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Giving free verse a try
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Giving free verse a try |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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* This is the first time I'm giving free verse a try. Be honest and ruthless.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ode to Memory The thread of Ariadne* is torn. The Atlantic spreads between us like a blanket, and lightning streaks, like crickets, disturb the silent sky. Alas, no mail is delivered here. The memory is limping on one leg through no man's land. Here, in the brackets of our hands, the candles burn from both ends at one time, and looking back, one sees a loyal hound, whose eyes still glisten from the salty tears. And as the curtains fall onto the stage, where actors sleep in the eternal rest, the standing audience applauds with passion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ariadne: in Greek mythology, Cretan princess. She loved Theseus , and gave him the skein of thread that enabled him to make his way out of the labyrinth after killing the Minotaur. When Theseus left Crete, Ariadne went with him, but before they reached Greece, he abandoned her at Naxos. It was said that Zeus granted Ariadne immortality. (from encyclopedia.com) Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-13-2002 08:41 PM).] |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
The thread of Ariadne is torn. The Atlantic spreads between us like a carpet, and lightning streaks, like crickets, disturb the silent sky. Alas, no mail is delivered here. The memory is limping on one leg through no man's land. Here, in the brackets of our hands, the candles burn from both ends at one time, and looking back, one sees a loyal hound, whose eyes still glisten from the salty tears. and as the curtains fall onto the stage, where actors sleep in the eternal rest, the standing audience applauds with outmost passion. You did an excellent job for your first time. I would only change the word "cricket" to something more disturbing to a quiet night sky. Something maybe like "fireworks". Just a little more dramatic than crickets since we are comparing the lightening to this. And I would change "with utmost passion" I'm not sure what I'd change it to. I just would. But that is just me. I was only making suggestions. The piece reads well the way it is. [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (08-13-2002 02:41 PM).] |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I see the russian influence on you master Im a terrible critiquer so the only thing I could find wrong with this was the capitalization at the end... but once again I have to sort of disagree with someone elses critique crickets parallels the adjective silent...and the disturbance is more antagonistic than disruptive at least that was my take on it peace |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
I am glad to see you are trying free verse, I find it funny that even your free verse is almost structured... ~Lisa |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hey bro  Don't know if you noticed, I just tried free verse myself, only recently. It's fun, isn't it? Makes you really work for the killer lines, because your formatting can't be a saving grace. Anyhow, here's the breakdown of my opinion... The Atlantic spreads between us like a blanket, and lightning streaks, like crickets, disturb the silent sky. Too many "likes." Don't want to make this all valley-girl. Like, totally. Try spacing your similies... stagger them at least more than a line apart, and preferably stick to only one per stanza. It reminds me of a novel I once read called "Obasan," by an author named Joy Kagawa, I think... every other line was similie... it just really overdid everything. Well, just my opinion. Find some other way of parallelling it with crickets. Resist the urge to jump into the obvious solution of metaphor. Consider doing away with it altogether. I'm with Kev on the crickets complimenting the tranquil setting. Nice selection. Alas, no mail is delivered here. This looks like something you'd see on a sign someplace, minus the alas. Or maybe just a really awesome sign. I don't think "Alas" goes with such a mundane, modernly-worded statement as "no mail is delivered here." You wouldn't see a street sign that says "Stop, ye dogs..." if you get my drift... The memory is limping on one leg through no man's land. "No man's land" tripped my cliche alarm. Here, in the brackets of our hands, the candles burn from both ends at one time, OK, cliche alarm is quite busy. candle burns from both ends? Give me a break, man, you can do far better than that. Free verse is supposed to flex your creative muscles. I have seen cliches used accurately, but free verse is too open-ended for it to be able to contain cliches... put yourself into this, not old over-used sayings. and looking back, one sees a loyal hound, whose eyes still glisten from the salty tears. No qualms with that. I like "salty tears." Nice sensory appeal there. And as the curtains fall onto the stage, where actors sleep in the eternal rest, the standing audience applauds with passion. I KNOW! It's really hard to hold back the "ands" at the start of lines when doing a narrative free-verse. But you can usually just drop it completely and the line sounds a lot better. Otherwise, a very strong ending. I'd reword "eternal rest," but that's just me. I think you're learning quite well for someone who's new to free verse. I liked reading this. So, it's harder than it looks... Parasite [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-14-2002 10:48 PM).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Hey LP, thanks for the critique. I agree with you on this one 100%. It's very tough to write good free verse. In reality, I don't think it's my style, so I'm still debating whether I want to work on this poem or just abandon it. I've always been a rhymer, and I think I'll stick to that. This was fun though, quite challenging. Thanks for reading! PS: As far as the candle burning from both ends, -- hangs head in shame. Thanks again |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Good to see you trying free verse. I'll get back to this poem, either in here or in email. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
You know the funny thing is that free verse comes entirely natural to me and it actually requires effort if I want to use any structure. I just think it's curious how different people can taste.. so many flavours... I do like structure sometimes because it adds a sense of.. elegance? hm... like pearls. Yes, pearls. I'm also glad to see you trying out free verse as it always is exciting to see people step out of their skin. I think you did great. I honestly don't know much about what poetry is supposed to be, but I know what sounds good to me. "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
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