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Gray rain
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Gray rain |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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Breathing with the rainy waves, apart in a cloud. Refreshed without comfort. Thunder was too loud. “Eat your crust and crumbs,” she'd said. Rain-softened and stale. "Everything’s the surface." Water hit the pail. She'd said beauty lies -- never will lie deep. He'd said he would think on that as he fell asleep. Color drained the sky. Corner feigned a why. He awoke and she slept on. Nothing to reply. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
well mikey... you have done it again. nice images and a dialog that plays into them... all juxtaposed on a inverted reality that makes the reader appreciate just how little they see of the world around them... enjoyed my friend. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you, Ron.  This is actually a much older poem, that is so awful, that is all I will say about it. This is much more measured and calm, and still a bit melancholy. And maybe a bit humorous?Mikey |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
not awful at all... it is in fact rather interesting in its melancholy feel and in the images you use. It is much more "traditonal" in the use of word and phrase than you do now, but not in any way awful... sometimes the older ones are good for us to revisit... lets us see what we have forgotten about writing... some we should forget, other parts of it we should view and see as a way to improve what we do today. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Oops, my mistake. I meant to say, this is based on an older poem that is so awful, etc. Yay, the weekend is upon us! Mikey |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
weekend smeekend.... ( bah humbug... ) have to be on call and monitor progress of problem servers we have and a project I am working on... so it will be on and offline for me most of the weekend if I don't end up back in the office. Hope yours is good though! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Mike Some really good lines in this "She'd said beauty lies -- never will lie deep." and "He awoke and she slept on. Nothing to reply." When I first read this, I read it without the period and that made it even more interesting. Enjoyed! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This is really interesting. Again with the watery imagery, Mike... you sure have a thing for that, don't you? I found myself in love with the almost-dialogue that you make in this poem between the he and the she. Made me think of a couple laying in bed at night before going to sleep, and just talking about nothing in particular in the meantime. Especially how it was all he'd said, she'd said.... rather than he said, she said. Made it seem more reflective. At the end, he awoke... not he'd awoke. Divides the ending away from the rest. I just love the ending, it's so appropriate... some kind of vague interaction between people is shown, amongst all the images of rain. And the poem ends when one of them runs out of something to say. Real neat. You saved it from awful.  Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks, everyone. |
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