Being One (need your help here...j.)

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jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

0 posted 2001-11-02 09:15 PM

(This is a special write, and I would appreciate knowing what changes it needs, what doesn't work in it, what I may be able to do to make it work correctly, what doesn't sound right, or is not understandable - anything at all that strikes you.

Thank you in advance...Jimmy)

Being One

When she loved me we took walks
hand in hand we looked at stars
spoke of babies
held moonlight in our eyes
traded hearts and smiles
stopped being two - became one

But it was a lie
a silly game that children do
young hearts playing at love
being mommy and daddy
dreaming silly dreams
saying foolish words
never meant to be

When she loved me next
childhood fantasies were gone
starlight was replaced by reality
babies cried in the middle of the night
two hearts argued about whose turn it was -
and somewhere we stopped being one
became two

When she loved me
we took walks hand in hand
lit the moon
and I loved her
yes I loved her
and I want us to be one again

When we loved again
the children were gone
our hair turned gray
our skin had lost its youth
age showed in our smiles
but somewhere we stopped being two
became one
took moonlight walks
hand in hand
speaking of babies grown
grandchildren coming
traded hearts and smiles
were young again

When she loves me
as I love her
there could never be an end
to the dreams we dream
the things we see
the words we share -
and I love her
as she loves me
and whisper lovers words
only we can hear
as we lay there in the end of years
content with the life we've shared

When she loves me -
Oh, when she loves me
I love her
so much more

w. james beard, jr.
© November 2001

[This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 11-02-2001).]

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

1 posted 2001-11-02 09:20 PM

Honestly? Don't touch a thing! In my opinion, this is a perfectly beautiful touching write that I thoroughly enjoyed.
~hugs, Nancy~

~Time has cast a spell on you,
So that you won't ever forget me.~

Startime
Member Ascendant

since 2000-10-03

Posts 5918
Canada

2 posted 2001-11-02 09:23 PM

Oh my gosh!!!Don't you dare change a single thing. *shoot*I can't help but react emotionally to this wonderful poem. You write of your love for your wife with such tenderness and perfect beauty. BRAVO!!!BRAVO!!!THIS IS A MASTERPIECE OF THE HEART AND I AM KEEPING THIS ONE. I so love it when men write about how much they love their wives. It gives me hope, you see.

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

3 posted 2001-11-02 09:49 PM

Jimmy--You have spoken your heart in this poem..and it feels just right, because it came from that place in you. A beautiful and heartwarming poem!!

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

4 posted 2001-11-02 09:57 PM

Perfect as is!!!!!

A Whisper's Caress
Senior Member

since 2000-11-03

Posts 791
on the horizon of a fairytale

5 posted 2001-11-02 10:08 PM

the only thing I would change, is the punctuation. leave the commas and stuff out.

beautiful wording and form.

Look into the eyes of a man and
you will find the soul of the woman
who loves him...

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

6 posted 2001-11-03 02:32 AM

"When she loves me as I love her
there could never be an end
to the dreams we dream."
I think this poem portrays the importance and the blessings that come when two people love each other equally...and both know the joy of loving and being loved...James

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

7 posted 2001-11-03 04:04 AM

How could she not love you, j???

Love has many moods and faces, and we have to learn to appreciate each phase...sort of like watching a child grow.

You are a dearheart, jwesley. And this is perfect as is.

catalinamoon

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-03

Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone

8 posted 2001-11-03 05:13 AM

Absolutely perfect, as is. Really.
Sandra

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

9 posted 2001-11-03 07:08 AM

I enjoyed the read, so I guess the question is, you had concern when you posted it.

What would You have changed?

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

10 posted 2001-11-03 01:04 PM

Thank you all for your comments though as usual I think you are all too nice. I truly appreciate the read and though I may not respond to your writings as often as most of you respond to others, be assured I read and appreciate far more than I answer - due time limitations.

As far as what I would have changed - well, don't know YET. Gonna have to revisit it a few times - not satisfied or comfortable with it as is - I don't feel it reads right or smoothly enough - will work it (something I'm not use to doing - normally I just subject you to my first and only write of a piece (poor you!) and never go back to it. But this one I want correct as it was a special request -

Thanks ever so much for all your time and comments - ALWAYS - on mine and others' writing. You're a terrific bunch of people!

jwesley

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