suit the avenue'

Nice write you two! 'Emporium'...yep, that's our Sen. See ya'll down at the Piggly-Wiggly!

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

4 posted 2003-05-19 06:53 PM

Great duet!! (tis easy when both partners are excellent)

And who in the blazes (no pun intended) named that chain Piggly Wiggly? I've always wondered about that.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

5 posted 2003-05-19 07:08 PM

LOL... the partners here just let Ser write... how can one not look good when you write with someone as good as Ser?

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2003-05-19 09:58 PM

ya'll know better'n that.

(the man hadda whip over me, the entire time! Lausy! It was terrible!)

Thank you cap.

Yer a gentleman AND one helluva poet.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2003-05-20 11:31 AM

I'm curious who did the last stanza. I like how the meter picks up and skips along in that one, really flows nicely into the climax. I loved the imagery, someone standing in the rain and looking into a window at, well, gifts of the Emporium... then nope, walks away, changes her gait to match the avenue (I LOVED that part), for she only once wanted more, but not anymore...

It's almost sad, really... but I still like the message of this one. I found it was almost optimistic in the ending. Great work, you two...

Parasite

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

8 posted 2003-05-20 11:43 AM

Im guessing Ron did the last verse?
The imagery in this is sooooo cool you two...
but then how could it not be with such master poets taking up pens.
But it tis the emotions and the way they are visualized that is the real star of this duet.

there is a point beyond despair
where mercy medicates the bleed.

Still scars in escape ache
with weight pulled insight
bearing hard edged rough to callous
even tender's plead

---

She left her handprints on the pane
as proof that she once wanted more
and walked, now wary of the brick--
she changed her gait
to suit the avenue
---

cautious of the ones below
who peer in hopes of skin in sight
that they might say they too
saw her
the city
revealed.

duet to us again soon, pretty please

I refuse to accept that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism & war that the daybreak of peace can never be reality.
MLK

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

9 posted 2003-05-20 01:50 PM

Weird... I guessed Serenity did the last stanza, because Ron has said he doesn't do rhyme or meter... and the meter was so distinct in the last stanza.

But hey, we'll let them tell us. If they want.

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (05-20-2003 01:51 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

10 posted 2003-05-20 02:11 PM

LMAO.... LP.... I wrote the last stanza.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

11 posted 2003-05-20 02:16 PM

maybe KA is starting to rub off on him

shes like that ya know.. she grows on ya

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

12 posted 2003-05-20 02:26 PM

LOL..JM... in writing a duet I believe it is important to blend the styles and adopt the voice of the one you are writing with or create another unique one. Meter and rhyme are not foreign to me...but you are correct in the fact I was attempting to follow Ser's style and so the fact you say she may have rubbed off on me perhaps shows I was somewhat successful in my attempt.

I think Ser the stronger style in our attempt, and by far the better poet. She wrote the most of this with me providing the transitions and the ending... let her write and she's bound to write something worthwhile, all I had to do was run along behind and try to keep up.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

13 posted 2003-05-20 02:28 PM

Hah... I know the feeling, Ron... I've done it before myself. Yes, she is really something.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

14 posted 2003-05-20 02:35 PM

LP.. i have trouble imagining you trying to keep up with anyone... LOL... I could see Ser challenging you in subject matter perhaps but not in form or style...I'd venture a guess the two of you are equally strong in that respect.

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

15 posted 2003-05-20 03:57 PM

Bravo....great duet. I can't believe the speed of the writing...lol.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

16 posted 2003-05-20 05:27 PM

geeez...blush, but laughing too. Ya'll really need to know that the cap made some subtle edits as we wrote--painlessly too! (I don't MIND being edited when it's right!

)

And?

LP, the optimistic ending gave it away. I'd have had her jumping off the ferry or something.

And? yanno? Both of you guys are just so easy to write with--I'd love to see you two duet.

Oh.

Well.

Ya'll know what I mean.

er..Doncha?

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

17 posted 2003-05-20 10:09 PM

Serenity?

Seems like he's a bit of a player when it comes to Duets. He's even got a thread open offering himself up to just anybody.

Sheesh... there's a word for people like that, ya know...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

18 posted 2003-05-20 11:37 PM

"there's a word for people like that..."

smile.

Yes. So I have heard.

And?

Thank you for the yummy compliments--I imagine I'll be reading soon. My head is still noisy these days, and I think I'm just writing out of habit. But hugs to all.

You people are wonderful.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

19 posted 2003-05-21 08:14 AM

Seems like he's a bit of a player when it comes to Duets. He's even got a thread open offering himself up to just anybody.

Sheesh... there's a word for people like that, ya know

LOL... and that word would be?

Insinuating that I lack the proper decorum and integrity are you LP...

Afraid I'll give writing a bad name?

Or... just jealous you didn't think of it first?

LMAO....

sea_of_okc
Senior Member

since 1999-06-15

Posts 568
Oklahoma City, OK, USA

20 posted 2003-05-21 09:46 AM

Very nice duet you two! Wonderful imagery.

And Cpat I think they are suggesting you are a poetic man-ho.

I saw the thread you started and am working on a couple stanzas to send your way but be gentle with me I've never partnered another man before... LOL

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

21 posted 2003-05-21 09:54 AM

LOL.. now I'm always gentle...the first time.. LMAO.

look forward to seeing what you come up with to work on....

Now..as for them calling me a manho..
I think my feeling are hurt... :<

Nah not really.. LOL... I was bored yesterday and bored of late with my own writing and ideas... just thought it would be fun to play off of others thoughts for a bit and to try and match styles with numerous people in a relatively short time period and force myself to stretch a bit...

LP is just worried I'll try to write too much rhymed meter and butcher the form he so loves....and I can't say I blame him for being worried..rhyme is not my strong point...

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

22 posted 2003-05-21 11:23 AM

See? not a man-ho at all. He's just one o' them birds that lays eggs in other birds' nests.

hehe

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

23 posted 2003-05-21 11:26 AM

LOL... so I am a parasitic creature that would benefit from using others???

Ed... now I am hurt...

Geez.... and here I thought I was just being social...

this keeps up and I'll have to look for my own shack down by the river somewhere and hide for a while until people forget how terrible I am..

LMAO

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

24 posted 2003-05-23 03:10 PM

oH GOOd gRACIOUS SAKEs aLIVE....

me got to get out of open more
and into sanctuary....

darrrrrnnnnnnnn

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

25 posted 2003-05-28 03:24 PM

I read this last week and didn't respond because I just didn't have the words.

Two of my favorites come together and made something beautiful, soulful and touching. Thank you for that.

Susan C.

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

26 posted 2003-05-28 08:52 PM

Ron and Karen

Wonderful, wonderful!

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

27 posted 2006-10-01 10:59 AM

The best of the best, at their best....it don't get no better'n that!

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