(no title yet, need help pls. read and comment)

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anawnda
Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 113

0 posted 2002-07-30 03:57 AM

  It was only yesterday
  we took the trail
  to neverland;
  Shrieks of joy
  drowned and muffled
  into memories,
  We were young back then.

  We molded clay & sculpted sand
  with bare little hands
  we calle our own,
  unbroken and innocent.

  I remember the dewy smell
  of grass
  and you, sitting inside
  the whirling chairs
  telling me to push harder & faster
  and suddenly,
  you're no longer you--

  Your eyes no longer
  light w/that mischevious glint.
  I no longer see
  you smile.

  I begged you to come out
  and play oncemore
  just like we always do
  you just shook your head
  and said--
  We were young back then.

  then you showed me the scars
  but those were not from
  cuts we got
  for being too rowdy in
  the swings.
  nor were those from falling-off
  the see-saw.

  those were wounds
  reality inflicted,
  this cruel world
  had broken in.

  you no longer know
  how to laugh,
  nor want a turn in the bouncing horse.

  but neverland beckons still.
  to those eager little souls
  who someday will be as you are,
  have taken our place in the swings,
  in the farthest corner of the lot.

  with their tiny legs, pushing
  from the ground,
  going higher...
    and higher...

**************************************************

* you can hurt me...with your bare hands,or
you can hurt me with the sharp edge of what you said.....* jewel kilcher

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

1 posted 2002-07-30 01:02 PM

I really like this alot, in want of a better word it was really sweet. As for a title if you are stuck mabey youu should take the title from the line or phrase you think appitimises the essence or feeling of the poem best, just a suggestion
anya

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-28 04:27 PM

This is really, really good, Anawnda... one of my favourites from you. What a shame that it's dead in the archive with only one reply, huh? That's not fair...

  you should repost this in Teen #6.

As for a title, maybe something to do with a park?  The imagery in my head while I was reading this was mostly of children in a playground (at least, earlier in the poem)...

You should write more in this style, Anawnda.  I'd love to see something like this again.

Keep up the great work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

3 posted 2002-12-28 05:44 PM

"shattered innocence".... suggestion

good poem. I almost want to cry....

kirhar
Junior Member

since 2003-04-29

Posts 13

4 posted 2003-04-29 09:14 PM

i think a good title for this great poem is Yesteryear....just an idea...

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