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Feathers
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Feathers |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg 
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Feathers Who told, the last of verse I'd spill Would not be written in thy praise My tear-ducts ne'er were quite so fill'd With thick amaze Tis such a silly thing of me To wander far from comfort's peats And rather, be thy deity In silver sheets The hour, copulence defeats - It was upon that very day My universe of silver sheets Was blurr'd away From here, my stance above these cliffs I see the very path we trod But I, who live in paints and glyphs Am but a sod That e'er I could expect so much Thy steps surpass my very gaze Condemn'd, am I, to lose thy clutch In thick amaze A sparrow landed on my arm I fed her bread, and tales of love And she presum'd to swoon what charm I'd spoken of Alas, she merely was my crowd And still, her eyes did fade with glee Each time I sang those songs aloud I'd wrote for thee She clang to me, her balladeer And urg'd me forth, my tongue to sing T'was curious, she long'd to hear Those shameful things She knew not that I sang for thee And still, I recollect that day Felt all the ache you'd toss'd to me Was blurr'd away For she, my bird of randomness Suspended me upon my spot And clutch'd me with a gentle kiss As thou could'st not My veins did tickle, through and through The nature of her purity That love so false could be so true It ravish'd me With all my charms upon her eyes We, into greater lovings, grew And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies My sparrow flew Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen My poet's harp did desecrate Her beauty, coal to crystalline, A brighter state I lov'd her true, much truer than My ballads wrote of thee could say But sooner than my truth began She flew away. How she could scry my guiltful love Is clear to me in narrow light Perhaps she spied me from above In gifted flight And now, I long to have her near For I lov'd her, and she lov'd me Alas, she seeks a balladeer Of honesty Her path to me is still at hand Each feather dropt, an amber haze That vanishes, when blurr'd by land Its thick amaze Perhaps my longings are absurd To ride those wings, to scrape the sky The sparrow is a common bird I know not why. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
OH yeah...Ill be back  |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Who told, the last of verse I'd spill Would not be written in thy praise My tear-ducts ne'er were quite so fill'd With thick amaze Tis such a silly thing of me To wander far from comfort's peats And rather, be thy deity In silver sheets The hour, copulence defeats - It was upon that very day My universe of silver sheets Was blurr'd away From here, my stance above these cliffs I see the very path we trod But I, who live in paints and glyphs Am but a sod ======================================= With all my charms upon her eyes We, into greater lovings, grew And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies My sparrow flew Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen My poet's harp did desecrate Her beauty, coal to crystalline, A brighter state =============================== Her path to me is still at hand Each feather dropt, an amber haze That vanishes, when blurr'd by land Its thick amaze Perhaps my longings are absurd To ride those wings, to scrape the sky The sparrow is a common bird I know not why. =============================== Im having you for lunch!! errr..the poem for lunch .. LOL....ok..forgive the mothy jokes..but your rhymes make me GIDDY... Ahh yes...so much to see here. where shall a moth begin her worship.... lets talk about that rhyme scheme-- does that form have a technical name? (besides impressive?) *S* I love the cadence..the short metered last line of each verse made it...very cool how you maintained that so well on a poem of this length. Now lets talk about the language style...you make it look easy... your vocab and phrasing skills using the old world terms are growing and becoming more natural for your muse. Which I knew would happen back when you said you wanted to learn to write this way and make it your own. To wander far from comfort's peats And rather, be thy deity In silver sheets The hour, copulence defeats - It was upon that very day And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies My sparrow flew Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen My poet's harp did desecrate Her beauty, coal to crystalline, A brighter state How she could scry my guiltful love Is clear to me in narrow light ~~ Those are just some of the really poetically pretty phrases...which leads me to the assonance and internal rhymes and even some alliterations...all of which add to the pleasure of this ones cadence....now lets talk about the imagery, the sybolism and personification which is paramount in pulling off a poem done in this vocab and language style. And of course you wrote that like second skin as well..."symbol" is thy middle name Then you've got the drama, and conflict to create the edge of bittersweet melancholy that these type of poems do so much justice to... and you carried it all out to poetic perfection thru...I MEAN through lolthrough the entire of this oh so impressive piece...love the angsty classic romantic tradgic ending. and? ya made me mothy tongue do a happy dance reading this aloud. What more can a mothgirl ask for on a lunch break? As always...you rock and it rolls me  just one line ... one rhyme ... one metered verse ... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
LP This is just so well done! I usually don't appreciate the use of old fashioned poetic language, unless from an oldy, but this was rich, and not the least bit stilted. I would like to be able to write with the talent that you show. |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
I like everything about this. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
One of the best heartbreak-to-wisdom-comes-sadness poems I've ever read here (or anywhere). Unbelievably good. How come you're not published yet? |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
JM - You know you're too kind, right? My ego is already overblown as it is. Thanks though, you always make me grin.  Martie - I've seen your writing, you write with a talent that I envy myself... wanna trade? Wells - I greatly respect your opinion and it is very valuable to me, and your approval makes me feel quite satisfied with the quality of my work. Thanks. Mikey - I am published!! Poetry.com has plublished me.  I did try for the heartbreak to wisdom thing, glad you picked up on it. Don't worry about me, heh, there's plenty of sparrows in the sea.It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world. |
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