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Teen Poetry #5
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Think you've got problems
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Think you've got problems |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA 
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Listen im not a selfish person but I can only take stuff to an extent..cannot stand ppl who are woe is me..life isn't going all that great all I can say it can be worse... Think you've got Problems When you come home at night Alone, crying When someone out there Is dying In a choke hold In a loving home Child gone mad Trying to run out that window Think you've got Problems When you don't have a job Or you're friends don't give you The time of day When a mother Can not breathe Her son on a rampage Father trying to save her As the police come knocking on the door Think you've got problems!? It can only get worse Trust me... So next time You want to feel selfish Think of whats going on around you In the background You'll get over it... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kristen Brandon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
Well, I like the idea. For some reason, I like the first half of the poem better than the second. I really do not know why, though. But either way, not a bad write! Reads very strong in the mind. ~Sky |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
You start off with this so well but the strength seems to disipate towards the last 8 or so lines. You had a fantastic rhyme running through it until, once again, the last 8 or so lines. Excellent choice of topic but I'd suggest a revision just to fix up a few parts of it. Other than that, thanks a lot for the read.  ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Woah! What guts to say that! Great job!! (I left the critiquing to the others) |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
The beginning really grabbed me, but the end lacked, I don't know, strength? It could have been slightly better. I, too, hate it when people are like "my life sucks... blah blah blah" because I have one friend who once told me that she was depressed because some kid at her church that she didn't even know picked their nose. That personally makes no sense to me. I mean, yeah, it's disgusting, but it's nothing to get "depressed" about. Anyways, good write. I've never seen you on the streets of this town, I've never seen you just hanging around, But you still tell me that you know me... ~Justin Sane |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I thought this poem was well written I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go All I need is just to hear a song I know [This message has been edited by Kevin (08-19-2002 09:20 AM).] |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I liked this because of your straightforward honesty. You didn't try to sugarcoat anything here, and that made the piece very strong. I definitely understand where you're coming from here, because I know many people who constantly complain about such petty problems. It's frustrating when I find myself often wanting to scream, "Open up your eyes!! Look around you!! You are SO lucky!!". At the same time, I try to understand that to one person, their problems could be the most enormous struggle they've ever endured. Anyways, I'm definitely getting off topic and just rambling now. I enjoyed this post! Always, Nikki *~Fighting for your love~* |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Heh, I liked this. Very biting..but they're right, it -does- lose some strength near the end...I think it's because you left your original "paint the picture" style and fell into the "this is what i'm saying" sort of thing. It's still a good reminder, though. Just remember that sometimes the background can suck you in just as badly as your own selfishness can. (Ok Carly, enough preaching of mediums...) Keep writing. ~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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dj29 Junior Member
since 2002-08-19
Posts 13Florida |
Very Good Poem I loved your honesty and your ability to be frank. Hope to read more. Dj29 |
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