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Open Poetry #15
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Comatose Pride Day
| Open Poetry #15 |
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Comatose Pride Day |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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Comatose Pride Day a shiver felled a leaf about a vine, its line a knot a lemming in a treetop bed that cowered on his spot you are the shrill and shrewd device that hinders our repose in life, the winter bears a sun the summer never snows come march with we, the comatose the future on a cliff come dive into the river skin by bone, by bone, we drift what makes you shake, my little one what makes you stir and cry? your fur is black with nervous sweat so meet the river's eye he flows with promise, helping hands the comotose to bed our turns are done in single file into the land of dead come drink with we, the comatose the sip of dying wine our love will flash before your eyes we are your concubine the river treck our glory path the gravity of truth each step you take a jabbing knife the slaughter of your youth the bats will syphon at you you are but a plasma sponge our time is now upon us let us take the fatal plunge come dive with we, the comatose the living proud to fall a currents sweeps our sins away the rapids bear the pall our worries are so measly for in death we cannot fail you'll gasp a breath of river air and braindead, we'll prevail |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
RosePetal
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
what makes you shake, my little one what makes you stir and cry? your fur is black with nervous sweat so meet the river's eye I like this stanza a lot!! Good flow to your poem. : ) <3 RosePetal |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
I like the same stanza as Rosepetal too.... Beautiful penned....like it a lot. Charisma |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Allan--been awhile, eh? Loved everything about this one!!!! Even the title is thought provoking and witty--the metaphor is one that I once tried and failed woefully to illustrate too. The construction is admirable, as is the poet my friend. *shaking my head and smiling*---"comatose pride day" ---this one is going to stick with me awhile.  |
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cpalmer Senior Member
since 2001-06-26
Posts 977Phoenix, Az |
Allan, Good to see you here! Need to see you more often, my poet friend! I love the flow! I just love all of it...it's nice to see this type of writing and very though provoking! Good work! Hugs Cindi |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Allan, now this is what I'm talking about. . . this is the kind of writing that makes you stand up and take notice. . . the kind of writing that makes you think. . . the flow is great. . . your word choices are excellent. . . and the image of the Comatose leading the parade is right on. . . great job. . . ----------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Allan~ Deep delving ... enjoyed each morsel~ From start- 'a shiver felled a leaf about a vine, its line a knot a lemming in a treetop bed that cowered on his spot' To finish- 'our worries are so measly for in death we cannot fail you'll gasp a breath of river air and braindead, we'll prevail' Compelling ..... ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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