I Could Be - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Open Poetry #15

I Could Be

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-08-29 01:30 AM

I Could Be

In my heart I could be weeping
I’ve done it many times before
I could let my heart be steeping
in the turmoil of that door
the one that closed behind you
as you turned and looked away
taking with you all your vision
and your promise that you’d stay

Yet, I'll not suffer another salty drop
I won't ooze one more pain
no longer will I let you
fill my hours with the rain
your words that would echo
as if within a cymbal’s clang
have now ceased, become a dribble
and shall never stir to ring

© August 28, 2001

do you think "again" would work better in lieu of "to ring" at the end?

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

1 posted 2001-08-29 01:35 AM

Yes, I think it would bring a true finality to it...both poetically and realistically. Loved this, VAS.

wandering glider
Senior Member

since 2001-04-04

Posts 501
aloft

2 posted 2001-08-29 01:42 AM

"I could let my heart be steeping
in the turmoil of that door"

I like these lines.

I think the second stanza needs some work. The first has a nice rhythm that the second lacks. But I'd have to think about that if I were to suggest something.

\\
~=====}:
//

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

3 posted 2001-08-29 08:36 AM

a comment on another board indicated that the poem was complete with the first stanza and the second was unnecessary since it didn't add anything and the flow wasn't up to the first's.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.