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Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

0 posted 2001-09-10 08:27 PM

Never Go Away

If a smile is all I offer,
if a kind word’s my only gift,
if nothing else is strong enough,
will they your spirits lift?

If just my gentle hand to hold,
if just one simple kiss to give,
if something else to wake the beauty
that once again should live.

If today could last forever,
if tomorrow would come today,
if the knowledge that you’ll never,
ever, go away....

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2001-09-10 08:34 PM

this is nice

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-09-10 08:36 PM

Hey Topheth, first of all I'm going to let you know that regardless of my critiques I did enjoy the poem. But you have that flag up, and that's catnip for me.

"If a smile is all I offer,
if a kind word’s my only gift,
if nothing else is strong enough,
will they your spirits lift?"

I like this opening for the most part, but I think the second one has a bit of an iffy flow on it, and the last line shouldn't be phrased in quite that manner... it makes it seem like you tried a bit too hard to rhyme.  I'd reword the last line and try to add some meter to the second one.  This would give it a far better flow.

"If just my gentle hand to hold,
if just one simple kiss to give,
if something else to wake the beauty
that once again should live."

This is a good stanza, I can't say much about it except that the second line should be shorter.  I'd crop out the word "simple" and see how it sounds.

"If today could last forever,
if tomorrow would come today,
if the knowledge that you’ll never,
ever, go away...."

I don't understand the last line exactly... "if the knowledge that you'll never, ever go away...?"  It didn't exactly come off as a sense-making sentence.

I like the theme of this poem and the content of it, but I think the structure is all you will want to look at.  Keep posting, nice work on this one.
Yours,
~Allan

They call me a madman, but I'm not mad at anyone.
~ Cat Rapes Dog, "Aquarius"

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

3 posted 2001-09-10 08:42 PM

I know a smile or a kind word would lift my spirits, just as your poem has. Thankyou.Chris

Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away.

Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

4 posted 2001-09-10 08:48 PM

Thank you, Allan. Enjoyed the critique, was very informative. I'll take it all to heart and see if I can improve.

If my smile is all I offer
or just the gift of one kind word,
if nothing else is strong enough,
will even it be heard?

If my gentle hand to hold,
if just one kiss to give,
if something else to wake the beauty
that once again should live.

And if this day would last forever,
or if tomorrow came today,
if only knowledge that you’d never
ever go away....”

[This message has been edited by Topheth (edited 09-10-2001).]

Alan
Senior Member

since 2000-09-12

Posts 1499
right next door

5 posted 2001-09-10 08:51 PM

I agree with nightshade.a smile does lift my spirit..this has everything to lift a spirit..the flow may be off a little but it still is a good read.
alan

Corinne
Member Ascendant

since 1999-10-28

Posts 5167
state of confusion

6 posted 2001-09-10 09:11 PM

Lovely.

Corinne

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

7 posted 2001-09-10 09:16 PM

I think it's fine how it is

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

8 posted 2001-09-10 09:32 PM

Ah, I like the revision a great deal more... it is a lot smoother to read through, and I do prefer your revision of the first stanza especially. However it still trails off somewhat at the end... if this is what you intended to do at the end, then that's understandable and you did well on it. However I'd be curious to see this expanded with a more complete conclusion to it. It feels like an additional stanza would be welcome.

Sorry for being such a critique machine, but hey, just trying to help a bit. Love the write.
Keep posting.
~Allan

They call me a madman, but I'm not mad at anyone.
~ Cat Rapes Dog, "Aquarius"

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 09-10-2001).]

Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

9 posted 2001-09-10 09:38 PM

Again, thank you Allan. It is somewhat my intent to trail it off at the end... I mean, they aren't even complete sentences, just one if after another.

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