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Open Poetry #17
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Crystal Catacombs, Entry #2 - Traveller's Song (revised)
| Open Poetry #17 |
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Crystal Catacombs, Entry #2 - Traveller's Song (revised) |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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(note - read the words "every" and "shuffling" as three-syllable words, or the flow will be all buggered-up  )Crystal Catacombs - Traveller's Song Treading away in the thick orange grass Shuffling softly and slowly along Every step is on fragments of glass Every word to the beat of the song Treading away in the hollow of night Eyes focused forward, and not straying yet Under the moon, and ablaze in her light Under the stars, and enwrapped in their net Treading away from the ignorant bliss Leaving the friends of my past self behind Chanting my lullaby down to a hiss Chanting my song for my impatient mind Treading away down the deep, winding path Chamber of goods clutching tight to my back Swinging my blade, without care, without wrath Swinging my blade in a silent attack Treading away in the thick orange grass Shuffling softly and slowly along Every step is on fragments of glass Every word to the beat of the song [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (12-22-2001 04:51 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 CLAPPING WILDLY!!! Oh my gosh, your talent always amazes me, this piece flows with such wonderful emotion! (sigh) I'm no good critiquer at all, I really truly enjoyed the rhythm of the verse so wonderfully! (big hugggssssss) We all love you so much, dearest Allan, you are a true delight to us all! May you always sing the song of your heart and forever bring hope and joy to your spirit! (smiles) God Bless You, dearest friend, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
Allen, OOooooooo I like this one  This was muchly enjoyed  Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The "song" of this is a bit more refined than in the first, as you catch it up in the repeat of certain words...so yes, I am enjoying... |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Allan, you amaze me. May I "unword" some of this, if it doesn't hurt your ego and you said it won't. Just bear with me and follow along and tell me if this sounds more "metered' if not, well, heck you can shuffle me along!!!!!! Treading away in the thick orange grass Shuffling softly and slowly along Every step is on fragments of glass Every word a beat of the song Treading away in the hollow of night Eyes focused forward, not straying yet Under moon, ablaze in her light Under stars, enwrapped in their net Treading away from ignorant bliss Leaving the friends of my past self behind Chanting my lullaby down to a hiss Chanting my song for my impatient mind Treading away down the deep, winding path Chamber of goods clutching tight to my back Swinging my blade, without care, without wrath Swinging my blade in a silent attack Treading away in the thick orange grass Shuffling softly and slowly along Every step on fragments of glass Every word a beat of the song thanks for letting me put my 2 cents in!!!! Hope you don't mind! Kathleen (Kay) "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (12-22-2001 08:26 PM).] |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Kay, you were reading my meter incorrectly... I wrote it fine to the meter scheme I was going for. It's sort of dactyllic with an incomplete foot at the end. /xx/xx/xx/ /xx/xx/xx/ /xx/xx/xx/ /xx/xx/xx/ That's how the meter scheme is intended... but thanks for your input in any case. |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
Ok, ive read this several times now and everytime i do a different meaning comes to mind. I :love: this allNa. im so glad to be reading your work again. I had missed it muchO much. *drools* you wrote(revised) this wonderfully. I think im gonna go diggin around for your older version to compare and contrast. *is gonna bug you for the link if she cant find it* excellently done hun. let me know when youve posted the next one. love ya much. tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
oops!!!! I forgot my thinking cap!  Kathleen (Kay) |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Seeing as how I have not taken the courses to make me intelligent enough to take this apart and spit it back out...I won't... But...it is an interesting poem...and I am sorry that I have misssed some of the first posts of this.. |
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ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
interesting piece and use of imagery would make good song lyrics, I think. |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
I am truly impressed! I love it, it makes me feel untalented but i love it all the same! The flow is awesome, and there was no problems with it getting buggered up, so don't worry! Peachy be, jen Freedom is not Free (Korean War memorial) |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Allan, enjoyed your writing. I would like to see something new though, instead of rewrites even though they are good... BC |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
The flow does have a lyrical feel to it, and this would be a wonderful traveller's song. I felt you kept to the rhythm nicely, and found myself "tapping" along as I read. Much enjoyed my friend ... always a pleasure to read you Allan. Best wishes, /Kit |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Wow! I remember you saying something about posting here---so I followed my nose on into here! Lol, and I'm glad I came here! The rhyme and rythm really...it was really easy for me---lol, considering it's 3:00am! I really enjoyed this! *snaps fingers* Surrender now, or prepare to fight! |
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Amy Vibbert New Member
since 2001-12-24
Posts 6 |
the poem is fabulous, I'm sitting here drooling all over myself, you are adorable!!!!! amy |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
You already know how much I adore this series. It's simply beautiful and the imagery is outstanding. I always said you had a gift, do something with it. ~AF~ If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Great writing, Allan - The work you pout into this poem is obvious. As for the dangling foot, you'd best watch that or somebody might start pulling it to get at your leg - heh. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Treading away in the thick orange grass Shuffling softly and slowly along Every step is on fragments of glass Every word to the beat of the song Treading away in the hollow of night Eyes focused forward, and not straying yet Under the moon, and ablaze in her light Under the stars, and enwrapped in their net ================================== Well, Im playing catch up here from the holidays and comp crashes so when I saw this I went and found entry one, and then came back to here so I read in order... Im glad I didn't miss this... I will watch for the continuations of the series...So a day late and computer with a short, I can only add to what's already been said...yes the imagery is one of this write's highs...as is the cadence...the meter and the repetitive words and lines created a pace that carries the reader along and created the chant that one of your lines refers to...very cool. I especially liked the repetitive theme and wording of the ending couplets of each verse. Well done poet sir...cool title for a series as well. jm You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Such dedication to form must require many edits. I enjoyed this one, and found myself travelling to the beat. "Chanting my lullaby down to a hiss Chanting my song for my impatient mind" Unusual imagery here, going from a lullaby to a hiss. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
AMAZING....just AMAZING! *~ Wishing everyone a New Year filled with Peace & Love ~* |
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