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Open Poetry #17
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Crystal Catacombs, Entry #1 - Departing (revised)
| Open Poetry #17 |
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Crystal Catacombs, Entry #1 - Departing (revised) |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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(I've been looking over my entire series, the Crystal Catacombs, and decided that it is in some dire need of a facelift. The story itself follows the course of a character's life, death, rebirth and redeath... with his walk from stage to stage written in a "song" format I developed. So keep in mind that each poem is written from the perspective of this character. Because I wrote it so long ago my skills were primitive and much of what I turned out was of very low quality. So I'm coming back and revising the entire series. Here's the first one. Hope you enjoy.  )Crystal Catacombs - Departing The sunlight pursues Eating away your shelter Welcome to the World In retrospect, we find ourselves Most likely as a child In nightmares, as in memories A little boy exiled A figment of imagined tale In memories, a novel weaves A sapling sprout in silt of tears Nutrition felt from dried, dead leaves If I, the future try to grasp With fingers of a fairy tale It shall elude me, as an asp And in the end, my efforts fail But night, a keeper cruel and dark He beckons me to glide alone So fly, shall I, an evening lark Into the crystal catacomb Memories breathe not This man today, tomorrow, Becomes the same thing [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (12-21-2001 05:08 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey...working here to do this, my pc is CRAWLING... don't think I can compete with your ability of critique...but? here goes... first stanza? enjoyed totally...nice intro especially considering my solstice frame of mind today! 2nd? epitomizes what I think is everyone's feeling of "exiled child"---excellent! LOVED the third...especially the final line signifying compost without actually saying it, and re-birth from death-- the fourth...a whole lot can be detemined here if one is determined enough. grin--however would like to see the symbolism more drawn out...especially the bite of the asp! and the fifth is hard for me to understand as I welcome dark...hmmm..elucidate, please? and finally...the last expresses a feeling of futility so profoundly I am almost encouraged to dress as a cheerleader as I type...(now wouldn't ya love that?) Just kidding. I loved the ending, I found it very profound in it's summation of self truth. Looking forward to the next, lovie! Light a small candle for me tonight! |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
It seems like in the revision you made quite a few changes. That or my brain is fried and I couldn't tell Poe from Poptarts. Anyway, I like this version, I think you did well. Not the best of your writings from what I remember... *thinks* but still very well written. I adore your style, a you know. I took a preferance to the stanza.. "But night, a keeper cruel and dark He beckons me to glide alone So fly, shall I, an evening lark Into the crystal catacomb" Great job on the entire thing, Keep me posted on new writings! Take care Sweety! Much Love Ali Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. J'ai t'adore. Je t'aime. |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
It's been awhile since i read your first version of this, long long long time actually.. and I enjoyed the series TONS then. NOW however, I'm Loving it. I've missed reading your work so I'm glad to see you posting again. I think you did a great job on this AllNa. It's dark and beautifully written. Ali got my fav stanza, so I won't repost it here. Great job hun. Can't wait to see the rest. Let me know when you post them. Love you, tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
OH MY GOSH, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN, YOUR WORDS ARE ALWAYS SO WONDERFULLY DESCRIPTIVE!!! (big hugggsssssss) I have just one small question though. Are you sure this sub-title should be "Departing" if this is specifying the person's birth into the world, and also when it is referring soon this person will return to the crystal catacombs he came from? Should it be something more like "Arrival" or a synonym of it? Forgive me if I read this wrong, I loved it so much otherwise. (big hugggsssssss) We all love you so much, sweet friend, this is outstanding! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Allan, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hey everyone, thanks for the feedback... I'll address it now... Serenity, the fifth stanza is the decision to seek meaning and truth to the world, to find that unreachable future. The "crystal catacomb" is a symbol that I use for a path that is binding with invisible walls. He can see so many things surrounding his path, but cannot reach them, because his path is so restricting. Does that make sense? He's embarking, "departing" in a sense, to answer Noah's question. The crystal catacomb is the life that he'll lead from the point onward, and he's not necessarily an infant at this point but that's all interperative... I purposely didn't give him an age. Thanks for your feedback everyone... much appreciated...  |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
Allen, I enjoyed this I'm glad you are revising them and posting them... I will keep an eye open for the others that will follow Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
My analysis skills are taking a breather, so may I just say I enjoyed? And on to the next part [and Allan?  thanks for the indepth on my soddy pieces...quite enjoyed the way you looked at it, and it is allowing me to go back and forth, as I continue on with more Kansas series...thanks!!!] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
well, how are you young man ? Your writing is intense and excellent with much potential, good to read you again. You are like a breath of fresh air. Kathleen (Kay) |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Allan...being new (relatively) A pleasure meeting you and reading some of your poetry. Much enjoyed...I don't have the critical skills....so I won't critique... I too...seem to detect a Poe-ish style to the flow...I enjoy it. |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
ahhh. . . I was hoping that you'd bring all of these out for everyone to see. . .  and, in revised form as well!!! this revised version is indeed far better than the first. . . and better follows the "song" idea that you've invented for these. . . I can hear the singer and the lutes now. . . well done. . . --------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Allen - this is the first I've read of yours. Very well versed. I look forward to more... BC |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Allan I don't believe I have read too much of your work until this one and WOW is about all I can manage at this point! Incredible write poet sir! *Happy Holiday Hugs, Nancy* *~ Wishing you all a magical Christmas ~* |
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