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Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

0 posted 2001-09-18 02:37 PM

The drop and drip of pitterpattering rain
Against a dusky oriel;
The slow rustle of one leaf, then two,
Drifting through close-cut plats of grass.

Dew-sheathed lines sway in melancholy,
The jays following in unconscious balance.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2001-09-18 02:55 PM

watching the world through windows again...hey you...it's a gray day here today too...love this

Charisma

Member Ascendant

since 2000-09-30

Posts 5906
lost in blue pages

2 posted 2001-09-18 03:15 PM

~Dew-sheathed lines sway in melancholy,
The jays following in unconscious balance~

thanks for sharing.

Charisma

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

3 posted 2001-09-18 03:18 PM

Lovely words to indicate the mood of the times. Joyce

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

4 posted 2001-09-18 03:55 PM

I loved the lines that Charisma pointed out.
Good Poem my friend..: )

<3 RP

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

5 posted 2001-09-18 04:30 PM

Very well done imagery!

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

6 posted 2001-09-18 05:21 PM

I was up from 2 to 3 this morning trying to think of words to describe the sound of rain. You can do better than pitterpattering. Just my two cents.

Ryan

Sigur Ros

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

7 posted 2001-09-18 06:20 PM

*SIGH*
When you write, you REALLY WRITE WONDERFULLY, luv!

This is just beautiful, and I LOVE pitterpattering

Don't gain my affections then cover my eyes. Don't sweep me off my feet then fail to catch me before I hit the floor.

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

8 posted 2001-09-18 06:37 PM

RYAN,

I think pitterpattering describes the rain just fine. Sorry if it wasnt enough imagery for you

Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

9 posted 2001-09-18 06:50 PM

Great line:

"The jays following in unconscious balance."

And pitterpattering expressed rain quite well.

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

10 posted 2001-09-18 06:59 PM

*Grins* Don't mind Ry y'all, he's just jealous! LMAO! That and one of my best friends who likes to use sarcasm.

Thanks for reading.

Ry, I'll see what I can do. Hehe...not.

Pell
Member

since 2001-09-16

Posts 134
Pacific NW

11 posted 2001-09-18 07:32 PM

oh, now I Like this!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

12 posted 2001-09-18 08:31 PM

Rain pitter-patters... It does, Ryan... It really does...

Pip
Member

since 2001-09-14

Posts 59

13 posted 2001-09-18 09:12 PM

Ryan got told! LOL

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

14 posted 2001-09-18 09:47 PM

Oh, but everyone knows rain pitterpatters. It can do so much more too. That's all I'm saying.

Ryan

Sigur Ros

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

15 posted 2001-09-18 09:52 PM

Pitterpattering is a good thing!

Enjoyed!

~Time has cast a spell on you
so you won't ever forget me~

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

16 posted 2001-09-18 09:58 PM

All right Ryan so go play in the rain for a couple hours, come back in and enlighten us. Tell us how you'd describe it. Inquisitive minds want to know, hehe

Alan
Senior Member

since 2000-09-12

Posts 1499
right next door

17 posted 2001-09-18 09:58 PM

enjoyed the read.
alan

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

18 posted 2001-09-19 03:50 AM

MaskedIntruder~
Very nicely done~
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

Bilby
Junior Member

since 2001-07-31

Posts 14
Northern Territory, Australia

19 posted 2001-09-19 04:11 AM

"pitterpattering" ... depends what it is falling on. Seems to tinker-plinkel on my corrugated iron roof here.
Anyways, I'd tend to stay away from anything that remotely resembles a cliche in a short poem as there is only a preciously small amount of space in which to set the mood. I think what Ryan was getting at is that pitterpattering isn't particularly seductive, not in a way that could have had the rain weaving a thread of senseless beauty through the heart of the poem.
I presume "plat" is in the sense of Milton's "This flowery plat, the sweet recess of Eve".
cheers,
Alan

"All poets are mad." - Robert Burton

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

20 posted 2001-09-19 07:41 AM

Beautiful imagery and phrasing MI, very nicely done.

Best wishes,
/Kit

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

21 posted 2001-09-20 09:55 PM

Masked Intruder-
  Nicely penned...enjoyed the imagery.
  Hugs,
  ~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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