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Teen Poetry #5
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Yearning To...
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Yearning To... |
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Evylyn Junior Member
since 2001-06-04
Posts 20Florida, USA |
Okay, I changed the rhyme scheme a bit on a couple stanzas just to throw you off... Yearning To... Break down the doors Break down the walls Stop the incessant cat calls. Stop the hurt Halt the pain Be listened to once again. Feel the wind Experience the magick Let the old wounds mend. Be devoted to one On the physical plane And keep myself sane. Become unensnared Become more wise And please those who really care. Drop the facade Jump the gun Not care a flip about fashion. Quit being afraid Maintain my dignity Face my inner monsters with more certainty. Be straight-forward Be more bold And bust out of this mold. Create my fate Create my destiny Stop! And give myself praise. "The only thing that boggles the mind is the mind itself." |
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| © Copyright 2002 Aurora Brightwater - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Smiles and Cries Junior Member
since 2002-08-23
Posts 16Newrk De |
I liked the general idea, and i know u changed up patterns on purpouse but i still cant stand inconsistency...overall it was pretty good though Have u ever Loved somebody so much it makes u cry? Have u ever needed something so bad u cant sleep at night? Have u ever tried to find the words but |
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punkrockerrobin 
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
hey great read tks for sharin hope to see more! you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Booya! This rocked. I think the change was beneficial...it kept the poem from seeming forced and mechanical. It's nice to see you, stranger...  ~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
hrm, too much trouble to point out my -fav- stanzas, but there were several. and i agree with mz carlay. i liked the break up of it. it would be too lilting i think if it all just flowed and rhymed perfectly. .. i think we all yearn for these things at some point, maybe forever. if you yearn to come to al tho, you know where to find me. *wiggle* wub you! tiff “A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
I'm back~ This place got really quiet... Oo;; I remember that there used to be twenty or so replies to any poem that was anywhere near this good. ^_~ *teases* There was also more than 10 replies to everything else... of course, I never got any more than six or seven or so replies... *considers rephrasing that* ... hehe ^^ Don't mind me... just dropping by and saw that you had a poem on Day 1... and so I decided it might be fun to reply to it. ^^ Anyway, I haven't read very much of your work, but from the pieces that I do remember (there's about two, not including this one), coupled with this one, there's a sense of realism to it all that sort of makes you pause and say to yourself, "Hey... that'd be an interesting way to live life." However, at the same time, you read a lot of hesitation in the lines that you write. Then, you read the title and the "doh!" effect kicks in and you sort of toss guesses as to what this poem is trying to say. As for the form of the poem... at first glance, you might think this was a poem that happened to rhyme in some places, but then after reading it a second time and letting the words and the title blend together, coupled with your introduction to the poem, you realize that the opposite is actually the case: it's a poem that rhymes, but happens not to rhyme in some stanzas... or better yet, a poem that naturally rhymes, but tries to be free. In this way, the poem feels as though it's being restrained... with the words that are written in the poem, it takes on an entirely new flavor. On a symbolic level, as mentioned before, it's a rhymed verse poem that yearns to be free. ^^ Which, in of itself, is relatively cute... but at the same time, it makes all of the words and all of the suggestions seem completely helpless. As if that's all it is: a yearning, and a yearning that can't be realized. In this way, the poem echoes desperately, and it's as if the writer, more than anything else, is yearning to be completely "free" and perhaps, at some level, have all their yearning and all their wishing be heard. And, it is in this sense, and perhaps this sense alone, which makes me step back from your poem and say... "Dear heavenly goddess, this was a masterpiece" rather than filing it away with all of the other poems which try to say the same things. This was a beautiful write. ^^ Much appreciation for sharing... and thanks to Tiffany for dragging this to Day 1 so that I would have the pleasure of reading it on my first day back here at Passions. ^_^ Best wishes to everyone. ^^ May you continue posting, eh? If the rest are even half this good, I would be most satisfied. ^_^v Until next time... - holatuwol |
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