Bloodletting On the Horizon of a Once Balanced Ground (repost from Open13)

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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2001-10-31 06:15 PM

Umm..not enough room to say so, but this is also a re-write.

Please tell me which you like better, and if there is anything wrong with this one let me know.

Since I did take time to rework this one, I'm welcoming critiques.

You can compare the two if you like, here....
/pip/Forum47/HTML/002189.html

Breath suspends in touchable ache,
as a heart thumps to the beat of a careless tone.
Blood marches swiftly, awakening
cheeks to a maddened flush.
Eyes are temper colored and tear teased.
Tightened fists are like fortresses
trying to quell a lit fuse
as they stand against loss of control.
A sigh carefully rejects bottled steam.

One careless tone ignites another.
Then voices clash,
In an animated jaw clenching rage.
In the end the battleground is bloody.
Egos and emotions litter the ground
like too many sad casualties.
Their ghosts will grieve in unrest
for the problem unsolved.
There are stains on once peaceful grass,
reminding us that war in love's land accomplishes nothing
but casualties and unmendable hearts.
Only bitterness remainds for the two and their plight.
What did it prove in the end
when she tried to speak in his kingdom,
and he didn't listen?
What common ground was gained
when she failed to just walk away from the first wound?
Tears journey close to cheeks for the pain,
but they accomplish nothing.
Anger barricades a once giving spirit.
Ego soars higher with the folly of pride,
but pride must have its fall,
so the slaying of a giant is at hand.

Two sides
well argued.
One union,
cracked and splitting wider,
beneath the trembling quake of communication.

There are four feet.
Two are shrouded in the black of blindess.
One is grounded in some hope,
and another is fence riding on one side of the fence,
tugging with desperation on the one lost in futility,
to join it and find true happiness.

Sometimes the heart needs the solace of solitude and silence.

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

1 posted 2001-10-31 07:02 PM

as before, the depth of feeling here is just amazing. . .

I like the re-write better. . . you explore a little deeper with it, and your use of language is better in this one. . .

wonderful. . .

-------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Startime
Member Ascendant

since 2000-10-03

Posts 5918
Canada

2 posted 2001-10-31 07:24 PM

WOW!!!They are both stunning. I cannot truly decide between them. Your talent is absolutely amazing. BRAVO!!!

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

Decaflame
Senior Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 1635

3 posted 2001-11-01 12:33 PM

I'm liking the rewrite, yes, I am!

Logan
Senior Member

since 2001-05-28

Posts 1641
Arkansas

4 posted 2001-11-02 08:57 AM

Ahhh, gentle maid, very gentle smile...you soared with this one, your imagery is so clear and right for the piece..a very good job which I enjoyed very much, but, then, I expect to see that from you in my read..smile

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

5 posted 2001-11-02 09:56 AM

I like the rewrite..you expanded your thoughts and put some meat on the bones. Good poem.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

6 posted 2001-11-02 10:01 AM

Temptress,
An eternal story, enjoyed the rewrite.

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

7 posted 2001-11-03 12:46 PM

Powerful, full of wisdom and superb imagery throughout, Jennifer. Excellent!

Michael

Michael Auguste~
There is more depth to the heart than the mind can comprehend and it only has boundaries when we choose to fence it in.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

8 posted 2001-11-03 06:34 PM

(tears fall down my cheeks) This is so so depressing but filled with hope too! (sad sigh) My heart cries out to all those who are afflicted in war, and my heart goes out to them all! (big hugggsssssss) BRAVO!!! I LOVE THEM BOTH SO VERY MUCH!!! (kiss on cheek) You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jennifer, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

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