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Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

0 posted 2001-12-02 12:03 PM

**repost from Dec 2000 at the request of a friend,
and because this weekends blue moon lets me know its time.

~Forever December~

in loving memory of DeVante' ... always.

Tonight I felt you ... felt you move inside of me,
felt your restlessness in my soul.
As I sat beneath the silver moon
the November chill made me tremble,
yet, the cold made me feel alive.
My own warm tears felt estranged on my cheeks.
Knees pulled up to my chest, arms locked around them,
embraced by my ache of missing you.
Eyes to ebony skies ... searching the stars,
there is that one that shines brighter
with an emerald spark--a jade glow,
and I just know.

I catch my breath and hold it in ...
my lungs wanting to explode.
Sometimes I want to scream.
Scream from a place so deep inside
that even I've never been there alone.
Sometimes I feel like I could bleed forever,
bleed out of my skin ... bleed from my eyes.
Crying's no longer enough,
there aren't enough tears to release me.
And I cant write enough poetry either,
there's not enough rhyme to purge this.
Besides, my words never do you justice,
and tonight ... neither does the moon.

And I know where all this is coming from.
As the calendar counts off the days ...
screaming wont stop this time's arrival.
Neither can tears, nor poetry ...
for the seasons have nearly come full circle,
as the earth quietly ... constantly keeps time.
Each new day's offering of golden sunrises ...
of rose washed sunsets and a phasing blue moon ...
all serve to remind.
And the memories all come flooding back ...
My first winter with you ... learning to accept it would also be my last.
The way you prepared me to open my heart --
to let go of you ... to let you fly.
The promise to be the wind beneath your wings.

And I remember the day I saw time ... actually witnessed its passage.
That winter's day in the clocktower square.
The millennium clock counting off the seconds,
the minutes, till the years end.
I can still feel the way my knees went weak
and my chest drew in tight.
And I remember thinking ... if I held that breath forever ...
maybe I could make time stand still.

But angels and butterflies aren't held to mortal time.

And just like I had to let go of that breath,
I soon had to let go of you.
So now November again gives way to December
and I see your shadow there.
And I wonder ...
does anyone else question why we feel the need to measure pain?
Why do we mark our losses in the passage of time?
Each passing day weighs out equal.
One hour, one week, one month, one year,
the memory is just as treasured ...
and it's only those moments that matter.

Should the stars all fall from the sky ...
should the moon forget to shine,
let the winds of change blow ...
let the tides wash away the sands of time.
I wont ever let this go, you will never fade in me.
And as time marks the moment ... the night you took flight,
each of us who lived in your light will engrave again it in our hearts.
Still I know ... there will always be that moment etched in time,
as if--like me ... destiny held it's breath ...
and it will be forever December.

Janet Marie

~~~~~~~~

"And I can remember ... Forever December.
The center of dying, the heart of the pain.
The rose in the bottle, the thorns in the bottom
The stars surround me, the cold astounds me"

~Tabitha's Secret~

he said ... "dont cry" ...
said "it only hurts forever ... and all we have is time."

~Tabitha's Secret~

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 12-02-2001).]

RSWells
Member Elite

since 2001-06-17

Posts 2533

1 posted 2001-12-02 12:17 PM

The blue moon on the blue page
the heart's swoon and the tears rage.
This write is a lonely hunter
and this month has just begun.
Seeing it's a repost I pray the mood has lightened.

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2001-12-02 12:29 PM

"the November chill made me tremble,
yet, the cold made me feel alive.
My own warm tears felt estranged on my cheeks.
Knees pulled up to my chest, arms locked around them,
embraced by my ache of missing you."

"And I know where all this is coming from.
As the calendar counts off the days ...
screaming wont stop this time's arrival.
Neither can tears, nor poetry ...
for the seasons have nearly come full circle,
as the earth quietly ... constantly keeps time."

"I can still feel the way my knees went weak
and my chest drew in tight.
And I remember thinking ... if I held that breath forever ...
maybe I could make time stand still."

Oh Janet Marie ... no one writes emotion the way you do my friend. This is truly an amazing write. You drew me entirely into this, from beginning through to the final verse with your vivid and powerful imagery. "One hour, one week, one month, one year" ... although time passes JM ... our memories do not ... you have captured this so exquisitely. A beautifully flowing verse straight from the depths of your tender heart. Just lovely.

Best wishes and big hugs

/Kit

[This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (edited 12-02-2001).]

Daemonyin
Junior Member

since 2001-11-24

Posts 31

3 posted 2001-12-02 12:45 PM

There is nothing I can say that could do this poem justice.... So I'll just say...
Beautiful.

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

4 posted 2001-12-02 12:54 PM

"there aren't enough tears to release me.
And I know where all this is coming from.
As the calendar counts off the days ...
And I remember the day I saw time ... actually witnessed its passage.
destiny held it's breath ...

But angels and butterflies aren't held to mortal time.""
Janet Marie

this made my heart ache, from a deep side I havent wanted to go....for a long time, your poetry and words from the heart do that too me....I cried with the first line, and by the end well.....I love ya for this, and for always sharing your heart so openly.....love did certainly touch you in life, and believe me its so hard to find.....it really is a once in a lifetime..(I know you know that)...our life time awaits....

Lauren~

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (edited 12-02-2001).]

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2001-12-02 01:37 AM

"Sometimes I want to scream.
Scream from a place so deep inside
that even I've never been there alone."

I have heard that scream.
So much to feel inside this poem, emotions covering this blue page. Poetry to save and savor.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

6 posted 2001-12-02 02:59 AM

This is from a warm and tender place in your heart Janet...James

Parker
Member Elite

since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
ON

7 posted 2001-12-02 03:07 AM

Janet, I read this through tonight... it flows so beautifully. I'm sure I felt the same the first time I read it, but it just hit me. You have a way with words sometimes that just hit to the heart completely.

Glad you reposted it.

Back on the pedistals for you browneye's.

Parker

[This message has been edited by Parker (edited 12-02-2001).]

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

8 posted 2001-12-02 05:07 AM

someone else understands the very thing I've been in torment with....loss.
God, this is beautiful

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

9 posted 2001-12-02 06:41 AM

So many memorable lines...so many reasons to remember them...

Sometimes, our heart writes a personal classic that for good reason, needs to be shared among the many. I hope this becomes a seasonal re-poster, for all of the reasons that it is so special to you, and us.

Hugs to you...

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

10 posted 2001-12-02 07:49 AM

Janet Marie,
You are so many things to me and so inturned in my bones that you gave me a wrench. You have oppened my Pandora's box of feelings with your magic key that even raspbery tea will not quench. I sorrow for your sorrow.
But would borrow from tomorrow and ask you please come with me, to the edge of the sea and the valleys of my green. We will hold each others hands and make a wish upon eternity. Yours will be yours and mine will be mine. We will sip a little wine and send it into time. To race into the touchline of tomorrow. From which we wish to borrow.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

11 posted 2001-12-02 08:56 AM

This is a wonderful piece, JM...

I like this part best

quote:

And I remember the day I saw time ... actually witnessed its passage.
That winter's day in the clocktower square.
The millennium clock counting off the seconds,
the minutes, till the years end.
I can still feel the way my knees went weak
and my chest drew in tight.
And I remember thinking ... if I held that breath forever ...
maybe I could make time stand still.

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could in fact choose a special moment for ourselves and make time stand still ... each of us at the moment of our own choice... Whatever would we choose?... I'd have a difficult time choosing - Maybe that's why we can't...

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

12 posted 2001-12-02 09:18 AM

Janet Marie, This is just such an emotional write, I am at a loss as to what to say. I realized toward the end of reading this piece that I was holding my breath....your writing does this to me. Incredible feelings described in this one.
Take care, hugs, Nancy.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

13 posted 2001-12-02 09:48 AM

Richard ... thank you for that lovely verse ... the mood like the moon comes and goes, with the 2 year "anniversary" coming up the marking of time brings it to mind...but time does indeed heal some of the blue.
Some things never leave us ... but then ... some things never should.

Kit-girlie ... you humble me...thank you seems like too little to say for this wonderfully complimentary reply. There is such power in the written word ...
we see that here everyday...both in the poetry that we discover ourself in and the replies that touch us. Thank you for touching me with yours

Daemonyin ... the intend of your words is taken as given ... and your "beautiful" does a wonderful justice...thank you so much...and again...Welcome to Poetry Land.

Lauren .... I know--you know--we know, and though I wish no one had to lose someone they love, there is quiet comfort in knowing you understand and that is something that means much to me. Yes...he was that once in a lifetime love, and I wouldnt have it any other way. Thank you sweet poet

Kacy ... sometimes we just have to "scream it out" even if only poetically.
Thank you the understanding and the kind words. Its always an honor to know someone saves our work for future reads

SBJ ... thank you for the warm and tender reply ... those words come to mind when seeing your name

P-man ... and you have that same way with your words ... this generous reply proves that

thank you my sweet tease friend ... for the pedestals and smiles

Kathleen ... thank you dear for the "beautiful." As we have found here so many times in other peoples words...there are many who have been where we have and understand. As I said above...its quiet comfort knowing we are not alone.

Kari ... thank you for the hugs and understanding ... as long as my muse wont give me any new ones..I am the repost moth

but yes...I know what youre saying...
and I thank you my friend for knowing why this one is special to me...but most of all for its being special to you.

Sy-babes...my goodness ... what can I say to such a wonderful reply.
You humble and honor me till Im speechless(but not winkieless) *L*

Thank you for that endearing, beautiful verse and invitation to fly. You are my morning sun and the raspberry in my tea.

All that you share lets me know there is a tomorrow to wish for. Thank you for being my sweet Stinky

Nan ... thank you for sharing the part you liked best...that part of this poem is very important to me and I hoped I wrote it so the impact of it's revelations came across ....that day's realizations is something I still am learing to accept.
Your exactly right...its not something that should be in our power, because we couldnt ever choose. Thank you so much

Nancy ...thank you!! taking your breath away is a wonderful compliment!! *L*

Thank you so much for this gracious reply..sometimes words arent needed.

thank you all for these touching replies.
I grow in your light.
Thank you to my special someone for requesting I share this one again...
and for it being special to you.
Love to Poetry Land
jm

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

14 posted 2001-12-02 11:48 AM

Janet Marie--Big hugs for you always, especially in this month of remember.

and so I just know
that love never dies
and that souls hold all the candles
and they are the kind
you can’t blow out

love you, girlie

Startime
Member Ascendant

since 2000-10-03

Posts 5918
Canada

15 posted 2001-12-02 12:44 PM

*sigh* the pure magic of a blue moon woven in words that leave me in awe. Your words have the same affect as gazing at the blue moon. Total emotion fills the soul. This poem goes into my library to be shared with all my friends. **hugs** I love it.

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

16 posted 2001-12-02 01:44 PM

Your power always amazes me, Lady. I love this! I think I'll let my husband read it. Years ago he lost his Grandmother (who he was close to) on Dec. 1st which is his birthday also.

Your storm of assumption feeds anger I am calm enough to hold inside. Don't pretend to know me if you've never put stretched out your heart with since

SpitFire
Member Elite

since 2000-04-19

Posts 2396

17 posted 2001-12-02 05:48 PM

~Oh J, *sigh* J,...this poetry has coated me. I just picked my head up off of the folded arms on my desk, (which happened after reading) to try to gather up a reply. But I'm so over taken by the honesty and depth in this and the amazing way that you spread such emotion. I offer hugs and warmth and will. Thank you for sharing you. *Peace for your heart.

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

18 posted 2001-12-02 06:16 PM

Janet Marie, this is just a beautiful peace

December is a good month to remember

HUGS Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just let me know. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace/http://comm

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

19 posted 2001-12-02 06:44 PM

I know these feelings. it has been 7 years for me. One never forgets, the sadness has its ebb and flow.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

20 posted 2001-12-02 08:44 PM

thank you all or these touching replies...
I wanted to say thanks for now until I can get back here and answer each as I did above.
Late this afternoon I came down with that wicked flu going around that all in my house had last week...so i guess it was my turn.
I'll be back when I can type with out the fever blurring my mothy vision

thanks guys...Im gonna read a few of you and go to bed early

Marina
Member Elite

since 2000-02-10

Posts 2245
Pickering, Ontario

21 posted 2001-12-02 08:50 PM

I have to thank your friend for this repost. One of my favourites from you and you know how I love it when DaVante pays us a visit. X-Mas is just around the corner and I wish I could spend it in such a wonderful place as DeVante and my Dad will.

Me

It is a blessing to have wings for words and passion in pen.

Marina Crossley

Joe Lamando
Member

since 2001-11-20

Posts 124
Massachusetts,USA

22 posted 2001-12-02 09:08 PM

Well, I'm breathless! A passionate write, for sure. Thank you for sharing.

Joe Lamando

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

23 posted 2001-12-02 09:29 PM

Wow, what an incredible piece of poetry. I can just feel the loss, the longing in this one. I don’t know who it was written for, but it strongly brings back memories of loss to me, one through death, and one not. This is simply outstanding.

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Eloise
Senior Member

since 1999-11-27

Posts 1096
Wyoming

24 posted 2001-12-02 09:58 PM

I missed this the first time, but glad that I had a chance to read it this time. This has such emotion and tenderness in it. Thanks for reposting it. -- Beautiful.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

25 posted 2001-12-02 11:45 PM

I am back....smile...

loved the title of this...
and of course your personality and caring shine through!

You once said I had my own style? Well you have yours too, and it's so soothing and lovely---Reading you is like being rocked lovingly, very nurturing special lady!

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

26 posted 2001-12-02 11:50 PM

JM, I'm not going to insult this poem by trying to respond to it. Just know that I know it is a masterpiece of work...

OLIAS
Senior Member

since 2000-06-20

Posts 1090
Pearl city Iowa

27 posted 2001-12-02 11:53 PM

Put the poetry on hold and write that novel, with lines like these flowing from your pen its in the bag. Great work, I havent the words so I wont try. Just to say I liked.

Regards and take care,
Olias.

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

28 posted 2001-12-02 11:57 PM

ahhh....

THERES A BLUE MOON UP IN THE SKY TONIGHT,
AND THE STARS AND SHINING, THE TIME IS RIGHT,
AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT,
THERES A BLUE MOON UP IN THE SKY TONIGHT.

AAhhhhh yes the winds of change are blowing wild and free. Nothing ever destroys a lasting memory, for it is forever december, and you will see this person again whenever forever comes.

Love is God. Love is war. Love is what your life is for.

snowpants
Member Elite

since 2000-09-16

Posts 2061
KS

29 posted 2001-12-03 12:17 PM

'Tonight I felt you ... felt you move inside of me,
felt your restlessness in my soul.
As I sat beneath the silver moon
the November chill made me tremble,
yet, the cold made me feel alive.
My own warm tears felt estranged on my cheeks.
Knees pulled up to my chest, arms locked around them,
embraced by my ache of missing you.
Eyes to ebony skies ... searching the stars,
there is that one that shines brighter
with an emerald spark--a jade glow,
and I just know.'

'Still I know ... there will always be that moment etched in time,
as if--like me ... destiny held it's breath ...
and it will be forever December.'

Dear Lord, J...now you've definitely given some competition to 'In Rhythm with the Rain'...I'll have to think this one over...we could just have...*drum roll*...a new favorite...ok, I know it's a repost, but anyway...maybe a tie...

...well, this is spectacular in every way...the cadence, images, just the general feel...fantastic work as always, J...makes me miss your muse as much as you do now...sheesh...

...great write, girlie...

k

And did you know with the rain in your pockets,
you can change the weather...

rwood
Member Elite

since 2000-02-29

Posts 3793
Tennessee

30 posted 2001-12-03 06:27 AM

This is my 4th read and I still don't know what to say. You have brought forth emotions and memories that I can only quietly connect, and give you a sisterly squeeze of hand. {{hugs}}

Sincerely,
Regina

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

31 posted 2001-12-03 06:43 AM

Wow Janet,
I held my breath and got swept along in the whitewater torrent of emotion, drowning on occasions beneath it's turbulent surface but always swirling back to be pushed forward...but your words always do this to me. Then they toss me to the shore where I lie too weak to move. Powerful, magical and painful write...but so wondrous.
Write on
Keth

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

32 posted 2001-12-03 08:34 AM

Martie-girl ..thank you sweets ...you know how i love that verse and its special meaning....thank you for the hugs...I know that you know...more quiet comfort

Startime... thank you very much ... it tis and honor to be in your library .. thank you for this lovely, enthusiastic reply

Jenn ... Im honored and touched that you would share this with your hubby. I hope it offers him some light. "They" say that when a loved one dies on a birthday that it opens a special door to heaven. Thank you so much for your gracious compliments to my work

Alicia ... your replies are like poetry only you would say "coated me"

thank you sweets so much for the encouraging words. Ive missed you,
I hope all is well with you too.

Titia ... thank you for the beauitiful reply, so good to see you here. Yes, Dec holds many memories for me in my time with this beautiful man.

Songbird ... Im sorry for your loss...I hope this maybe brought some good memories for you too...thank you for your kind words.

Marina-girl ... yes you are so right...they are in a better place. Thank you dear friend...I know Dec hold many emotions for you as well ... more quiet comfort.

Joe ... breathless is good !!

thank you poet sir for coming by to read and again Welcome to Poetry Land.

Tracy ... thank you for this complimentary and understanding reply. I hope they were good memories for you as well.

Im sure there are many here who relate to this on all levels. thanks for the "incredible".

Eloise ... how great to see you back here...seems like its been a while. I will look for your work in these much to fast pages. Do ya believe how much its grown.

thank you for the kind words.

KA ... baby you gotta stop going away...the weekends are long enough

thank you me twin...moth style or not tis all mine LOL Im not sure how I could bottle it though ... not as easy to sell as your rhyme water

Balladeer....YOU can "insult" me anytime with a wonderful reply like that

coming from you that is high praise...thank you so much Michael

Olias....trust me my friend...your words did just fine.

Thank you so much for such lovely compliments. A novel? I can barely get me moody muse to give me poetry anymore. LOL thank you poet sir

Eagle S ... yes your right I will

thank you so much for the cool verse and the kind words poet sir

Kris-girlie.....wow....Up there with Rhythm? well knowing how much you like that one, I am complimented

thank you so much for this very cool reply...me thinks its my first drum roll hehe Coming from one who does free verse so well, I am thrilled you like this one so much. Thanks K muchly

Regina... thank you so much....your replies intent touched me....your words were perfect

thank you for the sisterly hug too ...anyone who can read my work 4 times deserves a hug *L* Thank you dear poetess

Keth ... my goodness...what a wonderful compliment...your reply reads like poetry

thank you so much girlie for such gracious and generous praise ...
its sooooo good to have you back on the blue pages

I am deeply touched by all the replies ....you guys never cease to amaze me.
Thank you so very much for the wonderful heartfelt responses to this.
I always say that I cant take all the credit for my Vante' poetry....for I know Im not writing them alone. I merely hold the pen for my butterfly muse

my love and respect to Poetry Land

he said ... "dont cry" ...
said "it only hurts forever ... and all we have is time."

~Tabitha's Secret~

Mother_Earth
Senior Member

since 2000-11-20

Posts 1370
1/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Michigan

33 posted 2001-12-03 10:51 AM

Janet Marie, this is so beautiful and from the heart. I think all of us can "use" parts of this in our own lives. Thank you for sharing your loved one with us. Are you feeling better? Love dear and thanks, Mother_Earth

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

34 posted 2001-12-03 10:58 AM

Forever you,
Forever Janet,
Forever BRILLIANT!!!!

regards,
sudhir

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

35 posted 2001-12-03 10:40 PM

M.E. ... hey....so good to see your name here again...welcome back...hows the weather in Texas LOL....thank you so much for the kind words...and Im feeling better thanks for asking..think it was the 24 bug...

Sudhir....thank you thank you thank you my BRILLIANT friend

thanks so much guys

jm

he said ... "dont cry" ...
said "it only hurts forever ... and all we have is time."

~Tabitha's Secret~

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

36 posted 2001-12-06 03:19 PM

Janet,

so sadly, beautifully and tenderly written. I echo Martie.

Maree

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

37 posted 2001-12-06 03:37 PM

Janet the near loss of my love last year
made me realize how precious love is. Your words here capture that all so well.
Hugs dear poetess.

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

(I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance~Garth)

Charisma

Member Ascendant

since 2000-09-30

Posts 5906
lost in blue pages

38 posted 2001-12-06 04:01 PM

Wish I had the right words to tell you how your words moved my heart....

(((warm hugs)))
Charisma

~*Theresia~*

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

39 posted 2001-12-06 11:26 PM

And I wonder ...
does anyone else question why we feel the need to measure pain?
Why do we mark our losses in the passage of time?

I wish I could tell you how deeply I felt these words. I'm glad you reposted since I wasn't around to see it the first time.

LngJhnAg
Member Elite

since 1999-07-23

Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion

40 posted 2001-12-06 11:53 PM

Janet - Of all the poetry you've written, and all the poetry that has been posted here, this has got to be one of the most emotional, deepest poems I've read. Well done, well done, indeed. If this is from your heart, I know why it is so well written. If it isn't, then you are all the more incredible for writing it.

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

41 posted 2001-12-07 12:01 PM

Janet Marie,
If not in the past...in the future, we will all experience this pain. My wife lost her sister and I had to share your poem. We are both so moved by our feelings which you have so effectively expressed. What a wonderful gift for us you have made of your love. Thank you. (And get well.) Peace.

Sin isn't fair, but God got even, grace isn't fair either. larry c

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

42 posted 2001-12-07 01:02 AM

Janet, dahling...

I can't believe you've gotten such a response on this poem. I've never gotten so many replies to one of my poems... you should be proud...

Seems like everyone's got the general praise part down... so I'll dispense with it and hop into critique.

Head first, here I go!

First stanza... well the first two sentences are along the same lines but don't fit with one another.  "Felt you... felt you" struck me as odd.  You might change it to "I felt you tonight," to save this from being a problem.

The word "yet" doesn't need a comma after it.  That disrupts the flow.

Second stanza.  "My lungs wanting to explode" doesn't go with the way you were describing the first or third line.  "My lungs want to explode" might be a good revision, it would fit in better.  And instead of the ellipse, a simple line break would suffice, in most of (if not just all of) the spots where you used ellipse.  I understand the importance of ellipse in poetry, but in here I just felt that it spaced too many of the thoughts apart.

Third stanza is sound except... why oh why use that horrid, horrid cliche at the end... it really takes a lot away from the poem.  A LOT.

Stanza four is astounding, it's my favourite stanza of the poem.  The only thing that I didn't like was the ellipse, which hampered the flow once more.  But the description of the flowing of time, the memories and the contrasting between your current and past states of mind... is really well crafted here.

Fifth "stanza," the stand alone line, is fine.  Angels and butterflies are a bit overused in poetry but that's fine for the purpose you intended it.  It didn't do harm.

Sixth stanza.  You use passage and passing too closely together, it sounds redundant.

  Memory, those moments, that matter.  VERY nice consonance with these words, they all sound just lovely.

Ok, here's the last stanza...
Winds of change, tides wash away, sands of time...
A few phrases that I felt were borderline cliche... but once more, they don't really harm the poem all that much.  I'd still try to find a way around at least "sands of time" and "winds of change."
"Engrave again it in our hearts," that should be reworded.  "Engrave it again in our hearts," perhaps?

Nice closing... you ended with the title, but it made sense.  That tends to be cheesy but not here... it was lead up to and not anticipated.

Overall, Janet, I'd say that I'm moderately impressed with the overall quality of this piece.  As the first poem of yours I've read (or can remember reading, for that matter), I can't exactly weigh it against anything else you've done.  However, the description of emotion was rather clear, and the ponderings and philosophical value of the narrator's proposals is quite good, actually.

I've got my eye on you, Janet.

In anticipation,
~Allan

"I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible."
~Vangelis

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 12-07-2001).]

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

43 posted 2001-12-07 01:22 AM

Janet Marie,
Regardless, I came back to save this poem. Thank you dear.

The past is history and the future is a mystery, but today is a gift and that is why it is the present!

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

44 posted 2001-12-07 01:39 AM

Thank you Larry & ALL for these absolutley amazing replies...I will be back in morning to reply to each of you..but if I dont shut this puter down its gonna fry

Allan...that was FAST service poet sir

THANK YOU so much for the constructive critique....its always hard to look unbiasedly at piece from a year ago and also one so personal.
But if we are to grow as poets we need fresh eyes to let us view the poetry thru.
Thanks for lending me yours.

I'll get back to you too

later poet-gators
jm

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

45 posted 2001-12-07 02:47 AM

I do believe this is the first time I have felt a soul weep tears of remember such as you have done here for DaVante and also yourself JM. I think that December is the time of remember for a reason. What a gift he gave you, and what a gift you share with us, as this kind of love is rarely written and shared with such truth, depth, and passion. Perhaps December is the month of remember to rekindle memories in your heart, for it our memories that fill us up with love when we need it most. Huge hugs for you and our angel too. I think he would want you to see the wonder in the moon and stars though

I have no adjective to describe this writing, it just is as it should be JM, and I thank you for sharing this wonder with me.

~*~ Carpe' Diem ~*~

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (edited 12-07-2001).]

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

46 posted 2001-12-07 03:03 AM

Heart and soul wrapped up in this emotional work of art.
Superb
Liz

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

47 posted 2001-12-07 09:28 AM

Maree... hey you

good to see your smile back in here ... thank you so much for coming in and finding this one and for the kind words. I hope to get to read some of you soon too

Donna ... thank you very much for the hugs and kind words. Im so happy to hear you realize the gift of your second chance....we cant waste one moment. TY

Charisma ... trust me sweet poet... you DID find the right words

thank you very much

Duncan ... hey-theres our poet of few words

thank you so much D..your reply's depth was felt, trust me TY

Long John ... Your reply humbles me poet sir...truly....and I thank you very very much for such wonderful compliments and letting me know that you felt the words, for that is the reason they need to be written and then shared. I am still constantly amazed and touched at the power of the written word. Thank you for touching me with yours

Larry ... Im so thrilled you found healing for your familys loss in my words...that touches me deep and also allows Vante's light to touch you. Thank you so very very much for that and I am most honored to be in your library.
Again, thank you so much.

Allan ... Im going to cut and copy your reply so that I can take it and lay it beside the poem and then go throught it line by line....I thank you so much for coming by as I asked. I truly appreciate the time that it takes to give in depth replies like this, I know in these busy forums its not easy to do. But if we are all to continue growing and to keep learning more about poetry and also how to share poetry, we must also learn how to read it and share what we found in each others words. Thanks for sharing with me

I'll be in touch. OH and when I listed some of my "weaknesses" to you in that email...I fogot to tell you about my ellipses additction LOL...guess you got that on your own LOL thank you poet sir

Sharon ... hey Lady...welcome back

and thank you so much for this very touching and humbling reply, I know you understand the loss all too well and I thank you for the understanding and acceptance. December holds so much significance as it was my last month with him, and we all knew it near was the end of our time with this extraordianary man.The holidays and his New Years Eve Birthday made that even more significant, but also it was 1999--the year of the coming new Milleneum. The "countdown" to the years end that was so hugely anticipated added to the intensity and ache of knowing time was slipping away. It was like the whole world was wanting the time to pass beond Y-2K and I just wanted to make time stand still. Thank you so much for Sharon for this wonderful reply and allowing me to share him.

Lizzie ... hello sweet poetess ... a superb from you is high and humbling praise and I thank you so much

I hope you are feeling well. I was so thrilled to hear about your trip to meet Martie. How lucky you both are

take care of you dear one

Thank you seems too little to say for these kind of touching replies...
Any sharing of him allows his light to continue touching others, and that is another promise kept. The lesson was learning to accept that sometimes we have to be able to love someone enough to show them we can let them go and celebrate the gifts we found in our time and to savor each moment. A lesson we have all had to learn on different levels in the light of these troubled and tradgic times.
Something that we will hopefully all share in the coming holidays with our loved ones.
Thank you all for what you share with me....as I am so much better for your touch.
love and respect to poetry land.

Sprayed across my heart and hers
danced butterflies in the wild.
This angel, this woman,
who loves me with the innocence of a child.

DeVante'

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

48 posted 2001-12-12 03:03 AM

Janet Marie-
   Oh yes...I remember this one very well.
   This is such an absolutely beautiful
   piece of your heart and is one of my
   favorites of yours.  I'm REALLY glad
   you reposted it for us.
   Great big HUGS,
   ~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

49 posted 2001-12-12 01:27 PM

If there ever comes a time when this fails to touch me to the depth of my being, I'll know I've breathed my last... for this isn't just superb writing, it's confirmation that not even death can destroy love... and that empty arms cannot rob a heart of what it holds. *S* Beautiful!

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

50 posted 2001-12-12 08:36 PM

Vicky ... thank you for such a gracious lovely reply...good to see you back with us.
Thank you for allowing this one to be special to you.

Ruth ... your replies read like poetry lady...must mean you are a poet

Thank you so very much for this generous touching reply. You know what I always say....
"somethings never leave us....somethings never should."

This month fills me with so many emotions and memories...but regardless of the season he is always with me. TY *s*

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 12-12-2001).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

51 posted 2005-01-01 01:07 AM

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

52 posted 2005-01-02 03:09 AM

...

Your love is apparent in your devotion, lovie.

And you are allowed to mourn and celebrate any way you like, on any day you like.

(and he taught you that, and now you teach us,/i>...)

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

53 posted 2005-01-03 01:19 AM

reaching through the blue screen to hold your hand, and whisper, these words are timeless moments of love

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

54 posted 2005-01-03 02:33 PM

thank you KA and Kacy-girls

you guys are so sweet...

No tears...just warm memories and my wanting to take a moment to honor this gifted man and wounded bird whom taught me so much about understanding the reasons of why we are who we are. I know hes touching the warm now.

heart-hugs

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

55 posted 2005-01-03 09:50 PM

Thank goodness for archives, as I so needed to read about real love today. No one, absolutely no one writes emotion such as you do dear lady as it permeates your very soul. He taught you well what "we are all about," and I thank him as you now are showing us in your wisdom.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

56 posted 2005-01-03 11:24 PM

thank you Sharon ... youre much too good to me--I dont know about wisdom, most times I'm my own worst enemy...but he did teach me there is always a light to show us our way back...we just need to be really emotionally honest about the dark first.

Im pleased you found some light in the things he inspired in me.

and...thank you for the graphic

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

57 posted 2005-11-25 02:34 PM

"Sometimes I feel like I could bleed forever"

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

58 posted 2005-11-25 11:29 PM

Me too Susan, me too!

I am glad this came up again, as sometimes you just feel better feeling bad - if that makes sense.

To quote our resident moth as only she can do,
Sometimes I want to scream.
Scream from a place so deep inside
that even I've never been there alone.

Each time I read this poem of Jan's it takes me closer to that place, and hopefully a sense of letting go.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

59 posted 2006-06-17 03:33 PM

I was simply craving some good emotional food for thought, and came to feast.

Waste not a second ~ Carpe' Diem

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