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Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

0 posted 2001-08-11 05:00 AM

Yeah this is another one for my poetic writing portfolio, I'm trying to submit a range of poetry, ie some sad, some cheerful, loving, humerous, cheeky.. blahblahblah.. yeah, so, what do you think??

Grumble

I think I need a breath mint,
I’ve swallowed mouldy play-dough.
I wasn’t even hungry, but,
they kicked me ’til I ate.

I am old and tired now
gave up sucking yesterday.
With play-dough lunch lonely inside
I’m locked away in shame.

My replacement’s young and cute,
already kissed the carpet.
I’m jealous because I can’t suck,
can’t even bite his dust!

I'm not sure about the last lines, but I can't quite pick what's wrong with them! Anybody help??
Lynne

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-08-17 05:29 PM

The last lines... well, they don't work because it's a cliche. It's that simple.
The rest of it was written well, you are good at selecting the right formatting to suit your tone. This poem was written well in that the last lines were shorter than the rest, it gave it a playful tone. What I drew from this poem was a sulky toddler attitude.

  Very nicely done.
Written well, I did enjoy this.  Add it for the sake of variety.  It's different, but I admit I did like your others that I read more.
Keep on posting, Yu Lan.

Yours,
~Allan

The children of the nobility are playing here. they look up at you with disgust as you come near.

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

2 posted 2001-08-17 07:54 PM

Yes, I had a lot of trouble with the last lines, I had things like "this really blows" blahblah, but it didn't really seem to fit, so i figured RIGHT! That's it, I'll put some lines in, and see what you guys think.. heh, guess I was right.

Thank you Allan..
-Lynne

Nothing in life, if you study it close enough, and long enough, makes sense. But only once you have understood why it doesn’t make sense, can you be s

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-08-21 05:21 PM

Hey this was a nice one here as well Yu! Looking forward to more.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

4 posted 2001-09-10 11:12 PM

Thanks Javi!

I'll have to get busy with the poetry again soon, school assignmentes are too depressing..

[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 09-10-2001).]

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