Limited Beyond You - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-11-29 06:08 PM

cold fingers
grip
slide across my neck
chilling me
shiver
they call me to follow them
but i beg to differ
resistance
if only dorothy and her black and white
could change all the color
so nothingness could take over
the prime time of life
and slow down
fast paced highways
with eternal crashes
way to many
the oceans could grab us
if they wanted, if
but they won't
why
because we are stuck in the egomaniac rut
our roots planted in the trough
on the edge of the world
to wise
way to naive if you want technical
lashing out the hatered
pulling in the fish you deserve
hoping it's the perfect size to eat
what if
the age old question
the moon fell
would we have all the cheese we wanted
that is if the moon man hasn't ate it all
but then the cows would be usless
throwing us into maddness
of course it's silly
because we know its not true
but what if

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

[This message has been edited by Riley (11-29-2002 06:08 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2003-01-12 02:42 PM

This got a little too silly towards the end. I think you kind of lost your theme of the abuse of nature. I do like how you illustrate the exploitation of the planet by the hand of mankind, and also, our reliance on the planet... pulling in the fish, drawing from the trough on the edge of the world, and if the moon fell - well, no tragedy... we'd have all the cheese we wanted.

This is pretty deep, even if the tone is uncertain towards the end. I like it.

Parasite

"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2003-01-21 10:22 PM

i think you dribbled on too much at the end [take it from brian]. and the grammar needs a bit more attention.

with all due respect, i believe this poem would read a lot better if you tossed in some punctuation. anywhere.

thanks for sharing.

/jen/

'Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason.'
-- Mikhail Bakunin

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.