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Open Poetry #16
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weaubleau
Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 101
MO

0 posted 2001-11-08 04:11 AM


Where am I?
I look in the mirror, and I see a man…
Yet still I wonder…

Who is this?
There is a man staring back at me…
I can feel his glare in my own eyes….
Yet still I wonder…

How did this man steal my reflection?
Once when I looked in the mirror…
I was proud of the man that looked back at me…
Now it is someone else…
Someone that I’m not so proud of…
How did this man steal my reflection?

Where do I go from here?
I have taken so many roads…
To get to where I am…
Yet, as I look around…
There are no paths in sight…
So again I wonder…
Where do I go from here?

Can I still save myself?
My mind and soul are lost somewhere in this reflection…
In my heart, love is still living…
But it is smothering…
The last ambers of love, now giving way to ashes…
If I can save the fire, I can save my heart…
But even if I save my heart…
Can I save myself?



© Copyright 2001 steven - All Rights Reserved
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2001-11-08 07:18 AM


Wonderful pondering in this piece weaubleu ... much enjoyed the depth of your thoughts in this reflective verse.  

Best wishes,
/Kit

The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818
USA
2 posted 2001-11-08 10:31 AM


Critiquing is a labor of love to a fellow poet. I'm thrilled you are beginning to share your writings. That's wonderful.
Ok, in this piece, couple of things...
did you mean "embers" instead of "ambers?"

Lots of questions in this poem. Are you wanting to leave the answers to the reader?
Tell us more about the man in the mirror NOW, as he is, describe him more...get more specific and by that I mean "heart and soul"
are vague terms that are very poetic but kind of dangle out there. Get into the meat of your "heart and soul" and spill your guts out. It will feel fantastic.

keep writing, Steven, good to have you here.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

[This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 11-08-2001).]

weaubleau
Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 101
MO
3 posted 2001-11-08 05:05 PM


kit- thanks for the compliment...however, this was written without any following corrections or second thoughts, so, considering your experience with poetry, i'm sure there are things in this poem that you didn't like so much...don't be afraid to tell me...i'm looking to improve my writing skills.  thanks again though.

shallot- this is exactly the type of help that i am looking for.  
you were right, i was looking for the word embers (not ambers)!  quite a difference there!  also, i realized that i was leaving the vague terms in the poem and also repeating myself too much- on the other hand, those were the words that kept running through my mind, so i thought i'd see if everyone agreed that i needed to change them or if maybe it was just my inexperience that was telling me to change them...
i will rewrite this, looking more into the person that i see in the mirror...
let me know how you like my revision.
thanks again for your help.  

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