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Open Poetry #15
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Parched Morn
| Open Poetry #15 |
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Parched Morn |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Fifteen minutes granted--fame walk the coals rebuke the flame as I cross the fiery plane... I tell you, I'll not be the same... Every step I place in sand, is wet imprint of understand, and every tear I cry within I'll dare to cry without again... and three times fold the ancient's told... of all you wish should be returned... and all my gold it shall be sold... purchase price of heart unlearned... No. It can't be done again. (remembered whisper in the wind...) I remember kiss on neck while counting every single breath and each touch of your tongue was dew... My parched morn...remembering you. whisper, whisper, tell me sweet, and damn the sun that makes dreams leave... (repost from Open #12) |
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| © Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
I like it generally, As usual good images presented, but I think the flow could be improved Every step placed in the sand A wet imprint to understand, Every tear cried from within I’ll dare to cry without again, Three times fold the ancient's told of all you wish should be returned, all my gold shall be sold, purchase price of heart unlearned, just my humble opinion, by meager example. Gloom |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks PG---I WELCOME critique--and thought I should rework this before repost. As most who know me know--I generally write straight to keys and probably too fast--So I will mark this one with a "work again" notation--in fact was thinking of incorporating this with another. I appreciate the input...and never apologize for critique...you weren't being mean and had valid reasons for stating your opinion, so I thank you.  |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Fifteen minutes granted--fame walk the coals rebuke the flame as I cross the fiery plane... I tell you, I'll not be the same..." Reading this outloud I wanted to hear: firey plane... I will never be the same I guess b/c I thought the poem itself is a telling and no one need be mentioned... don't know why that just struck me, wanted to offer it ....this is good, feels good to write doesn't it? It has a healing effect. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I remember kiss on neck while counting every single breath and each touch of your tongue was dew... My parched morn...remembering you. Sure do wish I had written this, I will settle for saving it. |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Yanno I hate to be a little copy cat but I have to agree with Duncan, I loved those lines and wish I had the ability to write like that, so will be content just to know you, and save your work with love. x o If you have but one true friend when you die you were truly blessed. |
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