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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2001-07-31 07:17 PM

There is a lofty stare
Above my shell
Where time looks on
To the place I dwell.

I'm minutes frayed
and thoughts on tap
gushing forward
In life I'm wrapped

There is a skin
that taunts my will.
beneath my surface
is a cowering skill.

It hides there now
in meager fashion
completely caged
A force in passion.

What severed deception
sinks this skill?
but words on tap
That just won't spill.

When fingers sell
a subtle ache
words press on
control they take.

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

1 posted 2001-07-31 07:19 PM

and my pen just can't seem to get them out fast enough!!

I like this one. . . the rhythm is a bit rough in some places. . . but, I don't know what you could do to fix it. . . hmmmmmmmm. . . I'll come back to you. . .

---------------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-07-31 07:24 PM

There is a lofty stare
Above my shell
Where time looks on
To the place I dwell.

I'm minutes frayed
and thoughts on tap
gushing forward
In life I'm wrapped

There is a skin
that taunts my will.
beneath my surface
is a cowering skill.

It hides there now
in meager fashion
completely caged
A force in passion.

What severed deception
sinks this skill?
but words on tap
That just won't spill.

When fingers sell
a subtle ache
words press on
control they take.

well, very effective, Jenn, very effective and Sven is right, maybe a little tightening up but wow, those lines!

" I walked beside the evening sea And dreamed a dream that could not be" George William Curtis"

Kathleen

JLR
Senior Member

since 2001-02-04

Posts 1785

3 posted 2001-07-31 07:49 PM

I'm minutes frayed
and thoughts on tap
gushing forward
In life I'm wrapped

Great expression, Jen!

Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

4 posted 2001-07-31 07:54 PM

Jenn, I love your expression in this!

As for the flow, it flows almost perfectly (since the others suggested that in the first place, I thought I'd add my two cents). But, this is one powerful piece, I relate~

Take care,
Melissa~

Logan
Senior Member

since 2001-05-28

Posts 1641
Arkansas

5 posted 2001-07-31 08:03 PM

beneath my surface
is a cowering skill.

There is nothing cowering about you, gentle maid..and your skills are well known to be true..in fact, your writing soars with the gulls over the sparkling waters..swooping and climbing with such ease...very gentle smile

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

6 posted 2001-08-01 12:24 PM

Well if this is a sample of your cowering skill, can't wait until you think are are "even okay". Well I know this is just poetry and your expression Jenn, and you expressed the feelings of a poet so well in this one.

~To see real beauty you must look with your heart~
~* Mysteria *~

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

7 posted 2001-08-17 08:52 PM

Oh, I like the sound of this!

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

8 posted 2001-08-18 10:41 AM

Wonderful Jenn! Beautiful rhythm and flow within this verse ... you've captured a feeling I've known too well, much enjoyed!

Best wishes,
/Kit

shadow of the fall
Member

since 2001-08-13

Posts 83
Indiana

9 posted 2001-08-19 02:44 AM

it makes me feel driven to write something!

Karen

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