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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Fish |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg 
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Three people and I shared a cabin once, behind the scenes of the apocalypse... The crackling clouds of relentless storm Legions of spitting hail tattering the landscape The splitting earth, stealing all things away from us Our achievements, our species But there were three other people And there was me. That was everything that I knew. Sometimes, we would be overcome with despair for the world And we would come here, to these cliffs above the spinning waves Just to spite our lives, we would close our eyes and leap And the leaping, it was like the exit from our inner selves For while we were falling, none of us were any different... Our arms were sprawled, the air was gnashing at our skin The water below compelling us downward, gravity tugging our ankles Nobody's voice could be heard So nobody spoke And for those moments that we were suspended high and away, All of the beauties of the world neutralized, All of our values swallowed by oblivion it seemed like such futile things as love, joy, fear, hatred... These things were smeared away from us in the blur of the rushing sky... Soon, as our toes heavily pierced the rolling water, our bodies submerging, the thin liquid overcoming us completely It all came back to us... And sometimes, before we were lifted to the surface to face the world again We would open our eyes To watch those fortunate creatures Ignorant beings of untainted joy, No dreams or curiousity to end their silver world. [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-09-2002 10:38 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Helium Balloon New Member
since 2002-06-18
Posts 8MB Cannada |
Hmm... Reminds me of a simliar experiance. I like the interpretation of your experiance, even more than i like your talants seen in this piece. |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
I'm sitting here, trying to find a way to compliment the structure, imagery and value of this piece. You've narrated it extremely well. So well that you can't help but be the fourth, fifth or twentieth person there experiencing it with you. quote: This reminds me of an experience I once had except the rushing of the sky seemed a little more distant. I really enjoyed reading this. You've managed to turn such a simple idea in an amazing piece of writing. Thank you very much for sharing this. I noticed a library button here so consider yourself the first one to go in.  ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Woah! Parasite---I loved this! The imagry and use of metaphors you've chosen for this peice is what poetry is all about! Man---very, very nice! And as for the interpretation---I can't even begin to start trying to crack this one! I have a friend, Allan was his name, I think you two would go along great!  Others are too in love with the sound of their own voice to speak the truth... |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
A couple of initial thoughts. The reasoning/purpose behing the italics. If it has a specific purpose, fine, if not think to yourself if it is really benefiting the poem. Also the on again off again capitalization of the first word in a line. Is there a reasoning behind it? Three people and I shared a cabin once, {Okay this kind of a weak opening. It doesn't grap my attention very well, which in most cases is a wise thing to do. You never want to lose your reader right of the bat.} behind the scenes of the apocalypse... The crackling clouds of relentless storm {A relentless storm?} Legions of spitting hail tattering the landscape {Having fun with alliteration are we?} The splitting earth, stealing all things away from us {All things? That's a little dry. Are there any ways of spicing that up some?} Our achievements, our species But there were three other people And there was me. That was everything that I knew. {I am contemplating the need for the that. I can't decide whether to eliminate it or to keep it around. Such decisions in life.} Sometimes, we would be overcome with despair for the world And we would come here, to these cliffs above the spinning waves Just to spite our lives, we would close our eyes and leap And the leaping, it was like the exit from our inner selves {This is wordy.} For while we were falling, none of us were any different... {This is a long sentence, I don't know how you would want to break it up, but you may want to to try.} Our arms were sprawled, the air was gnashing at our skin The water below compelling us downward, gravity tugging our ankles Nobody's voice could be heard So nobody spoke And for those moments that we were suspended high and away, All of the beauties of the world neutralized, All of our values swallowed by oblivion {Were swallowed? Just a thought.} it seemed like such futile things as love, joy, fear, hatred... These things were smeared away from us in the blur of the rushing sky... {You are getting a little ellipsis happy it seems.} Soon, as our toes heavily pierced the rolling water, our bodies submerging, the thin liquid overcoming us completely It all came back to us... And sometimes, before we were lifted to the surface to face the world again We would open our eyes To watch those fortunate creatures Ignorant beings of untainted joy, No dreams or curiousity to end their silver world. {I like this ending.} I think the punctuation is a really weak. It runs on. A few periods here and there would benefit this. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I feel bad for not ripping it apart, but I don't see a reason to. Maybe I'm not picky enough to have a credible opinion on poetry, but I liked it the way it was. I'll admit to not having much patience for "long" poems (its hard for me to stay focused), but this kept my attention. Interesting... beautifully worded.. and you took your time (or so it seemed).. nothing forced..this is what I like to see I'm married to Mr.Metaphor. We make love everyday. [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (08-11-2002 10:19 PM).] |
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Jester Junior Member
since 2002-08-13
Posts 41The dark corners of your mind |
I really did enjoy this poem the first time around... even if i couldn't begin to comprehend the meaning. But after you pushed me along in the right direction i got an even greater appreciation and I particularly liked this part And sometimes, before we were lifted to the surface to face the world again We would open our eyes To watch those fortunate creatures Ignorant beings of untainted joy, No dreams or curiousity to end their silver world So powerful... they were so insignificant they had to be lifted and could not life themselves. anyways... excellent |
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