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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI 
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Thanks to LP for the semi-inspirations of "lemonade" and "another bath"(though I couln't help changing it).  my greek-maiden lover unclothed in the tub pretending to sip from a chocolate-hot mug is reading by peppermint jane eyre and motherhood barren like me when i once was a girl her lemonade lipstick transformed me to lie it frosted like dreamers on blueshifting nights calling us longingly desperately lovingly fingers and necks flying none as before i am alone and was always alone she is beside me, within me, alive some days i fight her some i incite her pour me another one, hot as before |
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| © Copyright 2003 Carly Anne Van Dort - All Rights Reserved | |||
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
carly anne, carly anne. your work always gives such lovely tingles, did you know? we already know each other's interpretation of this piece, but this deserves a reply. yesh, it does. i'm still in love with the blueshift.. *swoon* and this.. this i loved: "it frosted like dreamers on blueshifting" "she is beside me, within me, alive" there's never anything wrong with just you dear. great write, and hope to see more. “A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Nice poem. I like your intense use of what appear to be symbols. Your meter is excellent, but I have some trouble with the line "pretending to sip from a chocolate-hot mug." It does not seem that reversing the words hot and chocolate will do anything detrimental to the meter here. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Carly!! You've done it! Dactylic meter, and beautifully done too... so beautifully done, in fact, that I had to read this a few times just so I didn't lose myself in the flow. Now I think I've gotten it... it's a poem about vanity and desire, and how it "transforms" you towards the undesirable. You've drawn a picture of a haughty, self-righteous woman soaking in a bath and pretending she's royalty, "pretending to sip" and "reading by peppermint" - all in the name of image and luxury that isn't true, but seems true. You know your poetry doesn't just blow me away... it knocks me down and kicks me in the ribs a few times, and then I run away.  Brian It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Hidy Hidy! Hmm... I like this style. What is it? It's really interesting. This is an interesting piece overall. I'm glad Brian came in and explained it for dumb people like me, even though I was thinking along the same lines before I read his reply. Great symbolism!  Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
wow. simply wow. i envy your skill and grace. you simply amaze me. what more can i say? i'm still rather speechless from reading this. i'll need to read it a few more times. but until then, wow. /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] |
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