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Teen Poetry #5
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I don't
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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I don't |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC 
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I don’t need your validation Your fickle hand pat on my back I don’t need that intimidation When next week you’ll be on attack I don’t need your disruption A phone call to say you care I can’t stand this corruption Deceit and lies I cannot bare I don’t want your sympathy No need for a shoulder to cry on I can’t stand your empathy Your heart, I can’t rely on I didn’t ask for your compassion I don’t need a hand to hold I don’t want to feel your passion Actions without feelings tend to grow old I don’t want to live my life knowing you’re still there I don’t want to lie to you and pretend that I still care I didn’t want to be hurt, all that time ago I don’t want to feel this pain, it goes away so slow I don’t want to take another chance and let you back again I don’t want to let you break me down, don’t want to let you win I don’t want to know about anything you do I don’t want your love and I don’t want you I don’t "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jon - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
sweet poem, K. good to see a familar face around here. Seems like everyone is leaving. Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Yeah, everyone's going. You better stay Allysa or else...  "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Or else what? You'll lock me in my room and force me to watch Vanilla Ice videos all day? That'd be pure torture. Anyways, I'm not planing on leaving anytime soon. I guess it'll just be me and you here when it comes down to it. Then we can watch those crummy Vanilla Ice videos together! I think the men in white coats are gonna come and take me away soon. i'll take the computer with me though.  Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The word 'I' was what really annoyed the hell out of me in the end. Now I'll do it - I found it to be excessively overused to the point where I lost interest. Not exactly the best from you but nonetheless, at least you are posting still. Thanks for sharing. ~AF~ I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout. *toot toot* |
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ryun Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33elsinore, ca, usa |
the "I" in the poem gives it more emphasis like a stong feeling to it.. goes along with the meaning to.. it could have a differen't style but then it wouldn't be your style ya know, any way it's a tight poem..very stong! |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Perhaps "i" was over-used...But I really wasn't looking...The MEANING is what I liked about it. Very nice write. I know how ya feel here. You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
"I" have to agree with AF on this... It's very difficult to get into a piece which is so personel and using all those "I"'s made it difficult for me at least to really emphathise here |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Haha @ Zu. The word "I" was very overused throughout. Especially down witht he "I don't want"'s that was particularly annoying. A lot of repition was here that wasn't needed. I think you could go back and change a few things here. Nice work, though. I did enjoye this. --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
I can see how maybe the end was building momentum. I'd recommend a little variation in the last line to kinda break the rhythm and jolt the reader. Otherwise strong poem "and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
no i actually think that the use of "i" was great in this..it sorta pointed back at the poet...kinda like they were being selfish were once they didnt have the chance to be. i liked the last "i dont" in it though! i thought that that was a great finish...like spice i loved the content..thanks for sharing jon! "Kiss my Starfish! |
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