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Teen Poetry #5
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AllThatGlitters4321
Junior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 45


0 posted 2002-08-06 10:18 AM


You've mistaken me for a fool,
played me like a tool,
But i won't hurt no more
all this suffering has been set outside my door
along with your bags, all the memories we had,
I told you once, and once was enough.
Love is not sumthing that you do for fun,
and leave it left behind when all the fun is done.
I can't stand
the pain,
the tears,
the shame,
But now ur gone and im doin alright
no more touches,
no more hugs,
and no more kisses goodnight
Because i let you go
now im doin' fine,
no more weight on my shoulders
this whole world is mine.
So now im saying Good Bye, good bye to you,
and don't ever come back, because now were through.


© Copyright 2002 *MeGaN* - All Rights Reserved
Savage Quiescence
Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326
Wandering
1 posted 2002-08-06 01:23 PM


Some of the rhyming in this seems forced (for instance, the first two lines). Try not to use words simply because they rhyme, if it does not fit right, try another rhyming word. I suggest using Rhymezone.com if you ever get stuck. A very useful tool.

I would also suggest that you try to write more formally, your words are very casual and sometimes even consistant with slang. It would just seem like you put more work into it if you used correct grammar.

All in all, I think this has quite a bit of potential, so keep up the work!

~Sky

[This message has been edited by Savage Quiescence (08-06-2002 01:24 PM).]

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navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » We Are Through

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