when she lost all her blood

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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2003-05-01 03:51 PM

the only strokes felt lined the linen on her dress
an old metal helmet with the dust blown off
rested atop the worn out hill
beaten down by the child’s footsteps
blood shed on the valor breath
of the little girl with the auburn hair
whose father is marching
with a gun by his side
she stands on the hill top
that she had walked upon
as a child that she was when her daddy left
and on the night he died

now she kneels beside his grave
kissing the ground with a single tear
hoping her father up in heaven
understands what she is waiting for
her head upturned as it starts to rain
and she feels in her heart
it is her father crying for her
because he misses her
on the day that he died

every time she visits that hill
it leads her down
by her throat and arm
to the stone that tells of the past, her past
and she cries every time
and turns her head up
as it starts to rain

Windows stained with the fog, words written in by a girl.

[This message has been edited by Riley (05-01-2003 03:52 PM).]

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

1 posted 2003-05-01 04:31 PM

Wow, this is such great writing, I only wish I was could write that well

Andrew

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2003-05-01 07:13 PM

Hey Zu,
That is not true, you can write so awesome. But thanks a lot for replying to this. It is supposed to be about a soldier dying and his daughter crying about it, but i dunno. thanks a ton

riley

Windows stained with the fog, words written in by a girl.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2003-05-01 09:07 PM

Wow! This is a powerful poem that brought tears to my eyes. That's hard to do to me, so you should give yourself a pat on the back!

This is another library piece for me. Keep writing like this and please do consider putting it into the book!

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2003-05-03 02:49 PM

quote:
every time she visits that hill
it leads her down
by her throat and arm

That's the part that made me like this poem. For the most part, Riley, I think you shunned a little of your usually imaginative style. It's a very touching story, yes, but the phrasing of some of the lines isn't as creative as you usually are.

I still like this poem, Riley, but I've learned to have a high standard for your work... I'm just making a suggestion, of course, but I'd prefer to see you work your imagination into your writing more than you've done here.

Great to read from you again, babe. Hope all is well.

Parasite

God becomes as
we are that we
may be as he
is
~William Blake

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

5 posted 2003-05-03 07:16 PM

Hey LP,
Stupid school project,

. You know those always stunt the imagination ( i still can't spell )

.....ok well ttyl

luv ya

riley

Windows stained with the fog, words written in by a girl.

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