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In Beautiful, Desolate L.A.
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In Beautiful, Desolate L.A. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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wet ended kiss castbackward shadows early morning mist washed out gray streets cars waiting, chasing rainy green lights her birthstone was strawberry she wore sunlight here in morning like a shoot outgrown its soil did she move? she didn't move she found a way to write poems to the sea she loved those afternoons did she move? she didn't move did she lose? she didn't win she wrote under that palm tree it's dead, should be cut down imagine holding its dried brown fronds skirting away on the hot wind oh, she loved cypress stands long, in green rows like giants' teeth she imagined she was a bird hopping above their gums a single harm in the darkness handset cord looped, shining words rejecting dreams would she wash out, a stain? stand gleaming in the rain? it doesn't rain much here god, the way she wore solace loneliness is not a pain, a chain, a chance to recover your will god, the way she wore sorrow mercy is not a name, a flame, a prayer's chance in hell the way she wore her need, like evening; like bleeding i'll walk on the wet pressed sand right near the tide, its overlapping ribbons (she is made of water now, sunlight made of foam) and california roam [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (11-08-2002 03:13 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
her birthstone was strawberry she wore sunlight here in morning like a shoot outgrown its soil did she move? she didn't move she found a way to write poems to the sea she loved those afternoons ======================== would she wash out, a stain? stand gleaming in the rain? it doesn't rain much here god, the way she wore solace loneliness is not a pain, a chain, a chance to recover your will god, the way she wore sorrow mercy is not a name, a flame, a prayer's chance in hell the way she wore her need, like evening; like bleeding i'll walk on the wet pressed sand right near the tide, its overlapping ribbons (she is made of water now, sunlight made of foam) and california roam ================================ and I say..god the way you write.... damn i love this poem.... god, the way she wore solace loneliness is not a pain, a chain, a chance to recover your will god, the way she wore sorrow mercy is not a name, a flame, a prayer's chance in hell the way she wore her need, like evening; like bleeding those verses are so emotively awesome... *shaking my head at you in admire* and these lines..... i'll walk on the wet pressed sand right near the tide, its overlapping ribbons sunlight made of foam) thats it!! EXACTLY..I saw it...I walked in them..the sand, the "ribbons" and "sunlit foam" and it was sooooooooo amazing...and you just wrote it and let us see it and feel it with less than 20 words. you rock..and it rolls me...... Would you understand my mothy intent, if I said you write like the Beatles and Dylan...light years ahead of their time? thank you for the view of blue  No one has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now ... and I never saw blue like that before. ~Tom Kimmel~ [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (11-08-2002 06:13 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok, now the question... did you write this for Janet Marie or did you write it for Martie? |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
OK! you got to stop this kinda thing RIGHT NOW! This is just Too Damned Good No kidding Mikey, I've read you for months now and your writing (if not yourself) has moved to a better place. Ed [This message has been edited by wranx (11-10-2002 01:13 AM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
me thinks he wrote it for him first, & those who needed to see the hues of blue from his enlightened view.   No one has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now ... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Glad you all enjoyed. This is actually a revision of two older poems. I combined them into one and removed some redundancies, strengthened the story. M. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yes, you did! :clapping; |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is so awesome, so deep, so beautiful. I love this so much!!! Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you both. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
The title really grabbed me by the ears. I've wanted to read this for a while but was always too lazy to go right ahead and open the link. Glad I did now. I admit I didn't know what to expect by this poem, but reading it didn't disappoint me in the least. I love your description of the city, as an introduction to the story... you made the city contrast so well with the story's central character. The ending is definitely breathtaking... you depart from the dreary city image into a walk-on-the-beach kinda thing, which seems conclusive as it matches the character a lot better. "She is made of water now." I just love that... very beautifully expressed. As if to say, she is no longer pinned down by this dreary city. She is where she belongs. I just love this poem... you're a talented writer and we could all learn a lot from your work, Mike. I'm going to keep this in my private library. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. ~Aldous Huxley [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (11-18-2002 01:43 PM).] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I always forget to click the library button. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you, Parasite. Your reply is touching. I'm honored that you read of this poem so deeply. Thank you. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
test |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
even the title is beautiful. i read it awhile back, and then came back for a reread. it's simply amazing. and you never heard this from me, but i almost feel intimidated by these words. there is nothing i could possibly say that would do this piece justice. my favourite of your work, as of yet. /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Jen - check out "Acoustic Guitar." I still think it's his best. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Mikey The images so filled and fresh, you catch a mood that is tender, almost tragic, then turn it into magic. Loved this one! and what you did with the original, you did good improve here. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
will do. /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you all! |
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