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Teen Poetry #5
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Uncertain
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Uncertain |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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Certain of Uncertainty Cliché But Hey It works for me To say The way This hurt in me Exists Amidst My search to be Someone’s Someone And everything And only thing This lonely thing Is killing me And filling me With doubt inside God knows I’ve tried To be a man To understand Their needs inside To hold Confide Abide and serve And still some of them have the nerve To step on me like I’m a ladder Sadder than their own esteem My fable’s curtain falls more daily Lately love has been uncertain I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
'my search to be someones someone' I really like that line, in fact i like the whole poem, I thought it was well constructed and worked very well anya |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Kudos to you, I like this. Took me a minute to put this all together, but once it all connected, it flowed well. Uniquely constructed. Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
someday you will be someone's someone...and of this I am quite certain.... Great Job once again ~Lisa |
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*~p.r.i.n.c.e.s.s.~* Junior Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 38 |
Yep, love is uncertain, love sucks.....lol, sorry, in a cranky mood over here. anyways, good job. i like.  ~*~Britt~*~ |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
I liked this very much. I liked the rhyme scheme you have going. Good job!  *~erin~* "You say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."-Something Corporate |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
This all flowed together very nicely, Kevin. The intricate rhyme scheme made it a lot more dramatic. More so than your average love poem. You've done well, I enjoyed it. ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Good piece, the ending made me stumble though, especially the last three lines. Just a thought off the top of my head: Sadder than their own esteem My fable’s curtain falls more daily And I am lost inside my dream And Lately love grows uncertain... I think you need something to rhyme with esteem to make it smoother. Also, although I like how it's echoed in "lately" a couple of lines later, "more daily" sounds a bit akward. Otherwise, a very good poem. Just my two cents! PS: did you get a chance to look at Backbone Flute again? [This message has been edited by Master (08-13-2002 12:06 PM).] |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
No man I didnt, I came home exausted last night, I'll get to it though, and way to call me out on that more daily thing I did force it lol  ok ok ill work on it ahahaha peace |
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