lingering darkness - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

0 posted 2001-08-17 05:02 AM

hey all i haven't posted in awhile. been a bit busy. hopefully i'm back now...eh this is something i wrote while i was bored in Chicago. thanks for reading it, and answer honestly. even if you really hate it. thanks again.
-fear-

my reason for living is gone.
i have nothing more to gain.
all that once filled my life with joy,
now seems to only bring me pain.
the tears fall,
freely down my face.
god, it feels as though,
small pieces of my soul,
are slowly leaking out,
through bruised hateful eyes,
that see the worst in everyone's souls,
including my own.
the darkness that lingers there,
scares most people away.
so i guess that is why i'm here.
all alone,
dying from my pain.

-fear-

i'm a penguin! i'm a penguin! i'm a cute lil penguiiiin! i'm a penguin i'm a penguin! i eat FISH!--tis the pretty penguin song

[This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (edited 08-17-2001).]

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2001-08-17 11:38 AM

This is definitely a sad piece but one thing that really annoys the hell out of me is when someone starts out with a rhyme in their piece then doesn't follow it through! Either don't start with a rhyme or follow it through. It will result in my hair staying on my head instead of in my hands.

There were some good thoughts in this. It's good to see you back. I hope to see you replying again soon with more posts as well.

~AF~

I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout. *toot toot*

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

2 posted 2001-08-17 11:58 AM

This was a very nice piece. It showed a lot of emotion. I also noticed the rhyme scheme. I would suggest that you either try to take out the rhyme, or make it rhyme throughout. I think it is powerful enough to work without rhyme, so that is what I would suggest. You could lose some of that emotion if you try ot make it rhyme.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

3 posted 2001-08-17 07:01 PM

Hmmm....
the poem itself, the idea- I liked.
But I agree with my fellow PIPers...and *I* personally think you should follow through with the rhyme scheme you began with...Don't change it to free-verse. It was flowing much better at the top.

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-08-20 10:46 PM

"the darkness that lingers there,
scares most people away.
so i guess that is why i'm here.
all alone,
dying from my pain."
This is such a sad piece.  Almost mirrors thoughts I used to have.  *hugs*  It sounds like you're going to very trying times.  I hope all is well, and you're not considering engaging in any destructive behaviors...
As for the poem, it is very well written.  To be honest, I didn't notice the abadoned rhyme scheme.  I think it's fine as it is.  If you want to change it, change it.  Otherwise, I don't think it makes a difference.
Nicely done, bergundy.  I'm glad to see that you're back from a busy summer.  Let's hope it stays that way.. I hope to see more soon.

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.