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clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

0 posted 2002-08-14 09:40 PM

You whisper
our hearts beat as one,
playing the same sad love song
where the lovers finally meet
but die of fractured hearts.

And I know you expect
some sultry phrase
about silken kisses
under cloudless nights:

but I am sorry dear,
I do not love in clichés.

*I am taking title suggestions, having a bit of a problem coming up with one.*

Casey

If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see...

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

1 posted 2002-08-14 10:13 PM

mmm...short poetry... something i love. No titles are coming to my mind at this time... I will think still though.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

2 posted 2002-08-14 10:19 PM

How about, "Anti-Shakespeare"? Or something rather biting in that manner. I liked this, I'm in love with short poetry, my attention span is low right now.

I won't tell you that I relate, because I really don't. And I'm not so wonderful at critiquing, I'm too into emotional poetry for that; feelings are prime for me. But, I liked the way you did this.

Jenn

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

3 posted 2002-08-14 10:51 PM

How about "love in cliches"? I loved the ending! Thanks for the read.

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

4 posted 2002-08-15 12:31 PM

This was awesome. I really really liked it. As for titles..I suck at thinking up titles so I'll be of no help there.

*~erin~*

"You say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."-Something Corporate

Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

5 posted 2002-08-15 02:34 AM

i loved this poem... the end made me smile and laugh (and feel a little silly because i think i've wished someone would whisper cliches to me in my weaker hours)but i loved it and i wouldnt change a thing... as for the title, i agree with "love in cliches" or something of that nature. Great job, thanks for the smile :-d

*We are the hero in our own story*

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

6 posted 2002-08-15 02:48 AM

hey,
well honestly i'm not against or for short poetry, just the content that matters i guess. i did like this though, the end is strong, and it made me smile. i agree with the others about the cliche type title.
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2002-08-15 06:11 PM

I disagree with your title suggestions.  I think it's really lazy to name a poem after the last few words of the poem.

This is a very good poem... I especially like the insights you provide, and the overall message.  The first stanza really caught me.

In the second stanza, I don't think the two middle lines should be separate lines at all.  One line kind of leads into the next too much... know what I mean?

I do like your title already but I see how it doesn't really do justice to the poem... short poems sometimes look nice with longer titles.  I can't think of one right now...

Good luck with that though.  I agree with retitling, but I disagree with resorting to the last few words.

Parasite

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-15-2002 06:13 PM).]

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

8 posted 2002-08-16 09:42 AM

Interesting Casey. You've gone into cliches yet deny loving in them. I'm loving that.

I'm no good at naming pieces so I'm afraid that you're on your own for that one. Best advice: don't think too hard on it. The greatest ones, like pieces, wake you from slumber.

Thanks for the read.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

9 posted 2002-08-17 12:28 PM

"And I know you expect
some sultry phrase
about silken kisses
under cloudless nights:"

I personally think that this is the best part of the entire poem. I don't know why, but it made me laugh. I actually felt like you were talking directly to the reader in this stanza, and I think it's great

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