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Open Poetry #16

First Draft - Help edit

Ousiders Cattermole
Junior Member

since 2001-11-02

Posts 27

0 posted 2001-11-09 12:06 PM

In the quaintest ever gloom -
For the quivering of hell,
By the ringing in of doom -
The feeble began to swell.

With a wretched masquerade -
Anguished upon all to weep,
For the earnest came to gaze -
As the wicked went to seek.

Many years of erie wander -
Amid the queerest hue of night,
No longer shall I ponder -
As the wicked rose to fight.

wayoutwalt
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)

1 posted 2001-11-09 12:32 PM

I think its good, personally, I hope someone else can help you o yuh.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

2 posted 2001-11-09 12:36 PM

I would help, but I like it as it is. And I can't even help myself half the time anyway. LOL (But we do have some wonderfully poetic editors in here somewhere.)

Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

3 posted 2001-11-09 04:29 PM

Well this likes me a lot, I just think more need to see it....

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

4 posted 2001-11-09 04:42 PM

dont change a word of this, its really awesome as is!!

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

5 posted 2001-11-09 04:45 PM

BRAVO!!! I AGREE!!! More need to read this wonderful piece, and it is so wonderful as it already is! (smiles) You always express emotions so wonderfully, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

6 posted 2001-11-09 04:49 PM

Ok, I love editing, this is my take...for flow and all and a little more perfect rhyme.

btw I like this very much....

In the quaintest ever gloom -
For the quivering of hell,
By the ringing in of doom -
all the feeble souls that swell.

With a wretched masquerade -
Anguished cries for all to weep,
for the earnest came to gaze -
As the wicked went to sleep.

Many years of eerie wander -
here amid the hue of night,
now, no longer shall I ponder -
once a wicked rose to fight.

Kathleen
nickname "Kay"
also wrote as The Lady of Shallot
"be true to yourself"

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-09-2001).]

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