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Open Poetry #15
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VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-08-29 01:30 AM




I Could Be

In my heart I could be weeping
I’ve done it many times before
I could let my heart be steeping
in the turmoil of that door
the one that closed behind you
as you turned and looked away
taking with you all your vision
and your promise that you’d stay

Yet, I'll not suffer another salty drop
I won't ooze one more pain
no longer will I let you
fill my hours with the rain
your words that would echo
as if within a cymbal’s clang
have now ceased, become a dribble
and shall never stir to ring

© August 28, 2001


do you think "again" would work better in lieu of "to ring" at the end?

© Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved
Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

1 posted 2001-08-29 01:35 AM


Yes, I think it would bring a true finality to it...both poetically and realistically.  Loved this, VAS.
wandering glider
Senior Member
since 2001-04-04
Posts 501
aloft
2 posted 2001-08-29 01:42 AM


"I could let my heart be steeping
in the turmoil of that door"

I like these lines.

I think the second stanza needs some work.  The first has a nice rhythm that the second lacks.  But I'd have to think about that if I were to suggest something.
      

       \\
~=====}:
       //

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
3 posted 2001-08-29 08:36 AM


a comment on another board indicated that the poem was complete with the first stanza and the second was unnecessary since it didn't add anything and the flow wasn't up to the first's.
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