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Teen Poetry #5
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Plans perfected
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Plans perfected |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
You just don’t understand- Everything is going to be perfect- See I have it all planned- And, really, I mean no disrespect- But… You just don’t fit the role I cast Auditions closed for Mr. Right And the way you strut in from my past Well-you’re not s’posed to be my Knight But… See you broke the mold, and broke my idea Now everything has fall’n to pieces I wanted safety you brought unknown fear- And when you’re close my heart increases But… What you didn’t understand- Is it was designed, I had it perfected- Then you came along and ruined the plan Suddenly abolished, everything infected But…. I think I’m in love with you And now where do we go Guess you didn’t see your plan through Counting on me saying no You know how usually you dislike the poems you write...(or maybe thats me)...well I really hate this one, I'm super self conscious about it. So make as many suggestions as you want, but try to sugar coat them a little..please, for my own sanity. If you do feel the harsh reality is good for me, then lay it on! ~Lisa [This message has been edited by LCBS (08-13-2002 11:17 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lisa Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
well, i don't think that you have to worry about this one, i liked it, I especially liked this line 'auditions for Mr Right are closed' anya |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
The rhyme scheme in this suited the content. More often than not, people get those two mixed up and produce a piece where you've got to raise eyebrows. The 'But...' was a nice addition to it as well. One thing that was slightly off-putting was the note at the start of the piece. You're better to put it at the end so the reader doesn't get distracted by your thoughts before they've had time to create their own. Thanks for the read.  ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
The rhyme was great and the "but" provided a slight break in the poem, which was definately good. It's almost like you can hear someone speaking this in your head and it's a great write, in my opinion. I've never seen you on the streets of this town, I've never seen you just hanging around, But you still tell me that you know me... ~Justin Sane |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I liked the style, but I think that at times, you settled for the easy rhyme and some of it seems forced. I think you should reconsider the lines, "my heart increases" and "everything infected." This has good potential, but it still needs work. Just my two cents. Check out my poetry here: |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Thanks guys-master I'll work on it! ~lisa |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
yeah you stole my line |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
great poem i really liked it hope to see more from you. tks for the read. robin you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, yeah i know how you feel about hating your own work, it happens to me a lot. i really did enjoy this though, the rhyme scheme being a little forced didn't change my opinion of it. the second stanza stood out as my particular favorite. good stuff. -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
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