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i'm weary of the dark
| Open Poetry #18 |
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i'm weary of the dark |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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my watch a temptress beckoning me to take a glance "thou shall not look" I braced myself to be firm but failed miserably~ five minutes had passed since the last time I peeked the world appeared in shades of blue and black~ I couldn't even seek solace from the elements of the night, as per normal I followed my platoon mates paradoxically~ I was cautious with every step, apprehensive that my boots be drowned; yet I was led blindly, too moody to take mental notes about my whereabouts I risked another peek the watch mercilessly struck only three life was grossly unfair why did i have to endure in the name of national service? alas! the night was premature my platoon walked single-file, in varying states of drowiness, sighing inaudible pangs, steadying their (physical & emotional) loads I wondered what my mates were thinking |
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| © Copyright 2002 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
hmm..the mates were likely wondering the same as you...  interesting write friend kaile....and i love the first two lines best! hugs, g ~dgvarner/fallen rain~ |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
BRAVO!!!!Reality fills these words. I could see you perfectly and saw you glance around wondering what the others were thinking. BRAVO!!!  I love it. **hugs**Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Faterider, An interesting write and I enjoyed the read. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
gale, the funny thing is in my one-and-a-half years of national service, i never did ask anyone what went through their minds during those long nights of walking... startime, hope you didn't feel depressed as i did when those images flashed across your mind.. Seymour Tabin, thanx for the "interesting" |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i'm weary of the dark my watch a temptress daring me to take a glance "Thou shall not look" I braced myself to be firm but was enticed eventually~ five miserable minutes had passed since the last time I looked the world appeared in shades of blue and black~ no stars twinkled to distract my distress I didn't care to remember directions, much as I was obliged to My waning energy was rapidly depleting with the obsession I took to placing my steps, lest my boots be drowned and foot rot befall me two hours had crawled since we set off and my watch mercilessly struck three I idly wondered how Robert Frost had felt walking through the woods all those years ago my resistance finally broke as my anger and discontent rose life was grossly unfair why did other guys get to snore while I trespassed nature's grounds? how much more did I have to endure in the name of national service? my platoon walked single-file, steadying their (physical and emotional loads), in varying states of drowsiness, acutely aware that it would be daybreak before we rested I wondered how they were coping Edited by: justforfun01 at: 1/9/02 9:08:08 pm Sandy Reynolds Established Member Posts: 405 (1/5/02 9:54:44 am) Reply Re: i'm weary of the dark Hey JUST... A good piece of work here...some nice images too..with some heavy thoughts. Yikes! Bivouac? Viet Nam? Persian Gulf? Afghan.....??? We cope the best we can..don't we? I find solace in writing, how 'bout you? Yeah...you do. Just look at these grand words: I idly wondered how Robert Frost had felt walking through the woods all those years ago Anyway..this is great. I really enjoyed reading. I think you might have a couple of typo's....should that be 'trespassed' in verse 4 and 'drowsiness' in 5? Please don't find me too critical....because I am certainly no expert at crits...but have you thought about replacing the words 'national service' and platoon' with others so ambiguity can remain? Don't get me wrong..this is a great piece of work. I enjoy just a tinge of uncertainty though...I want to figure out where you are by your hint-giving words. National Service and Platoon tell me. Infantry, Airborne, Ranger? Post another and keep me wondering. ~~Sandy Edited by: Sandy Reynolds at: 1/5/02 6:11:32 pm hazelnymph Established Member Posts: 359 (1/5/02 10:04:24 am) Reply Re: i'm weary of the dark this one appears saddness but reliefs about the past, presenting many inner mind's struggles and pains. hazel speleocherry Venerable Member Posts: 621 (1/5/02 10:51:03 am) Reply Weary Of The Dark Liked the Frost bit too. I wasn't too enamoured of the lack of punctuation at first, but it does add to the feeling of the endlessness of the night. I'd be tempted to change 'trespassed' for 'patrolled', but I enjoyed the story. justforfun01 Member Posts: 78 (1/5/02 12:36:34 pm) Reply | Edit Re: i'm weary of the dark Sandy, i corrected the typos and please don't hesitate to speak your mind with regards to my work...i'm not at all thin-skinned and i am not here for my ego to be stroked... i did think of changing "national service" but decided to use those words because i thought it would more accurately reflect my experience...but i would think about your suggestion and see if i can tease the reader in other musings sure, i will write another about my NS days and post it soon...thanx for your interest... hazel, thank you for your comment..i must say that those struggles and pains are fond memories now..they make up part of my collective psyche...after all, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"... speleocherry, i'm rather atrocious in terms of punctuation...so the lack of punctuation wasn't deliberate but rather a lapse in my writing skills..if there are any suggestions you can offer me, i will be glad to take them up.. i have trouble with "trespassed" too..glad you voiced that out...will think of a better substitute for my next draft... thanx all pcent2 Moderator Posts: 7801 (1/5/02 1:32:07 pm) Reply Community Supporter Re: i'm weary of the dark I like this, jumping right into the middle of the feeling with that splendid first verse, dumping us out before the story ends. (awake should be aware at the end?) I'm in a scissoring mood today, I see, so I want to chop it right down. If I cut it I'd be left with this: my watch a temptress, daring me, "Thou shall not look" five miserable minutes since the last time I looked the world appeared in shades of blue and black~ no stars twinkled to distract my distress two hours had crawled since we set off and my watch mercilessly struck three I idly wondered how Robert Frost had felt walking through the woods all those years ago my platoon walked single-file, steadying their loads, in varying states of drowsiness, acutely aware that it would be daybreak before we rested I wondered how they were coping KathleenRS New Member Posts: 2 (1/5/02 8:43:42 pm) Reply Re: i'm weary of the dark Some very good images here, "dark' is so hard to write about sometimes. You've given a fresh feel to it! justforfun01 Member Posts: 89 (1/9/02 9:14:57 pm) Reply | Edit Re: i'm weary of the dark pcent2, yup, that should be "aware"... you reckon that i should tighten it?..my ex-teacher once pointed out that my writing tends to be a little too wordy and pretentious...do you feel the same way? anyway, i will try your suggestion in my version..thanks for the time you took to "chop" my poem.. Kathleen, thanks for the compliment...i think writers write in the hope of introducing something new to the rest of the world..and i'm glad that you feel i succeeded with this musing... thanx all.. hazelnymph Established Member Posts: 390 (1/9/02 9:59:43 pm) Reply Re: i'm weary of the dark you're welcome, Yeah, that's quite a smart warning that how memory kills your best part of your life. hazel |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
One night in my vehicle Yours truly could always sleep in the vehicle despite the unfavourable conditions Packed like cowering refugees under the hull of a ship, we had to forego the fan and cringed at the steady rumbling sound our travelling prison was making The brakes were pulled My buddy poked me in the ribs I woke up, glad that I was a shorty (otherwise, I might hit the ceiling) and disgusted that I napped again, despite my self-reproaches not to We got off fast and charged forwards, yelling our cries half-heartedly "Charge!!" while firing blanks blindly Simulated enemies destroyed We mounted up the vehicle I caught up on my beauty sleep again, much to everyone's chagrin The vicious cycle continued until the whims of my commanders were indulged totally Jon369 Regular Member Posts: 130 (1/10/02 11:43:33 am) Reply Re: One night in my vehicle Well! I don't know what to say! I teetered on the brink of ill comprehsnsion for some of the work... yet, the images were very inductive! Is it an "attention based" look at the Buffalo Soldier? Oddly neutral in the face of a moving topic! Enjoyed. Jon |
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