The Howling of Pavlov's Dog ( a simple lamentation)

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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

0 posted 2002-02-01 07:45 PM

No. There's nothing
left of me
these words are
not a summoning
not a plea
of bargaining
there's nothing left
to be set free...

Pavlov's Dog
reacts to bell--
chains of doctine--
trained for hell.
Choice an option
so unknown,
Diogenes
stands guard the bone.

The captive loves
because he must
no difference
'tween faith and trust.
though it's misplaced
such faith might be...
a prisoner must
create a key.

[This message has been edited by serenity (02-01-2002 07:46 PM).]

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

1 posted 2002-02-01 07:55 PM

I loved it ...only one small comment in the second stanza Diogines stands guard the bone would read better I think, if it said either Diogines stands guard to bone or Diogines stands, guards the bone... just my opinion you don't have to take it on board.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

2 posted 2002-02-01 08:01 PM

Keth, no prob and thanks, will ponder that one, and funny, I was going to ask for help on the last stanza as well...the meter is off a bit--any suggestions there..I refer to

"a prisoner must"

maybe the enslaved finds need
to create key?

Let me know, and I appreciate your input and value your opinion!

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

3 posted 2002-02-02 01:01 AM

serenity,
Okay my two cents worth (and I'll cover the fee): lose the "it's" in the last verse. That is if you're determined to tinker. I like it. Interesting read and a crack up title.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2002-02-02 01:05 AM

ah...I like that, Larry...and I am always determined to tinker, it seems! Thank you!

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2002-02-02 02:14 AM

Serenity, I'm sorry I haven't the time to give one of my standard replies... but I have a suggestion to your meter problem. I solved it while reading it, before you even mentioned it...

If you add an apostrophe, then "a pris'ner must" works metrically...

A pris'ner must
create a key

Alternately, you could reword it using "the."

The captive must
create the key

This even has the bonus of a little alliteration... albeit brief alliteration.

Will be seeing you around.

~Allan

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (02-02-2002 02:16 AM).]

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

6 posted 2002-02-02 09:24 AM

I never understand what you're writing about lately but that's how you keep my interest....over and over again!
Amazing stuff you come up with.....I'll have to do some research just to catch up!

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