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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2001-08-20 04:58 AM

Warmly cold
and zealous intervals wash over my heart
leaving me to meet the drops of rain
with tears that just don't want to run.
Rain
Run
Tears
Slip quietly
and I fall.
Ground
apologizing heart on knees
grain grinding into skin.
It doesn't hurt
but aches
and grab a fistful of sand each time
letting it crawl through my fingers
to the ground again.
This alieviates my attention,
from fear.
Dreaming again
for years now
just dreaming
aching
And its not your fault.
I love you.

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

1 posted 2001-08-20 06:18 AM

Warmly Cold
That’s good, the opposites combined
I liked you writing here, it sorta suits my mood,
Although ,

Rain
Run
Tears
Slip quietly
and I fall.
Ground

Might be written

Rain
Ruin
Run
Tears
Slip quietly
and I fall.
Grounded

playing the words in transition
and Grounded just ‘cause it sounds a touch better to me.
The only other comment might be a Line break
Before the last line,
To set it apart

Enjoyable read

Gloom

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

2 posted 2001-08-20 08:05 AM

Nice job with your imagery, Jenn... Miss Freeverse strikes again.. and does it well..

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

3 posted 2001-08-20 01:53 PM

is there a difference between a hurt and an ache?? hmmmm. . .

well done. . . there's a lot of emotion here. . . the form is excellent as well. . .

------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Logan
Senior Member

since 2001-05-28

Posts 1641
Arkansas

4 posted 2001-08-20 03:11 PM

Ahhh gentle maid, very stark with the realism of the moment..imagery is wonderful, but then, when are your words not? very tender gentle smile

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

5 posted 2001-08-20 03:36 PM

You do these so well. I felt this.

http://members.home.net/excalibur2501/interloper.htm

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

6 posted 2001-08-20 03:46 PM

intense throbbing of the heart jenn...(i am happy to see you here though) hugs...helen

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

7 posted 2001-08-20 04:40 PM

Oh my, Jennifer. VERY nice.

Michael

Michael Auguste~
There is more depth to the heart than the mind can comprehend and it only has boundaries when we choose to fence it in.

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