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fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

0 posted 2002-12-28 12:24 PM

NOTE:

This poem is about the events in my own created world, not on Earth.

The empty woods are filled with trees
the paths around them are all he sees.
Michael the prophet, the father of man
Sees beyond what no one can.
This wood is filled with life We lost
We threw them away forgetting the cost.

We train him here in celestial ways
to see beyond his limited days.
We taught his mother the ancient art;
her spirit was curious with a valliant heart.
Michael is the ancient warning
teaching the people their future mourning.

the children will weep and their mothers will sleep
their faces all lost in unbridled pain
the cities are aflame and the people ablaze,
the way his son will spend his days.
He'll hate the world and clean each plain
leaving behind the desolate to weep.

We can only hope salvation won't come....

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (12-28-2002 12:24 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-12-29 02:12 AM

Heya Frac, welcome to Sanctuary.

You're going to roll your eyes at me - but I love the meter.  It's not perfect but you used it perfectly, the flow of this piece is dead-on and none of the deviations from your meter form were too noticable.  I very much like how you organized this.

I also like the fantasy-ish content of this... makes me curious about the world you created.  Maybe I'll bother to go read one of those stories you posted in Prose so long ago.  Maybe when I have a couple hours... hehe...

I think you could improve this a bit by making it a bit less literal.  It could use more metaphor, more symbolism to make it a bit more poetic, or to make some of the images seem a bit more real.  Because it's a fantasy piece you've used a lot of images that people won't know first-hand... metaphors are a nice way to link the content to concepts the reading audience can expect to understand and connect with personally.  It doesn't have to be that mundane, but I do think you could be a bit more descriptive than just using carefully selected adjectives.

JMHO.  Great writing and it's great to see you in here.

Parasite

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2002-12-29 04:08 AM

LP:

Thanks for the reply.  I will try to keep your response in mind.  I'm just getting into fantasy literature now.  I'm reading Kay's "The Fionavar Tapestry," and I'm really enjoying the genre.  I'm also slowly getting thru "The Lord of the Rings."

As far as my long stories, I think the fourth installment would be best to read as far as anything that's similar to the content in this piece is concerned.  However, the second installment has some rather harsh vision/semiconscious alien abduction type stuff in it.

Oh, and thanks for the welcome.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (12-29-2002 04:09 AM).]

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