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Chrissy
Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!

0 posted 2002-01-24 01:46 AM


I am not a new poet, but I am new to the idea of letting other people read what I write, please give me some positive and negitive feedback!!


By the grace of God

We shutterd with fear on that horrible day,
As we held out loved ones and began to pray.
We asked God how can this be?
Why would you ever do this to me?
You took my brother, my child, my wife.
How could you go and shatter my life?
You turned the nation upside down,
you made each and every one of us frown.
The ones that are left cry out in pain,
As the Angels bring on the bitter rain.
Now that we are all tired and hurting,
and not one of us can understand or cope.
Just the God spoke to me, in his voice was a feeling of hope.
"My Child" He said "did you not see?
The hurting that you brought upon me?
The violence that you showed each and every day,
as you screamed and shouted, and wanted things your way?
This is the only way i could get you to understand,
Instead of hurting eachother, reach out and grab another hand.
Do not scream and push and shout,
please turn that hate inside out."
That moment I cried and wanted to die,
not one word that I heard was a lie.
We have head that God works in mysterious ways,
and thats exactly what He was doing that day.
So please be stong and help one another,
This ot the time that we need eachother.


© Copyright 2002 Chrissy Ryen - All Rights Reserved
Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

1 posted 2002-01-24 01:56 AM


Welcome to PIP.  It's safe to share here.  Most of us are nice guys and girls.  Good poem.  Very effective sharing of emotion.  Personally, I don't think God did it..man did.  God only gave him the free will.  Just my opinion.  But you're right, none of us will ever be the same.  Again, welcome.
Chrissy
Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!
2 posted 2002-01-24 02:34 AM


thanks so much!  If you read the begining of JOB you will more understand my opinion.  JOB goes through 3 tests that he was given by Satan, and his love for the Lord got him through  everything.  Satan went to God and asked his permission to test JOB's faithfullness, and it was granted.  I think our nation is in hte same situation as JOB was.  Again I thank you for your comments, and invite all others to share their opinions too.  Good and Bad.  
Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

3 posted 2002-01-24 03:09 AM


I've read Job...many times.  Interesting view on what may be occurring these days.  I hope it's not the real scenario.  Though, I find the book very intriqing, I also thought it cruel.  I understood everytime Job cried that he did not understand, he had done nothing to deserve his fate.  It seemed a mad game of chess between good and evil.  Have you read a book called, 'The God Game' by Andrew Greely, I think?  It is similar to what you have proposed here.  
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
4 posted 2002-01-24 06:36 AM



Good thoughts here Chrissy.  One thing I might suggest in order to keep the reader on track is to watch your spelling and grammar, as well as typos.  Another thing you may want to do is to go into your member profile, and click on the Critique section so that folks will automatically know you would like feedback.  That way you can put titles where you've put "Please help I need some feedback."  When the poets around here know you are serious about growth in writing, a lot of them are ready to help!  If you have any questions, you can contact any of the moderators for assistance!  Looking forward to reading more!

His Poet
Senior Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 750

5 posted 2002-01-24 10:22 AM


Chrissy, I think you have done a nice job of expressing a lot of people's confusion over the tragedy of 9-1-1. I think your presentation would have more impact if you did proof read a little more closely but otherwise, this is a heartfelt poem. Cheryl
Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167
state of confusion
6 posted 2002-01-24 12:49 PM


Hi Chrissy,

Sunshine has given you some good advice. To add to this, I would suggest breaking your poem down into 3 or 4 stanzas, it makes it easier to read and will have a more polished appearance.
Here is an example:

We shutterd with fear on that horrible day,
As we held out loved ones and began to pray.
We asked God how can this be?
Why would you ever do this to me?

You took my brother, my child, my wife.
How could you go and shatter my life?
You turned the nation upside down,
you made each and every one of us frown.

Another tip, if you choose to edit this, I'd try to keep questions to a minimum, in this piece they overwhelm the poem. Try to stick to statements with only a sprinkle of questions.

Good luck!

Cor

[This message has been edited by Corinne (01-24-2002 12:50 PM).]

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