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Teen Poetry #5
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Frozen Sunset
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Frozen Sunset |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
*Work in progress, constructive critisim would be helpful* I see a frozen sunset, Strung across the sky. Weaving through the fog and dew, The mist-filled mucky sky. Shadows sweep playfully, Across valleys wide and deep. And as the winter says goodnight, The earth is left to sleep. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alex - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
Allie!...i REALLY like it so far...your symbolism was quite well done...the imagery was nice as well...cant wait to see the finished piece  im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
*what do you think anonymous albert?* I see a frozen sunset, Laid out across the sky. Hiding among the fog and dew, And the mist filled muky sky. Shadows sweep playfully, Across valleys wide and deep. And as the sunset melts and falls, Darkness settles in. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
OOooo I REALLY liked the imagery used her. you did an OUTSTANDING job on that. Now- I liked the first one. I think you should use the 2nd to last line in the sendong poem inplace of the 2nd to last line in the 1st poem though...I really liked that line. HeHeHe... Anyway- Off I go. Nice read!!! |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is a well written poem. The imagery is wonderful, and I'm excited about seeing a finished product. I have one critique that might help, though. First of all, I liked the second revised version better. I think a lot can be added onto this poem, though. I think that if you made this one stanza in a poem of four, using the same imagery in the other stanzas, this would be a kick butt poem. I liked the fact that you took out the rhyme scheme you had going. THis poem sounds a lot better free verse. However, the first four lines read: "I see a frozen sunset, Laid out across the sky. Hiding among the fog and dew, And the mist filled muky sky." The way you used "sky" twice is misleading. It makes the reader think there might be a rhyme scheme in the poem. I think that you might want to change the second time you used "sky" to something different, make it more dramatic. The second time you say "sky" it takes away from the first time you said it. I think what you have going is very good. Keep us posted with the progress, and definitely share with us the final product Nicely done, allie!! --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I loved the poem.....I think you should have the 2nd verse of the 2nd one in the final version and the last line of the 1st one.... Anyhow, the poem simply rocked. Wonderful job.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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fairy girl Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 10*~*Virginia*~* |
Hey, i liked this. I enjoy sun sets, its my favorite time of the day, and thats probably why I liked your poem.  thanks for the read. *~fairy~**~We do not love because we are afriad of giving ourselves to someone we might lose-Morrie from Tuesdays with Morrie~* |
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CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
I liked this one. Sounds like it's going to be good... I agree, the first was the one that I liked better. Anyway, I though you did a good job. - Cody - |
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