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Teen Poetry #5
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Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

0 posted 2002-08-12 01:13 PM


Certain of Uncertainty
Cliché
But Hey
It works for me
To say
The way
This hurt in me
Exists
Amidst
My search to be
Someone’s
Someone
And everything
And only thing
This lonely thing
Is killing me
And filling me
With doubt inside

God knows I’ve tried
To be a man
To understand
Their needs inside
To hold
Confide
Abide and serve
And still some of them have the nerve
To step on me like I’m a ladder
Sadder than their own esteem
My fable’s curtain falls more daily
Lately love has been uncertain

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know

© Copyright 2002 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved
anya
Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393
London, UK
1 posted 2002-08-12 01:25 PM


'my search to be someones someone' I really like that line, in fact i like the whole poem, I thought it was well constructed and worked very well
anya

Jenn Cirrincione
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107
Fl
2 posted 2002-08-12 01:33 PM


Kudos to you, I like this.
Took me a minute to put this all together, but once it all connected, it flowed well.
Uniquely constructed.

Jenn

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut
3 posted 2002-08-12 03:11 PM


someday you will be someone's someone...and of this I am quite certain....

Great Job once again

~Lisa

*~p.r.i.n.c.e.s.s.~*
Junior Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 38

4 posted 2002-08-12 07:43 PM


Yep, love is uncertain, love sucks.....lol, sorry, in a cranky mood over here. anyways, good job. i like.
~*~Britt~*~

StellarChica
Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207
floating down a river...
5 posted 2002-08-12 08:09 PM


I liked this very much. I liked the rhyme scheme you have going. Good job!

*~erin~*

"You say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."-Something Corporate

paper doll
Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty
6 posted 2002-08-13 04:59 AM


This all flowed together very nicely, Kevin. The intricate rhyme scheme made it a lot more dramatic. More so than your average love poem.

You've done well, I enjoyed it.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
7 posted 2002-08-13 12:04 PM


Good piece, the ending made me stumble though, especially the last three lines. Just a thought off the top of my head:

Sadder
than their own esteem
My fable’s curtain
falls more daily
And I am lost inside my dream
And Lately
love grows uncertain...


I think you need something to rhyme with esteem to make it smoother. Also, although I like how it's echoed in "lately" a couple of lines later, "more daily" sounds a bit akward. Otherwise, a very good poem. Just my two cents!  

PS: did you get a chance to look at Backbone Flute again?

[This message has been edited by Master (08-13-2002 12:06 PM).]

Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa
8 posted 2002-08-13 01:08 PM


No man I didnt, I came home exausted last night, I'll get to it though, and way to call me out on that more daily thing I did force it lol

ok ok ill work on it ahahaha
peace

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