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Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

0 posted 2001-09-17 11:41 PM

A feeling of peace settles o'er the land
The sun is sinking low
Breezes soft caress her skin
Clouds radiantly glow.
She looks up at the sunset
So colorful and bright
Knowing the late October day
Will soon turn into night.

But it is yet the evening
With clouds lavendar and pink
She walks outside to be alone
And in solitude can think.
It's been so long since that fateful day
So many years ago-
But since that time she's learned some things
That before she didn't know.

She glances up at the soft purple sky
And sees one star so bright.
Once again, she remembers him
And knows she has seen him this night.
Whenever anyone needs him,
Look up and search the sky
For he lives among the stars now
And never will he die.

(This really happened.)

Photo from www.webshots.com

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2001-09-18 12:42 PM

She glances up at the soft purple sky
And sees one star so bright.
Once again, she remembers him
And knows she has seen him this night.
Whenever anyone needs him,
Look up and search the sky
For he lives among the stars now
And never will he die.
==================================
oh you KNOW I love this......
and Im soooo happy to see you posting...
this is lovely...and I know the peace found
in this realization and release....
so many times now, my emerald star guides me...
very well done poetess Elizabeth

Well I looked to the sky for my anthem
The words and the music came through
But words and music can never touch
The beauty that I've seen in you

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

2 posted 2001-09-18 12:47 PM

Im back

I wanted to share this with you....
Lauren/Greeneyes shared this verse with me
and to do it justice it should be passed on...
by coincidence...I had just gifted it on another thread today... and it belongs here
with your beautiful poem ...
enjoy ........

~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though my soul may sit in darkness,
It will arise in perfect light.
For I have loved the stars much too fondly
To be fearful of the night".

(author unknown)

Well I looked to the sky for my anthem
The words and the music came through
But words and music can never touch
The beauty that I've seen in you

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2001-09-18 05:38 AM

Beautiful Elizabeth ... you've captured a lovely sense of warmth and heart in this piece. Much enjoyed.

Best wishes,
/Kit

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

4 posted 2001-09-18 08:09 AM

"He lives among the stars now
And never will he die"

Lovely words, Elizabeth..

Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

5 posted 2001-09-18 04:23 PM

Janet, thank you for reading. I'm glad this piece touched you-and I loved the verse you shared with me. Thank you.

Kit-that's just what I was trying to convey. Thanks.

Nan-thank you as well.

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

6 posted 2001-09-21 11:17 PM

Hm, nice poem Elizabeth. I have some critiques (as you requested

).

You could put iambic meter into this. It could be written as it seems to read aloud, but isn't really easily done... the flow, I mean, could be aided by some more iambs.

A feeling of peace settles o'er the land
The sun is sinking low

could be revised to be metrical.

A feel of peace falls o'er the land
The sun is sinking low

or something like that.  Try to stick with that scheme, it will aid the flow of this particular poem.  Reword a few things so even if they don't follow it as a rule, it still is used as a guideline and can be read aloud to that similar rhythm.

As for the content, I felt there were one too many cliches... just personally.  Such as "ever since that fateful day" or how the day "will soon turn into night."  Those just seemed a tad cliche to me.

I like what you are expressing here, and there is some very good consonance that I noticed (the sun is sinking low, for example) that really helps this one to sound good.  Overall it's a nice poem but two things that I would work on is your wording (make it more original and unique, perhaps) and your flow.  My suggestion is iambic meter, it will not only help your flow but it could even lend a hand with thinking of some rewordings.

If you decide to take these, nice, I feel important.  If you ignore my advice then hey, you still have a nice poem.

Yours,
~Allan

They call me a madman, but I'm not mad at anyone.
~ Cat Rapes Dog, "Aquarius"

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

7 posted 2001-09-22 12:06 PM

Elizabeth,
Such a lovely poem. I have never lost anyone close. But I will add this poem to my collection. I'm fast appproaching the age I'm sure I'll need. What wonderful comfort you have provided. I have a friend already to share it with.
Larry C

BSC

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-02-04

Posts 2919
New York, USA

8 posted 2001-09-22 09:24 PM

Such a beautiful write Elizabeth ~ giving many comforting thoughts....Thank you... Bonnie

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

9 posted 2001-09-22 10:00 PM

This is very lovely, Elizabeth. Beautifully expressed!

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

10 posted 2001-09-23 06:21 PM

Enjoyed the feelings within this poem...James

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

11 posted 2001-09-23 09:02 PM

Elizabeth, this is lovely. Very well spoken indeed.

~I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before~

Dulcinea
Senior Member

since 2001-07-22

Posts 774
IN

12 posted 2001-09-24 09:54 AM

It is always hard to find that final moment of release, and accept the peace that finally comes. I am so glad you have found your moment sitting among the light of the stars! Beautifully expressed Elizabeth!

DreamRomancer
Junior Member

since 2001-09-18

Posts 46
Ohio, United States

13 posted 2001-09-24 05:40 PM

A tranquil calm has settled over my heart and I shall forever enjoy the stars much more than I already do. For I know that each one now stands for a special someone shining down on us all. Great write!

With my pen I shall create,
With my mind I shall explore,
With my strength I shall endure,
With my poetry I shall have legacy.

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-09-23

Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown

14 posted 2001-09-25 08:43 AM

I really like this. This is really good.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

15 posted 2001-10-08 08:49 PM

Ahh Elizabeth, this is quite calming and enchanting!

Wonderful write hon

Maree

The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member

since 2001-10-03

Posts 818
USA

16 posted 2001-10-08 10:56 PM

Oh, Elizabeth, this moved me beyond words.
Thank you for presenting this gem!

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