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Open Poetry #16
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Melancholy Moonlight
| Open Poetry #16 |
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Melancholy Moonlight |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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This is a repost from teen 4 and I'm hoping for a little more response. It's my first time posting in open so I'm not sure if I'll make the grade in here. Anyway I would be most grateful for any reply ~* Melancholy moonlight *~ Shines a melancholy moon tonight, Blue, it’s slowly waning light, A thousand tear drops light the sky, Stars from heaven from her blue eye, Giant whispers float down stream, Sailing in my perfect dream, Playful streaming wisps of hair, Falling, an angel hears my prayer, As lightning tears my soul apart, A delicate thunder beats my heart, An angel mends my inner aching, In my dreams and in my waking, On the wind glides her soft, sweet breath, Her beauty shines through tragic death, And in her eyes lies all her love, Stolen and taken up high above. From this melancholy moon tonight, Shines a golden halo of light, Angel from heaven protects our way, And guides me to another day. Andrew "Ph33r Me I eat N00bies Ph0R bReakFAsT" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Well Andrew ... welcome to open...  and your poem more than makes the grade... this is a beautiful poem ... your imagery is wonderful and your cadence is a delight to read aloud, youve taken a poetically lovely theme and wrapped it in ethereal imagery creating a dream like essence to the poem. You carried the celestial theme well through out the poem.. working the metaphor perfectly. Your emotions are well expressed using elements of nature to define them .. the title and the repetative use of it, gave you the added bonus of working in an alliteration as well as adding melodics. My only suggestions of change is in your first verse... you can make the "eye" plural and still make the rhyme with with Sky... eye sounds forced ... and her "blue eyes" is what we would say if talking... or make the line.... "Stars from heaven from her blue eye" Stars from heaven in her blue eyes, or Stars from heaven shine in her blue eyes, or shimmer or whatever word you like.. that way you dont repeat "from" in the same line. and in your second verse...gentle whispers or some softer poetic word in place of "giant" would keep with the theme you have created. this is a bittersweet beauty...and your talent shines in this as well. hope this helps...take care jm We're all feeding our lonely ... like it might go away, Like the doors of heaven will swing wide ... if we just find the right words to say. [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 10-07-2001).] |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
Glad you repost it in open as it is truly a wonderful gem....hope to see more from you Charisma |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
This is very good. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Lovely indeed. You have a charming way of expressing yourself. Hope to see more of you here in open forum. ~Nancy~ ~Time has cast a spell on you, |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Please don't ever be timid about posting with us "older" poets...sometimes aka grownups, though often undeserving of that moniker. Your poem is lovely as it is, but Janet's critique is excellent. I especially like the suggestion about puttin the eyes in the plural form. You wrote a poem anyone could be proud of, and age doesn't really matter (to me) anyway. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
What a lovely poem! And welcome to Open. |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
This was stunning, Andrew. Hope to see more of you here! All writing comes |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
I remember this poem from a couple of months ago. I remember it so clearly because it spoke to me on so many levels it's hard to explain. this is my favorite poem from you, other than Angel of the Watch. You are a truly talented poet, and I hope to hear more from you soon. ~*~I'm in love with a man named ZU~*~ *huggles Krissy* |
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